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Far, far away, to the North of the Great Scrub, is a land called Zoab. This is the realm of Soltar the Magnificent, a wizard-king of great renown.

For many years Zoab has been at peace for it is isolated from the world by the icy sea to the west, the Black Mountains to the north and east, and Heavenmoss Forest and the great scrub to the south.

It is from this harsh desert that Soltar’s subjects had come north, searching for land to settle in the misty depths of the past. They had  skirted the mysterious Heavenmoss forest and finally settled in this empty land of three rivers.

The capital of Zoab sits in a wide plain drained by three rivers. The river Mire to the north, which flows down from the mountains and out into the wide bay. The other rivers, known as the Green Wash and the Eddle also flow into the bay.

In the seventy-eighth year of Soltar’s reign a small tribe of nasty goblins found their way into the barren lands to the East of Zoab. They also came from the Great Scrub in the south, having been expelled from their lairs by swarthy men from Sunsia.

Here they settled and commenced raiding the fat and prosperous farmlands of southern Zoab. Their skin had a greenish tint and they were thin and stringy with sharp and noisome fangs. A particularly despicable fellow called Blackgob (who was delighted to find such easy pickings) led the tribe.

For Zoab had become a soft land, the King, Soltar, was old and decrepit, only maintaining a small measure of his former skill and leadership. The militia were poorly trained and inexperienced. In truth, the King's soldiers were only really any good for marching in processions and at festivals.

Now Soltar was far too old to do anything himself about this threat and his magical arts could not reach that far east. So he issued a proclamation, offering a reward of a their weight in silver to anyone brave enough to kill the goblin chief, Blackgob. The hero would be allowed to use the famed dancing sword. This magical thing had a fencing skill all of its own and, even in the hands of a novice, would defeat the most experienced swordsman of its own violation.

For months no hero came forward and the raids from the goblins went on and on. Every night they would pillage farmsteads, steal sheep and cattle and occasionally kill a few unfortunate farmers who were foolish enough to try and stop them!

Now Soltar had some skill in magic, so he consulted his books and tomes and asked questions of his magic mirror.

"The hero you seek lives in the land of Ologin." The mirror told him, in deep and resonant tones.

"In Ologin!" Shouted Soltar, angry with the mirror. "But that is the land of the ogres! Are you telling me that an ogre is going to save my kingdom?"

The mirror was sensibly silent and the King retired to his bed to think upon the matter.

Now this magic mirror was impertinent, sometimes unhelpful and often did not answer at all. But when it gave forth judgment the things it said always turned out to be true.

So King Soltar was in a dilemma, invite an ogre (or worse, a troll!) into his lands to expel the wicked goblins? And how much silver would he have to give the monster if he succeeded? A fortune indeed!

In the end he realized had no choice and summoned his chancellor.

"Send a messenger to Ologin, tell them we seek a hero to destroy these goblins who plague our land and that the hero shall be rewarded handsomely." The King carefully did not mention what the reward might be in his message to the ogres.

The messenger was duly sent and word spread throughout the land of Ologin of the need for a hero to come forth. The Ogres laughed uproariously at the messenger. At least they did not snap him in two and crunch his bones which is what had happened to some previous emissaries from Zoab!

None of them could be bothered to get involved, although a few were tempted by the silver, most knew that the goblins, in such large numbers, would be difficult to defeat. So the messenger returned to Zoab with disappointing news for the king.

King Soltar was again furious and shouted and sulked alternately for three days and three nights.

Then, the next day, there was a tremendous banging upon the castle gates, just after dawn. 'Booom, booom, booom!' It went.

The soldiers were too frightened to open the gates and so they and the King (still with sleep in his eyes and dressed in his night gown and bed socks) ran up to the battlements to see who (or what!) it was.

An enormous great ugly ogre stood upon the drawbridge, which was creaking under it's massive weight. The monster must have stood over eight feet tall and nearly as wide. It had green skin, covered with spots and warts. Sharp fangs protruded from it's wide mouth below a broad and flattened nose. 

The ogre looked up.

She smiled and everyone on the battlements stepped back as her noisome breath hit them. What a foul stink!

'I come. About. Goblins.'

She said, slowly and ponderously.

Somehow they all knew that the ogre was female, although how they new this none dared to dwell upon!

Now ogres are dangerous and nasty creatures, who will happily eat anyone and anything if they are hungry enough. So nobody even considered inviting their 'hero' (or should it be 'heroine?) in.

'Give me. Sword. Will kill. Goblins.'

She said, loudly, ponderously, and smellily.

It was as if she could only cope with two words at once, a whole sentence being just too much for her small brain in it's massive head.

The King though about this for a moment: 'How did the ogre know about the magic sword? That had not been included in the message to her people. If she knew of the sword, then she would have heard of the reward being the goblin slayer's weight in silver!'

The King broke out in a sweat at the thought of handing over such a large sum of money to such an ugly creature. In fact he was not even sure he had enough silver in the entire castle to do so.

The ogre was looking impatient, she looked this way and that and then stamped her foot upon the drawbridge. The whole castle shook.

"Hold one, hold on." Shouted the king, suddenly concerned that the enraged monster might destroy his very castle around him. "Wait whilst we fetch the sword." And then he ran off into his tower, mumbling about silver and monsters and 'out of the frying pan into the fire' as he went.

