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     Then a necromancer appeared out of he darkness and pulled the elf off the horse.  The elf blasted the man off, and ran in to the swamp.  He then touched a flower, which suddenly turned into a doorway.  He ran through as fast as he could, and closed it on the other side.  the necromancer was there in a second, and screamed in anger as the portal closed.

     Soon, a band of dwarfs came to the necromancer.  They asked what hey were to do, but the necromancer shunned them way and looked for anything the elf left behind.  He soon found a note that siad, 'Here is the egg  Head to swamp portal. It  leads to you-know-where'.  The necromancer set a tree on fire and disappeared from thin air.

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Haha, good job Septim sounds like a nice summation of the story. Seriously though Arvious, you need to work on your storytelling abilities. What you just posted sounds like a quick summary of what happened from an observer's point of view. You start off with an elf riding a horse... but what is an elf in your setting? What does an elf look like? What is it wearing? Is it a citizen of an elven community or does it have the look of a loner travelling to sate his wanderlust? What is a fire demon anyways? I seriously am not sure what you just mentioned there. Isn't there a way to make the fire popping on fire all of a sudden sound more dramatic? Where was the elf blasting the fireballs? Unless I take a giant leap of conjecture, for all I know the elf could just be randomly blasting them all over the place since he's just that screwed up kind of elf. That may be what you were going for but that as well is not apparent in our writing. Where did the elf stop? After travelling how long? Why did he decide to stop then and there? Why not before and just throw the water in the first place? How can you cast magic as quick as lightning? Isn't there usually a lag time or delay to cast the spell? If you can answer all these questions and incorporate it into your story, I may consider it worth reading.

Yes. You need more details, more imagery, some metaphores here and there and a unique style, and you're ready!

and you copied the plot from eragon....

hang on, ill just edit it so it is eragon........

Prologue     Our story begins in the forest below the town of Cobracan.  In the forest, Arya on a horse was riding toward the mountain.  Suddenly, a tree went into flames, and out of it came a fire demon.  Blasting fireball one after another, arya rode as fast as she could.  Then aryastopped and then as quick as lightening, threw waves of water at the demon.

Mr. Arvious III Report 1/18/2008 2:33:05 AM

Then a SHADE  appeared out of he darkness and pulled the elf off the horse.  The elf blasted the man off, and ran in to the swamp.  He then touched a flower, which suddenly turned into a doorway.  He ran through as fast as he could, and closed it on the other side.  the necromancer was there in a second, and screamed in anger as the portal closed.      Soon, a band of dwarfs came to the necromancer.  They asked what hey were to do, but the necromancer shunned them way and looked for anything the elf left behind.  He soon found a note that siad, 'Here is the egg  Head to swamp portal. It  leads to you-know-where'.  The necromancer set a tree on fire and disappeared from thin air.   Post your comments now

didnt do it all, but you get the picture...im going to post my story now..at least the first chapter

this is so original

[[OOC: I know Eragon cover to cover, used to love the book...then I realized that it's plot was almost the exact same thing as Star Wars!]]

Princess Ayra (Leia) sends the stone (Droids) to a a small town (Planet) called Carvahall (Tatooine). Eragon (Luke) lives with his Uncle, he finds a stone (Droids) and that leads the Ra'Zac (Stormtroopers) to his small town (planet). Eragon is away when the Ra'Zac (Stormtroopers) attack his Uncle's farm and comes back to find them murdered. He teams up with Brom (Obi-Wan) whom is secretly one of the last remaining Dragon Riders (Jedi).Brom gives Eragon the sword (lightsaber) of his father. Brom and Eragon eventually go to Dras Leona where they are attacked by the Ra'Zac (Stormtroopers) and Brom is killed. After the burial Luke teams up with Murtagh and they go and rescue Princess Ayra (Leia) from a big fortress of the Empire (Death Star). After they escape they join the Varden (Rebels) where they have a massive battle and the Urgal army (Death Star) is destroyed.

Eldest:

Eragon (Luke) leaves the Varden with Saphira (Artoo) to train with Oromis (Yoda), but he leaves when he finds out that his friends are in trouble. At the end he is defeated by Murtagh (Darth Vader).

ive C+Ped your story. in red are the parts i have changed. hopefully you can learn from it. 

  Prolouge

   Our story begins in the forest below the town of Cobracan.  In the forest, an elf called Golsa on horse was riding toward the mountain. The elf had brown hair and  was wearing a silver robe. The robe shimmered in the light, reflecting the moons brilliance and making the elf seem to glow.  He was holding a parcel the size of a soccer ball.  It was holding what lokked like a huge egg.  The moon was shining like a diamond, a orb floating in the sky, shedding its light over the elf as he made his way towards the mountain.

   Then, suddenly, a bat flew out of the tree. It landed in front of the elf. it sat still, and watched carefully. it blinked silently at the elf.  They stared at each other for a moment. Then, the elf said, "Hello, Tolgu."

   Then, the bat began to transform.  The ear started to point, the eyes turning from brown to red. Then, a small group of mushroom started to transform too. The tops began to take the shape of a cap, the stumps turning into small legs.  Toglu began to speak.

