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| Randumb sauce | ||||
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Once upon a time, there was a small town named Randumb. The leader of this town was named Randy Umm. One day, as Randy sat in his chair abusing and oppressing his peasants, he saw a stranger among them. "Come here!" he summoned the stranger. "Tell me your name, or i shall abuse and oppress you also!" The stranger quickly knelt before the all-powerful Randy. "My name is H.P.W. McLarnshmergmensteinstineworthbergmanson." There was a short pause. "But you can call me Phillip." "Ahem!" coughed Randy. "Is that how you address the king of everything?" "I'm sorry, your Randomness. I shall be mor respectful hereafter, your Wierdness." "That's the way to do it," said Randy. Then he began abusing and oppressing his peasants once more. [This is a story of randomness. join in and be random but still realistic. no houses falling from the sky and transforming into purple geese with tumors.] | ||||
Phillip stood, watching Randy abuse and oppress his peasants. Tears came to his eyes as he saw the poor people being beaten and oppressed. Weeping, he fell to his knees and slammed his head into the wall... It was dark when Phillip came to. Dried tears and blood caked his face and he stood slwoly, dizzy. "I must free these peasants from this terrible tyrant, Randy!" he declared dramatically. "Join me, young ones, and we shall rise uo and defeat the stupid jerk who oppresses and abuses us! Together, we shall fight! Together, we shall--" it was then that he realized he was alone. "Oh well," he thought. "So much for the drama." Wiping the fake blood from his head, he drew his sword and stealthily walked towards Randy's house. As he neared the house, the door swung open and Randy walked out. "For the oppressed and abused!" yelled Phillip, tears coming to his eyes. Leaping up the stairs and across the porch, Phillip thrust the sword through Randy, blood splattering Phillip's face. Ripping the sword out, Phillip cried, "We have defeated the tryant! hoorah!" "No, that wasn't Randy, that was Bob," said a passerby indifferently. Phillip looked closer at the man's face. Stunned, he looked down at Randy/Bob's face. As a crowd gathered, Phillip glanced at the face of each person, before sighing and crying out in frustration. Every face in the city of Randumb was alike. "This is going to be tougher than i thought," he said. | ||||
Phillip stood for a moment, thinking, then yelled "Does anybody here know how we can kill Randy?" The crowd was silent, then one man stepped forward. "I majored in War Strategy. More specifically, in Finding Out Who's Who When Everyone Looks Alike-War Strategy." Phillip looked over him and said, "you'll do." The man stepped up onto the porch. "So how do we do it?" asked Phillip. "Well," said the man, "i remember this was on page 457 1/2 of my booklet. It said that...well, we should just all kill each other." Phillip nodded. "Right. Do we have neough weapons?" "Well," said the man. "It says we didn't need weapons. We can just kill each other and ourselves however we want." "Awesome!" cried Phillip. "Let's do this!" A bloodbath ensued. Each man turned to his neighbor and attacked with fists, teeth, feet, mustaches, and anything the could lay their hands on. Right in front of Phillip, a man reached up and ripped off his mustache. As his lip bled profusely, he wound the mustache round the neck of the man next to him and pulled. The man's neck snapped in a matter of seconds. Within minutes, the formerly peaceful (except for abusing and oppressing) town was a battlefield. Dismembered, disemboweled, and decapitated bodies filled the streets. Every second, another man fell by the hand of his neighbor. Then, the streets were silent. Phillip was the only one standing...so it seemed. | ||||
Suddenly, the man-who-had-majored-inWar-Strategy-more-specifically-whatever stood behind Phillip. An evil chuckle erupted from his throat, as Phillip stood in horror. "Muahahahaha! I am Randy!" cried the man-who-had-majored-in-War-Strategy. "No!" cried Phillip melodramatically. "Yes! cried the man-who-had-majored-in-War-Strategy/Randy evilly. Then Phillip kicked him in the crotch and the man doubled over in great pain. The man-who-had-majored-in-War-Strategy slowly pulled himself off the ground, gritting his teeth. "You're right. I am not Randy." He slowly unbuttoned his shirt. "I...am..." "Hairy-chested?" inquired Phillip. "No!" cried the man-who's-name-is-too-long. "I...am..." he finished unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a tight spandex shirt underneath. "I...am...SPANDEXMAN!" | ||||
