Forums / Roleplaying / Ye Olde Taverne

Steak!

*jumps on Goldsie*

oh hell no. this is my tavern, i do the beer giving and not giving

*kills sorank*

*With all these events going on around him, a slightly smoldering Goldsie walks over to the bar and sits down next to Scientist, he then looks over his shoulder at the overly aggressive bald man on his back*

'OK, OK... its your bar i think we should all calm down and have a beer or six'

*Creates a frost wall between himself and Seloc, blocking all incoming fireballs... for the moment*

'You too... just calm down i was trying to give you a proper death'

*sits back and waits for their responses*

No Senturu is bald we burnt off his hair

* cuts off Goldsie's scalp and uses it as a wig*

ok ill get ya one

*gives sorank a beer*

*After finishing his steak he looks around the bar for people with alot of hair*

"I'm still quite peckish, aren't you Draven? Actually where is Dork, haven't heard much from him recently......"

*Keeps looking round for longish hair*

People we are being invaded by the outsiders. for years it  has been us true RPers. and now....these....monsters.....

/Slaps Senturu

there should always be room for the new guys

*everyone herd mattimao, then they started laughing. then everyone jumped on him slapping him*

take that...and that...and some of this....and a little of that.....ohhh...and this....and that...

'I'm still waiting for a beer here'

*glares at Senturu*

*me grabs mattimaos legs and trips him*

if you want a beer you had better slap mattimao.

*curb stomps Mattimao*

much better.

*senturu then puts Mattimao into a head lock and chokes him out. when mattimao faints. senturu go's and gets Goldsie a beer*

*Seloc gets up and kicks Mattimao in the head and retakes his sitting position next to Goldsie, and joins him in a slowly draw sip of beer*

"Mmmmmmmmm......slowly draw sip of beer."

*The Slayer walks in and dricks a cold pint then looks over at the commotion on the other side of the room and says*

"What the bloody hells going on?"

who the hell gave you that drink?

*jumps on smccamish and beats the crap outa him. once done senturu gets a drink for tiger god*

Suddenly there is a lull in the conversation as the ominous sound of an approaching earthquake rumbles throughout Ye Olde Taverne.

Effie sees his own beer stein to his abject horror, jump off the table and splatter its contents ont he floor.

"see?" snickered Draven, " that's what happens Effie when you don't have my dashing good looks, even the beer would rather leap to it's death than be near you."

before Effie can reply the bar patrons happen to catch a tasty snippet of an conversation somewhere nearby the tavern.

"But honestly honey, duty calls and I must be away!" the stranger pleads.

The denizens of Ye Olde Taverne feel a muffled thuck and the whole building shudders with dismay.

"Seriously think about it honey! You and I were simply not to be" the unknown continued, "besides sooner or later our relationship would have had to devolve into Public Displays of Affection and though I know your heart is pure, my dearest lambkins, you really have a wild side, which I fear if left unchecked would be the death of me"

A full throated avalanche?/roar reverbates throughout the tavern it breaks all the glasses and it starts to rain beer (to the delight of venomz and storm et al) and to the utter despair of feminists everywhere (who deplore such barbaric haunts of machoism which can now add exploding beer to it's *beep*nal of inequality).

The massive stonewall entrace and its steadfast redwood oak doors seem to pulsate as a inexorable outside force begins to screech and thump it furiously, whereupon it crumbles in on itself...to reveal...

a rolling black blur that tumbles into the bar and firmly lands on a hefty bar stool.

"bar keep, a barrel of Stella artois and make it snappy!" the stranger announced.

(in the background the patrons see the cuase of the earthquakes/avalanche/untimely disturbance a Silver Dragon harrumphing off into the distance)

The bar stops its customary hooting (we have no idea why) to look at the newcomer.

an unimpressive 6 feet 5 inches tall elf clad in a crushed velvet black and silver clock with a bowler hat, matching silver cane, prada pants and versace suit (with white satin tie) appears arrayed before them (with the usual number of mystic and arcane symbols on his clothes including a 'we do massacres for charity logo of that ill fated St Jude's hospital campagin.) His golden hued skin rahter conspicious in the dimly lit and smoky bar.

"oh ho ho!" crows Storm, "It's tak!"

"Yes indeed" tersely replied Tak.

"WoooOooOo!" taunted Draven, "No wonder he was ashamed to show us his date earlier.... he has to date out of our SPECIES to get any."

"get any what?" innocently asked Danny Boy, as he calmly sliced off an arm from Storm to eat.

"Oh." replied Draven slightly flummoxed, "Uh,. state ordered senstivity training towards females."

"huh?" snorted Senturu, "I didn't understand that, but it sounds incredibly wussy"

"heh!" reparteed Draven, "what did you get senturu? didn't you see that Erica Babe? she was like all over me and I had to spend all of last night fending off her advances at swordpoint. and she's a queen, used to getting her own way. It's tough to say no to royalty. It's even tougher to be me "

"Oi" moaned Tak, "This is going nowhere. and there are no babes in sight either, this is a boring bar. Hey barkeep! Who responded to my want ad?
IT's glowing"

Barkeep, "which ad?"