When he returned with the magic sword the King found most of the inhabitants of his castle lining the battlements and watching the ogre. For her part she had gotten bored and sat down upon the drawbridge (which seemed on the verge of collapsing under the strain) where she splashed her enormous great calloused feet back and forth in the murky water.

"Here is the sword!" Shouted the king, the ogre looked up and grinned. She made no other move so the King sent a page down with the dancing sword, through a small postern gate on one side of the main entrance.

Without a word the ogress took the magic sword from the lad, waved it around a bit as if to make sure it was real and then stomped off eastwards.

For a day and a night the people of Thistleton were buzzing with the news. Would this be the end of the goblins' raids or would the ogre turn into an even worse threat?

Two days later news came in from the outlying farmsteads and hamlets. The goblin raids had stopped and all now seemed peaceful. Nobody had seen the ogre.

For a further week the King waited to hear of the ogress or the goblins, nothing was heard until about ten days after the first visit of the ugly monster, when she returned.

It was dawn again, and again the King and his court stood upon the battlements in their nightclothes.

'Goblins dead. Want reward.'

The ogre demanded.

King Soltar had prepared himself for this eventuality and said:

"What reward would you like?" Feigning innocence.

'Silver. My weight.'

'Damn!' The King said under his breath. And then out loud:

"We will need time to gather such a large amount of silver. And also, how do we know you have slain all of the goblins?"

'You want heads?'

The ogre replied.

It was obvious the ogre would happily produce a bog full of gory goblins' heads if requested to do so.

"No, I think heads will not be necessary." The King said.

'Want silver.'

The ogress demanded.

King Soltar could see that there was no way out of this, time for plan number three.

"If you could give us two days to collect together the silver and check to make sure you have rid our land of the Goblin menace. We will have your silver by the Whistling tree on the road to Gudron, the day after tomorrow."

The ogre considered this and then nodded.

"Oh! And can I have my dancing sword back?" The King added.

The ogress felt about amongst her clothes and produced the sword, in her hands it looked about the size of a kitchen knife. She looked at it, as if considering what to do next and then threw the sword up to the king. He caught it clumsily. 

As the giant ogre stomped away the King thought: "She returned that a bit too easily! She must be up to something." And as he thought this he looked down at the sword. It was bloodstained and dirty, so it seemed that the ogre was telling the truth and fully expected to get her silver. Otherwise she would have held on to the sword as a bargaining counter.

King Soltar had his wonderful magical sword cleaned and sharpened before locking it away in his secret treasury again. Then he began to sort out his chests of silver. He ordered the castle gardeners to bring in many sacks full of earth. These he secretly emptied into the bottom of empty chests and then topped them up with a thin layer of silver. With nine chests thus prepared, the King felt he had the solution to his dilemma. And it would only cost him a relatively small amount of his treasure!

In the meantime the bravest scouts and trackers in Zoab were sent to investigate what had happened to the goblins. They searched far and wide across the plains to the east and established beyond a doubt that the massive ogre had got rid of the goblins. They heard from witnesses how she had attacked them fearlessly with the magical sword. And the combination of her strength and the sword were enough to dispatch the evil tribe. Blackgob an many of his fellows were killed before the rest (numbering several hundreds, by all accounts) fled south towards the Grey Mountains.

The king was pleased at their news on the appointed day when he set out with his nine chests of 'silver' to give to the ogre. They reached the Whistling tree by mid afternoon and the ogre was there, waiting.

"Here is your reward." Announced the king as the carts carrying the chests were brought forward.

The ogress looked at the chests and smiled. She carefully opened the lid of one after another, touched and stroked the silver pieces on top (without delving into the earth beneath!) in one after another until she had checked them all.

'Is good.'

She said and then piled all of the chests onto one cart as the amazed King and his court looked on.

'Have cart?'

She asked and the King nodded, impressed as the ogre pulled the over laden wagon off northwards. As she went she waved without looking back and the King sighed a huge sigh of relief. He had got away with it!

Nothing more was heard from the ogress or the goblins. But something strange began to happen, the following spring no plants would grow in the castle grounds. They became barren and useless. No matter how hard the gardeners tried they could not get anything to grow on the King's land. The trees began to wither and die.

The year after that the harvest for miles around the King's castle at Thistleton was effected. Some said it was a drought but how could it be when the rain still came? People began to starve and move away from the affected area.

Unfortunately this area grew and grew until the whole kingdom was enveloped by the blight.

King Soltar still lived in his castle with a few servants and had food brought in from many miles away. But he was old and weak and his health was failing.

At last, on his death bed, the King remembered his magic mirror.

"Bring it to me!" He cried, to one of his faithful (and hungry!) retainers. The old servant did as his master bid.

"Why is my land so blighted?" He demanded of the mirror, angry that he had not thought of asking it before..

"Because you cheated the ogre. She is a spirit of the earth and you gave her the heart of your land instead of silver when you tried to deceive her." The mirror replied in its' deep resonant voice.

The King, who was wise, if a little foolish, in his dotage. Smiled at his own folly and then expired with the smile still upon his lips.

continue....with both :) please? 

I don't get the pun/insult?

No seriously, I don't get it. Explain you're joke simply please?

No, there must be an insult to somneone in there. It's Swifty after all.