"Weeeeeeelll, it's actually not spandex," said Spandexman. "It's the stuff they use to make bathing suits and stuff--" Phillip kicked him in the crotch again. "Dude. You were starting to scare me, getting all dramatic and everything. Next time don't be such a jerk." As Phillip walked away, he kicked Spandexman/Randy/man-who's-name-is-too-long in the head. "Teehee." The next morning, a police chopper flying overhead saw something suspicious in Randumb and landed. Within the hour, the place was crawling with cops, while Spandexman and Phillip hid in the closet. Overnight, they had somehow become friends, although SPandexman still sometimes abused imaginary peasants. "We're never going to escape," whispered Spandexman. "Not like this. You know what you need? You need a superhero name and outfit." PHillip pondered for a moment. "I'm down." "Oooh oooh!" said Spandexman, raising his hand. "Pick me! Pick me!" "Yes, " said PHillip. "Spandexman?""I have an idea. How 'bout you're Bathing-suit-material-man?" Phillip pondered again, making a dramatic face. "No way," he said, kicking Spandexman in the crotch. "I wanna be refrigerator man." Excitedly, the two evil murderers hurried down the stairs and into the garage, where they cut holes in the refrigerator and slipped Phillip inside. "There, now i can be disguised!" Spandexman nodded. "Awesome!" Together, the two snuck out the door and into an empty copcar. Turning the randomly appearing keys in the ignition, Phillip, or Refrigeratorman, put the pedal to the metal. As they exited the town, they tried to see how many cops they could run down. "Help!" cried one, as the car disappeared into the distance. "That Refrigerator just stole my car!" | ||||
Volume 2 Two stealthy figures stealthily made their way stealthily to the stealth stuff store. Once inside, they murdered everybody inside and bought some invisible camo clothes. "They're so camo they're invisible!" said the rectangular one. "Yes, and if we're wearing them, no body can see them cause they're invisible! ...wait, Where'd i put them?" said the shiny one. Flinging expletives every which way, the rectangular one kicked the shiny one in the crotch. "You always do this. We've been trying to find these invisible camo clothes for four years and now you misplace them? You jerkbagel!" He kicked the shiny on in the crotch again. There was a squelch. "I do NOT want to know what that was," said the rectangular one, as the shiny one fell to the ground in agony. Suddenly, fromt he otherside of the room, a voice screamed profanities and yelled, "Dangit! I got water in my shoes and it warned them of my approach. Ha! I guiess i'll have to go commando-style." Slipping off his clothes, the random personmade an L with his fingers and held it up next to his face, slinking around the aisles of the stealthy stelath stuff store in san francisco. glancing every which way, he stepped around a corner, pointing his fake gun at whatever lay around the corner. there stood Refrigerator man and Spandex man...well, there LAY Spandexman, still rolling around in pain. the strange naked man fired his imaginary finger-gun thingy and Refrigeratorman screamed in anguish. He turned and gouged his eyes out, as the strange man remembgered that he was naked. Refrigerator mand flung his eyeballs at the man and knocked his head ooff. Then it was silent. Spandexman lay on the floor, groveeling and moaning. Refrigeratorman slumped against the wall, holding his eyesockets, and the strange man groped around, trying to find his head. | ||||
"Beep" "Blood pressure dropping!" "Beep""Heart rate slowing!"..."beep" "We're losing him!" ... "Heart stopped!" ..."Clear!" Bzzzt! ... "Clear!" Bzzt! ... As Spandexman's life passed away, Refrigeratorman lay in the corner, his empty eye sockets watery. As he sobbed, Naked-Headless-man attempted to comfort him, but to no avail. 12 hours earlier -- The sun rose over the three injured people. Refrigeratorman lay still, holding his empty eye sockets. Spandexman lay in a fetal position, and Naked-Headless-man still searched for his head. Suddenly, there was a crack and all three stared at the glass door. In the middle of the glass was a large, long crack. Then, the door shattered, glass flying everywhich way, as a freaky person with a hammer walked in. Leaping toward Spandexman, he swung his hammer downwards. There was a huge impact and dust rose and flew everywhere as the freaky man with a hammer stood over what he thought was his fallen victim. "aha!"cried Spandexman. "I moved at the last second and you missed m--" A blow from the hammer silenced him. "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Refrigeratorman dramatically. "Wait!" yelled Naked-Headless-man, as Refrigerator ran towards Spandexman's fallen body. The hammer swung. There was an impact. Freaky-hammer-man fell, as Naked-Headless-man's head implanted itself in his chest. As Refrigeratorman knelt at Spandexman's fallen body, Naked Headlessman planted his foot on the head of his fallen victim and tore his head out of the dudes chest. "Victory!" | ||||
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