"the hero inc ad" replied Tak.
"you know, the one that goes like this...
------------------------------------------------  
|                "I need a hero!"                               |
|                                                                       |
|       Imagine that you are the heroine                |
|     of your favorite romance. You are               |      
|          resilient;strong;intrepid.                           |
|      You rule a country; own a business,            |
|    or, perhaps, run a drafty country house          |
|   on a shoestring budget. You can do it all...      |
|              and, usually, you do.                           |
|                                                                        |
|       But every now and then a gal needs            |
 |      some help--someone to vanquish                |
|             the enemy soldiers,                               |
|          keep your business afloat...                      |
|         or just plain offer to keep                          |
|            the servants in line.                                 |
|                                                                         |
|       Sometimes you need a hero.                       |
|            Call Hero Inc today!                             |
-------------------------------------------------

while Tak was busy admiring his own handiwork the rest of the tavern (granted through its collectively alochol buzzed brains) began to realize Tak had insulted the whole bar, started rabblerousing against him.
which wasn't so bad except O Danny Boy lead the charge and carved out his liver. (Tak's that is not his own)

but then again Tak was a hero and heroes never die...

*Throws a steak at Goldsie*

"Here you can have this one since you slapped him so hard with it that it left a face imprint. Just looking at the imprint makes me feel queezy, let alone the real thing"

*Looks round for someone with long hair once more and notices that Draven happens to have long(ish) hair*

"Hey Draven my good buddy, care for a drink? Where is Dork recently? Has he got that drunk and fallen into the toilet again? Senturu, two of your finest beers over here my good chap"

*Reaches into one of his 6 briefcases and pulls out a wallet full of cash and throws it at Senturu*

"Keep the change"

*Takes a seat next to Scientist*

Hey!
You look kind of messed up.. you got problems with Draven eh?

*looks at draven*

*looks away*

*nods*

So, where is effie?
I havent seen him lately..
Maybe he found someone where he could stick his kingsize ****** in!
Now would that be disgusting to watch.. think about it...

*Walks away*

< Thinks his trick worked fine, to get everyone to leave and to get all beer for himself >

*Goldsie finally drains his beer and with a quick swish of his coat disappears, he appears three meters away sitting right next to Draven*

'You look like an interesting fellow... what your life story?'

*Before Draven can reply Goldsie turns around and whips out a whip which he then uses to whip Tak, it hits Tak with a sharp, crisp crack and pieces the skin quite deeply, out of the wound pour rats*

'aha I new it, no elf could ever be that *beep*y. Quickly everyone, point and Glare at the imposer'

*Points and Glares at Tak*
 

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY TAVERN!!!!

i mean seriously some ahol who rapes dragons and Eff who is well passed out and scientist throwing things at me. geeze man

*Looks kind of oddly at Senturu after his outburst*

"Well if you don't want paying for the drinks then please do say so and I will just keep the money for myself. I thought you could do with the extra cash, after all isn't it slowly taking chunks out of Effies huge bill that hes rung up over the time hes been in here?"

*Drinks his drink and awaits a reply while holding another wallet full of notes*

/Slaps Tak silly for posting such long posts

that took me a long time to read all that and i missed the tick turn!!!!!!

/Slaps senturu just for good measure

give ye bestest ale in the grand house me maytee. so i can drink it and hit Sorank over the head with the empty bottle.

*speaks to Sorank* now this is normal behaviour the in local bar :)

/then porceeds to show off many battle scars on his body due tto pub fights.

Apologies Seloc. But you weren't my target demographic. Duke Efrandor ordered something to attract the 16-32 year old female demographic.

now wordplay for men is succinct, short & sweet, but forceful and powerful like a claymore or a cudgel.

whereas wordplay for women is more akin to swordplay with a rapier.

for example a story
(about a relationship what else, in manspeak versus womanspeak)

man. Me drunk. You was hot, in wet tighty whitey tshirt. Loved your great big [mammary glands]. I said "Let's [make babies]! and so we did.

(a true story as told to me By Draven)

now woman's story (about the same exact events) . Out of the besotted accrused rain, I walked into the bar out from the cold harsh dampness of the heath and the harsher environ of being a beautiful woman. whereupon I chanced to gaze upon your sinewy bronzed gleaming torso and your fiery amber eyes that cried out to me with such a desperate shrilling naked passion.  You grab me with your big strong virile arms and stop me from moving.

"Oh" you feverishly exclaim aloud, "You are the only woman for me! you are my life, my passion, my reason for being. without you there is nothing! I am traduced to the merely husk of a man, a turtle without its shell. "

blah blah blah blah blah half an hour later the broad is still talking about what Draven was wearing and not what he did to her.

What i don't get is why Effie insisted I/we appeal to women anyhow. They smell funny, don't like to wrestle or play drinking games or like to boast about people they've bagged. go figure. effie's weird....

ok. ill be accepting Applications by PM. ill choose the best Barkeep.

p.s. the spot is only for spammers. you dont have to be a great spammer. but you have to spam in order to have that position. that means the entire forum not just one thread.