"What was it that gave me away?"

"I've never seen a bat sit that stiff.."

Toglu picked up his staff, which was concealed as a twig, and said, "You have something of mine, Golsa." and moved forward slowly, eyes fixed on the things in Golsa's hands, occasionally darting over to look at his bag.

"You mean this", then he held up the bag.  Toglu stared at it and then threw a ball of darkness at Golsa.  Golsa was to quick for him, and dodged it, falling to the ground but quickly leaping to his feet and mounting his horse once more. Then, Golsa was riding as fast as he could, his silver cloak trailing behind him as he rode for his life

"Seize him!"

Then the dwarfs (which were the mushrooms) Pulled out their quivers, and shot two arrow each at the horse.  One missed and hit a pine tree.  Another hit the ground.  The rest of them hit the horse in the legs.  The horse shrieked and was in so much pain that it stopped riding. Then Golsa was running, with a smile on his face, to the swamp.  Tolsa suddenly turned back into bat form and raced to the swamp too, shreiking in fury as he gained on Golsa.

Golsa ran toward a flower, which started to take the form of a doorway, the petals the door, stem the frame, and the roots the doornob.  He opened the door the moment Tolsa came through.  They threw spell after spell at each other.  One fireball that escaped the target was hurled at a tree, which burst into flames. it was a grim preview of Golsa's fate if he did not get away.

Then Golsa ran through the door and dropped everything but the parcel.  Then the doorway vanished, and Tolsa yelled in fury, sending nearby tree into flames in his frustration.

Tolsa searched through everything Tolsa left behind.  he eventually finds a note.  It says. 'The egg is in the bag.  Deliver it to Gaugim. He's in Mohawk'

After a while, the dwarves finally catch up. The tallset of the three, Kalen, said, "Where has he gone, master?"  Tolsa was mad.  He knew where he was. He would have to hurry if he had any chance of reclaiming it and to kill Golsa.

And so, he transformed back into a bat and flew into the night, a dark shadow that blocked out the brilliance of the moon as it passed it by.

I have not done everything I could have added, they are just a few things that you could have added to. you can add more, but I will leave that to you.

if you want more guidance then read the first chapter of warriors of the realm. it is the thread: Warriors of the realm, the...

I will post the next chapter tomorrow, so you may want to have a look.

also, it IS like Eragon whether you like it or not, so you could maybe change

A) the Race: maybe a human or dwarf, just not elf

B) The Contents of the package

C) the fireballs: a Shade uses them in Eragon

D) the.locationer, and tmie of day. maybe a desert plain, or the reamins of a once great city.

remember that ive added only what i thought of at first glance, much more can be done. but that was better than last time

Okay, before I start, writing tommorow about Dragon Egg, there are a couple of points I need to point out:

Golsa and Tolsa (give you a hint) are not the mian characters, but however do play a major part in the story

Mr. Vengence, I like your method of writing, but I like introducing characters when the they are mentioned

HUMANS will play a role in this story

fire nova, shut up

Chapter 1 - Mrever Mine

   'Attention citizens of Mrever Mine!

As you currently know, SilK is at war with every kingdom.  There are 9 spots where we are to attack, one of them very close by.  Soldier training will commence soon.  Anyone over age may come to the army camp at night fall.

                                       -Arvious III, ruler of Teslamodor and Mrever Mine'

This note was hanging on the wall of a young man's wall. Even though it was surrounded by other important notes, this one caught his attention the most.  Travis was a tall, skinny man with a shaved beard and worn clothes.  His hair was brown like a field of grain. His arms were stiff, due to his work at his dad's blacksmith shop.  While he did his job with no error, he felt like his true calling was not here.  He wanted to be a hero, save people from terrible dangers of this world, rescue maidens from castles, and discover great treasures.

Today was the day that he would train as a soldier and serve in the army.  Today, he could finally acheive his dream of becoming a soldier, or maybe even a knight.  He was down in the main room eating breakfast, in a quite cheery mood, when his mother came back home with gold that she got from selling her famous apple pie sold in the market.  She was wearing a sky blue dress with her striped bow on her hair.  She had the same brown hair as he did.

"Hello Travis," she said.  "How are you?"

"Fine," Travis said.  Then, suddenly, he remembered that he only told his father that he was leaving home.  "Err... mom, can I have a word with you?"

"Sure," she said, and they headed to the box where they kept their gold.

"You wouldn't believe how much people here would pay for my pies.  The food shortage really is starting to affect this town."  She said this as she put the gold in the box.

"Mom, I..."

"Soon, farms are going to be built and we don't have to worry about that."

"Mom..."

"Have you seen you father yet? I got the iron ore he was looking for."

"No, I haven't seen him yet, but mom, I'm g..."

"No?  I'll give it to him when I see him. He is so lazy in the morni..."

"MOM!" Travis yelled.  His mom was startled for a moment, both staring into each others eyes.

"Sorry, son.  I talk way too mu..."

"Mom."  She stopped talking at these words.

"So, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"I'm going to go train as a soldier."

