| Bar jokes II |
THE SINGING
BULLFROG
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If
I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free
drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to
play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If
I show you an even better trick, will you give me free
drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender
agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better
than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls
out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles,
and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another
pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to
sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger
confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the
man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger
increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he
insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again
increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the
stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That
frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let
him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The
frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a
ventriloquist."
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THE MAGICAL
DANCING DUCK
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded
about a table watching a little show. On the table was
an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The
circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they
settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar
in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the
pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single
step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did
you remember to light the candle under the pot?
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FREE DRINKS
FOR THE BLIND
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar
and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't
bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is
my guide dog."
"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry,
here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink
and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first
guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring
that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The
second man graciously thanks the first man and continues
to the bar where he asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that
dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my guide dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They
do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?
They gave me a Chihuahua?"
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DOG BITES
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with
a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of
his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the
man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
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This topic has already been made...by me...
Bar Jokes |
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Forums / The hangaround / Bar Jokes |
| Author |
Message |
Mr. Spud
Report
11/12/2007 1:33:18 PM |
Come one come all! Bring your bar jokes along with you! good OR bad! We dont care!
Heres one for ya.
Alright, so 2 guys walk into a bar, you would think that one of them would see it.
Another.
A guy walks into a bar and sits up at the counter. The guy bets the bartender a drink that he can bite his eyeball. The bartender says " your on! Thats not possible." So the guy takes out his fake eye and bites it. The bartender replys with "Oh man you got me there, heres your drink." After the guy finishes his drink he bets the bartender again. "I bet you another drink that I can bite my other eyeball." The bartender agrees again thinking that the guy cant have 2 fake eyes cause he saw him walk in here just fine. So the guy takes out his teeth and bites his other eyeball. The bartender gives him a drink in defeat. The guy then takes his drink with him to go chat with another guy in the corner of the bar. When the guy is finished with the second drink, he walks up to the bartender and bets for a third time. "I bet you $100 I can pee into a shot glass from 10 feet away and not spill any." The bartender agrees and sets up the glass. They guy starts to pee but ends up peeing all over the bar. The bartender is happy now but still has to clean up the mess, so he cleans it up with a smile because he won $100. The guy that bet the bartender is also happy so the bartender asks him, "What are you so happy about, you just lost $100 on a stupid bet." The guy replies with "Thats OK, I bet the guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could pee all over the bar and have you clean it up with a smile on your face."
Another one.
A little piggy walks into a bar and asks for a drink of water. The bartender gives it to him. After the piggy is done he asks where the bathroom is. The bartender shows him, so the piggy uses it and leaves. A second piggy comes in the bar and also asks for a glass of water. After finishing the glass the piggy asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points down the hall. The piggy uses it and then leaves. A third piggy enters the bar and asks for a drink of water. The bartender tends to him with the glass of water and the piggy drinks it. After a bit the bartender asks the piggy, "Arnt you gonna asks where the bathroom is?" The piggy replies with "Nah, I go wee wee wee all the way home. |
Mr. Ridukuluz
Report
11/12/2007 1:53:02 PM |
A man walks into a bar............................
OUCH THAT HURTS
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Mr. Ygdal The Weak
Report
11/12/2007 11:27:02 PM |
A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink and the bartender says,"We don't serve ropes here."
The rope, a little upset leaves the bar. Outside the bar, the rope ties himself into a knot and frays his ends.
Walking back into the bar, the rope orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope I just told to leave?"
The rope replies,"Nope, I'm afraid not."
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Mr. Ygdal The Weak
Report
11/13/2007 1:46:51 AM |
Spud walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender remarks, "Wow he's beautiful, where did you get him?"
The parrot responds,"From my garden stupid."
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Mr. Yellow Jacket
Report
11/13/2007 2:11:29 AM |
A guy walks into a bar with a box. He takes a seat at the bar and places the box on the bar top to his left, and orders a drink.
The bartender gets him his drink and asks. "hey buddy, what's in the box?"
"A foot tall guy and his piano", replies the man...
"The bartender laughs, "Yeah right...that's a good one, now really, what's in the box"?
With a serious look the man states, "Really, look...I'll show you".
So the guy reaches into the box and takes out a tiny piano, and this little man, who sits at the piano (on the bar top) and plays a couple of outstanding songs.
"That is amazing", the bartender remarks..."where on earth did you ever find him"?
The man proceeds to tell the bartender that his grandfather had recently passed away, and while cleaning out his attic, he stumbled onto a lamp that was quite dusty. When he started to wipe off some of the dust, a Genie popped out offering to grant him a wish..."and here we are", he says.
The bartender already astonished says, "that is amazing, do you think I could try the lamp"?
