Computer Jokes |
New Secretary
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy *beep*! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "*beep*! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
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Diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. 2. Get a water softener. 3. Your dog has ringworm. 4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 5. Your daughter is using cocaine. 6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. 7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
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Car Problem
One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."
The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."
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Microsoft VS. GM
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
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Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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New AOL Messages
Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!
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Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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Online Too Long
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face.
8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
12. You have met over 100 AOLers.
13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.
18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".
23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
25. Your dog leaves you.
26. You have to ask what year it is.
27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!"
28. You name your pets after people you talk to.
29. You smile sideways...
30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perv".
34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).
36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"
39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
42. You don't know where the time has gone.
43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.
47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
49. You type faster than you think.
50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
55. You dream in "text".
56. Being called a new player is a "MAJOR" insult.
57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.
58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
59. You double click your TV remote.
60. You can now type over 70wpm.
61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".
63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.
64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
66. You stop speaking in full sentences.
67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
69. You know what a "snert" is.
70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
Since you've been here reading this joke it proves how long you actually do spend online
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Time to Vote whats your favourite Computer Joke of them all
Place your votes:
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The Current Vote's Have Been Counted And Verified
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Joke 3 = 0 points Joke 4 = 0 points
Joke 5 = 0 points Joke 6 = 0 points
Joke 7 = 0 points Joke 8 = 0 points
Pease Keep Voting And Come Back To Find Out If Your Favourite Won The Most Votes. The Winning Joke Will Be Announce Later In The Week
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the alst one and there where a couple taht where me with AIM. Like the sign on first thing in the morning. it is waht i do and signing off is almsot the alst thing i do at night =P. and tehre where more when i palyed runescape like one time i almost said lol to a joke in RL =P and i dont use proper punctuation but i spell everything correctly unless its a typo. But i only did that cause i used to type like "how r u today?" when i was writing english papers alst year =P it got annoying ^_^
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The last one sucked...I got bored and stopped reading it about at number 50.
Even though the first one had NOTHING to do with computers, It was the best.
[Vote: New Secretary]
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Way cool : 59. You double click your TV remote. :)))
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The Current Vote's Have Been Counted And Verified
And so far the scores are
Joke 1 = 1 points Joke 2 = 0 points
Joke 3 = 0 points Joke 4 = 1 points
Joke 5 = 0 points Joke 6 = 1 points
Joke 7 = 0 points Joke 8 = 2 points
Pease Keep Voting And Come Back To Find Out If Your Favourite Won The Most Votes. The Winning Joke Will Be Announce Later In The Week
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The diagnoses one was the best
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The Current Vote's Have Been Counted And Verified
And so far the scores are
Joke 1 = 1 points Joke 2 = 1 points
Joke 3 = 0 points Joke 4 = 1 points
Joke 5 = 0 points Joke 6 = 1 points
Joke 7 = 0 points Joke 8 = 2 points
Pease Keep Voting And Come Back To Find Out If Your Favourite Won The Most Votes. The Winning Joke Will Be Announce Later In The Week
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The Votes are low, So please Keep voting to see what everyone's favourite joke is...
. Elvmager .
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#1. i didnt even get the car problems one. am i just blonde?
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More jokes please. I really need a laugh right now. :(
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The Current Vote's Have Been Counted And Verified
And so far the scores are
Joke 1 = 2 points Joke 2 = 1 points
Joke 3 = 0 points Joke 4 = 1 points
Joke 5 = 0 points Joke 6 = 1 points
Joke 7 = 0 points Joke 8 = 2 points
Pease Keep Voting And Come Back To Find Out If Your Favourite Won The Most Votes. The Winning Joke WilBe Announce On The 21st July 2007
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