She remained silent for what seemed like hours, but only seconds.  She looked very sad, like someone at a loved one's funeral.

"Don't be silly, giving me a fright.  Good joke..."

"Mom, I wasn't kiding..."

She acted like she didn't hear it. "Now, don't you need to start working at the smithy. Your father should be up by now."

"Mom..."

"Enough of this nonsence!" she said in a voice that Travis could not believe was hers. She always seemed peaceful. "You will not leave this house! You know well we need you here."

"You know well that we have a positive income."

"Only because you are working the smithy..."

"I only help there. Dad does most of it..."

"SILENCE!!!"

There was a very long pause.  Then Travis spoke.

"Mom, I don't see why I can't go..."

"You're just a boy..."

"Mom, I'm over age.  I'm a man now..."

"Your father would never allow yo..."

"Dad thinks I making the right choice fighting in the war..."

"You are to never leave the house again!  Head to your room!  Do you understand!?!" she screamed.

It was then that Travis's dad woke up.  He ran down the stairs, thinking some catastrophe had occured.

"Whasza goin' unne?" he said.

Travis stomped away in anger.  He could here his parent's conversation in the hall way.  He opened the door to his room and fell on his bed and thought over what just happened.  His father agreed, his mother refused.  Why couldn't she understand that he wanted to fight?  He looked at the sky and saw the sun in the center of the sky.  "Noon," he said to himself.  Seven hours until nightfall.  He knew that his chance of living his dream was over.  Nothing extraordinary would happen to him.  He was stuck the way he was, a peasent blacksnithe's son.  And as he fell asleep, he knew that his dreams would be nothing but dreams, and would never come to life anymore.

Author's note - This is all based on fact the cities and information about the small food storage is true.  Farms are being built.and troops will be trained.

This is way better than the prologue and is less like Eragon this chapter.

Post your comments:

I just relized that I made a whole lot of typoes in the prolouge.

Should I prcatice ekyboredig?

:-)

This isn't that kind of story, but I'll make one like that today

For the first part:  Dragon Egg (Comedy) is just people acting out the parts in the parts of the story I have written so far.

For the second part: Thanks for the compliment, I'm better at writting conversations than descibing things.

For the third part: What happens in the talk between Travis's mom and dad and the decribtion of the town comes in the third chapter.

For the fourth part: If you read the paragraph correctly, you'll see that Travis really wanted to be a soldier.  Of course he's elated, excited.

For the fifth part: You are very picky. :-)

For the sixth part: There is no sixth.  Weird!

P.S.  I like pie!!!

So why are we trying to copy Eragon?

lol Vengence the only reason I'm here is because I hear you been acting the role of "RP master", which doesn't suit you. "Annoying *beep*mer" is more your style.
Anyway is it an exact rip off of Eragon.

I have to agree with Seloc!

The long waited for (maybe only Vengence, but I'm sure other people want a chance to say how I'm a bad writer and blah blah blah) second chapter of Dragon Egg.  (This is short, but foreshadows many things in the future (yes I know what foreshadow means):-))

Chapter 2 - The Dream

The

Okay, I'm going to try this again...

Chapter 2 - The Dream

        Travis was looking down on the camp, and saw himself with his father, running down the hillside.  His father gave him a sword that his father never let anyone but Travis see and his sack of gold.  Travis ran to the army camp and signed up to train as a soldier.  But the dream wasn't over yet.  He soon saw weird glimpses of Mohawk, Cobracon, and many other cities.  He then saw a tall dark elf come out of the shadows and pick up a dwarf by the neck. 

"What the... who the heck do you think you asre, you hag?" said the dwarf. 

"Silence, Gaugim.  Where is it?' said the tall elf. 

"I don't know what ye talkin' bout, but ye better git yur hand off me neck or I'll..." 

"Do not play games with me, creature.  I know of the dragon egg you have.  How many others do you have?" 

"What, are ye thinkin' me that dumb to tell yur 'bout that?  Ye also know well that the other elemental dragon eggs are hidden in their secret hiding place, and yo be knowin' thats the only on we both gots.  So, why in the name of Zeta..."

"Zeta is a myth, a myth that even if he existed, the dark dragon egg would destroy him.  So, if that's all the information you have, I have no further use for you."

"Are ye be killin' me?"

"Yes, 'I be killin' ye.'"  He throws him off the balcony they were standing on, right where the horses  can get a drink riding by.

Right then Travis felt a pushing felling on his head and heard a voice.  He opened his eyes to see his father with a pack of things.

"Dad, wh..."

"Shhh.  Not now.  We have to hurry.  It's almost sunset and you need to get to the camp before sunset."

That concludes Chapter 2.  It was short but had many things that are to occur in future stories.  Vengence, DO NOT EDIT!!!

are you sure I cant edit it????

and again, say things about how he feels throughout this

like, when he see's those people talking, does he feel scared? curious? try to describe those emotions.

and you know you said it was longer??

ALL HAIL COPY AND PASTE!!!!!!!!!!

lol

I can tell that is your signature, lol.

[Plato, what are you doing? or is that arvious?]