"I don't see why not"... replies the man, who packs up the little man and his piano, and heads home to get the lamp.
A short time later the man returns and hands the bartender the lamp, but warns him to be careful because the Genie is a little hard of hearing...
Not caring too much, the bartender snatches up the lamp and gives it a good rub...and sure enough...in a puff a blue smoke, a Genie appears and offers to grant the bartender a single wish.
"That's easy", the bartender shouts out, "I want a million bucks"...
"Granted", says the Genie who then disappears back into his lamp...
A short while later, a duck walks into the bar, followed by another, and another, and another...Pretty soon the entire bar is swarming with ducks, and the aggravated bartender hollers over to the guy, "What's the heck is wrong with that Genie??? what does he think I'm going to do with a million ducks???"
To which the man replies..."tell me about it, what the heck does he think that I'm going to do with a 12 inch pianist???" :-P
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Mr. Brannigans Law
Report
11/13/2007 2:17:29 AM |
that ones not as good in text.... |
Mr. Ygdal The Weak
Report
11/13/2007 6:31:57 AM |
This isn't a bar joke but...
Two aliens land on earth one day and approach a gas pump. The first alien speaks to the gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader."
The second alien says to the first alien, "I think we should talk to someone else, he looks like a BAMF."
Well the first alien was a bit of a hot head and was getting annoyed at the gas pump for ignoring him. The first alien steps closer to the gas pump and demands, "Take me to your leader!"
The second alien, a worried frown on his face, says, "I don't think we should mess with this guy, he looks like a BAMF!"
The first alien, enraged at the gas pump for ignoring him, pulls out his ray gun. Pointing the gun at the gas pump, the first alien threatens, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER OR I'LL SHOOT!!!"
"DON'T DO IT, HE'S A BAMF!!!" ,yells the first alien in response while moving to knock the ray gun's aim away from its current target.
Zzzzzaaappp!
KABOOOM!!!
The aliens land 2 miles away. The first rolled over and asked, "How did you know?"
The second alien said, "ANYONE who can wrap their penis around their body and stick it in their ear is a BAMF!!!"
*BAMF means BAD ASS MOTHER *beep*ER for those who are abbreviation deficient.
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Mr. Slade
Report
11/15/2007 7:09:11 PM |
i walks into a bar and sits down i sees a jar full of money i asked the bartender wat the jar was for and he replies it for anyone that make my donkey laugh gets the money so i walks into th back room and then i walks out and go there and the bartender goes to see if the donkey was lauging at it was then i skulld my beer grabbed the jar and left the i go back 2 year later i sits down and i said to the bartender again whats the jar for the bartender says its for anyone that stops my donkey from laughing its been laughing for 2 years straght so the i walks into the back room and walks out the bartender walks into the back room and the donkey was crying the i grabs the jar and left but just befor the i exit the door the bartender says to the me howed you do it
then i sayed "i told it my DiK was bigger then his then i proved it" |
Mr. Revenge
Report
11/16/2007 12:14:09 AM |
you dont know english very well do if sort of killed the joke |
Sir Iwasfrozen V
Report
11/16/2007 2:01:29 AM |
Spud walks into a bar holding a piece of sh1t in his hand, Shouting out loud he says
"Look at what i nearly stood in." |
Mr. Spud
Report
11/16/2007 3:15:44 PM |
HAHAHA! That sounds like me! |
Sir Verll
Report
11/18/2007 2:22:27 PM |
Yup |
Duke Epyon
Report
12/3/2007 10:49:37 AM |
so a guy walks into a bar and he has a black eye. he notices another guy at the bar with a black eye and asks him what happened. the guy at the bar says that it was just a slip of the tongue. "I was at the airport and I was pretty tired. When I saw a hot blonde behind the counter I accidentally asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh" the other guy responded, "The same thing happened to me. It was just a slip of the tongue. I tried to ask my wife to pass me the cereal but what came out was 'you ruined my life you stupid b1tch'" |
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A farmer is sitting outside a pub having a drink. a man walks up to him and asks him the time. the farmer lifts up a donkeys tail and says "its 1:30". the man is amazed and says "how can you tell the time by looking at the donkeys tail?" the farmer says i cant. i had to move it so i could see the clock.
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a man wonders into a bar and sits down for a drink. the barman asks him if he wants to take the bar challenge to win a years supply of free booze. the guy refuses and proceeds to get roaring drunk, he then accepts the challenge and asks for the details. the barman says he has to down 3 shots of whisky without making a face, go out back and remove a bad tooth from a crocodile then go upstairs and pleasure a woman who has never been before. The man accepts, downs the shots and goes out back. sounds of screeming and tearing follow untill the man comes back in all bluddy and swaying saying "now wheres that girl with the bad tooth?"
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Universe walks in to a bar............
It hurt. lolz
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