Ladies, gentlemen, Swifty, I am pleased to announce we have decided to set up a Fantasy Football League for us all to play in.
Any Americans, gtfo now as it's football, not soccer. I've set it up so those (like me) who set it up before the season started, and got points from week 1 won't have an advantage as it doesn't start till Game Week 2.
Nah, but on a serious note Soccer/Football is not really too bad but it does get boring sometimes. American Football/Foozball/Hand Egg is hardly ever boring. You get to see a 6'2, 225 lbs running back smash into a 6'7, 280 lbs linebacker and plow right trough him.
it's a culture shock for you americans, but there's more to a game than points or goals.
we don't need to inflate scores by pretending 1 goal = 100 points, nor do we feel insecure if a game is "tied". there doesn't always need to be a winner.
there's more to a game than scoring goals, too. tactics, skill, passion, support, etc. doesn't matter whether it's 1-0 or 10-0, it can be a great game.
there's a reason why football is the most popular sport in the world, while nobody outside of america plays handegg. even rugby is more popular, but that also commands more respect as it's 80 full minutes of physical play without the space armour, fat guys or constant breaks/commercials.
You linked me to NFL and you have the balls to call it "real" football. I hope you do realise that the only reason U.S.A win the world championship every year is because they are the only country to compete, right? Also You guys (Americans) need to grow some fucking balls, you where tonnes of protection and you claim its because you get hit by 300lbs linebackers etc etc. (Another point I'll get to later). I had an American exchange student who came to my school (A very big rugby school) and he played running back for the high school level state team (Represented Florida I'm pretty sure, got college scholarships etc) We got him to play in our schools 3rd XV team and he had to ask if we didn't accidentally put him in our representative side as he has never been hit that hard before ever.
Back to the 300lbs thing, You really have to question the integrity of a sport that REQUIRES you to take performance enhancing drugs just to make the national league. Its a well know fact and its in the same boat as Wrestling is fake but people still watch it.
TL:DR You are daft if you think American handegg is the best sport,
nobody wants to watch grown men running for three hours for the score to end 1-0
How do you score 1 point in NFL? As football games only go for 90 minutes.
Swiffers: (too lazy to quote name) this graphic was from analysis of NFL handegg games across an entire season. 9.4% only being actual sport is pretty damning.
I forgot about that, read somewhere theres like only 11 minutes of actual play time in a game.
08:01:55 Aug 21st 13 - Mr. Halfwit: The other 90.6% of the time is reserved for beer and munchies.
Well with the slow legalization of marijuana your gonna need all the time you can get for more bong pulls and the munchies
So at the end of Day 1, we've entered unknown ground. An alternate universe perhaps? Benton is 1st?
I'll post everyone's teams, possibly with some comments on the choice of players from my expertise after the matches today finish. If I can be bothered.
I'll post everyone's teams, possibly with some comments on the
choice of players from my expertise after the matches today finish. If I
can be bothered.
possibly with some comments on the
choice of players from my expertise after the matches today finish.
comments on the
choice of players from my expertise
Okay, we've been due a FF update for several days now. But
due to Zorro's appearance and Reedle's subsequent bawling, nothing has
materialised. Aka Reedle refuses to make an update until the offending posts
are deleted and Zorro is escorted off the premises. So I've stepped in to break
the deadlock. This is the Korean war all over again. A ceasefire has been
called. TBL [both North and South Korea.. bear with me here] and Reedle [the
U.S.] stare at each other over the parapets. I, the UN, mediate.
Welcome to FF update #1.
The first FF week has finished and the table is as follows:
We currently have 9 participants in the FF league. Among our
revered ranks are: a Doctor, 2 Northerners, a woman and a wasteman. We have men
from all walks of life. Self-made millionaires, burger flippers and Fordius.
Truly representative of modern mankind. So let me introduce to you each player
and a brief comment about their team selection/performance for week 1.
First up is: Dr. James Moore with the team Downing Syndrome.
Dr. James is arguably the most knowledgeable of all FF participants and is
often found in Dumbdumb chan giving advice. Dubbed "the connoisseur"
by everybody but himself, Dr James also has developed a bit of a reputation as
a playboy. Dr James opted for a solid, but not spectacular team with his
purchases in week 1. De Gea, Ivanovic, Jagielka, Zabaleta, Yaya, Silva,
Walcott, Soldado and Benteke were all bought for under 10m each. Dr. James
racked the points in week 1 and were it not for City [1/4 of his players coming
from the club] fucking up in their easy tie vs. Cardiff, Dr James surely would
have taken the top spot.
Overall ranking: A*
Derek Trotter, Frimponged. Osiris is arguably is probably
the most irrelevant of all FF participants and is often found in Dumbdumb chan and on the VU forums
being overlooked and ignored. Dubbed "Osigoth" by everybody but
himself, Osiris likes to remind us on a daily basis that he led Abydos and beat Legacy once. He also moans about Arsenal a lot. Apparently. I don't know,
I gloss over what he says. I like Osiris' team, I really do. But there's no
fucking way he should have got more points than me. His major signings were
Mignolet, Ivanovic,Michu, Hazard,
Paulinho, Cazorla, Fellaini and Solado. Soldado earnt him an impressive 14
points, Jagielka 9 and Shawcross [what the fuck?] 9 to fire him into pole
position for week one. Michu, Hazard, Paulinho and Fellaini bombed.
Overall ranking: A
Brenton Martin, Australia's finest. Brenton is arguably the
"wealthiest" of all FF participants having accrued a fortune from
"stock investments" and is often found in Dumbdumb chan TBL'ing it up
with boasts about his RL, his wealth, his pad and his job. We believe you, mate. Dubbed
"Benton" by everybody but himself, Benton is a serial FM cheat and
all his FF transactions should be met with scrutiny. Benton opted for a well-rounded
team. Mignolet, Ivanovic, Agger, Hazard, Walcott, Cazorla, Berbatov and Benteke
the major buys. With an unassumingpoints return from his strikers, the rest of his team chipped in to fire
Benton up the table. Fair play.
Overall ranking: B
Fordius Duckzilgodzillagargoruou, ForzaDreamTeam. Minus half a grade
already for the wank team name. Fordius is arguably the least mobile of all FF
participants and is rarely found in Dumbdumb chan talking [unless
it's mobility scooter related]. Dubbed "the dirty Turk" by everybody,
including himself, Fordius has a reputation of starting VU KDs then going AWOL.
Fordius spent the majority of his funds on high profile strikers. £25m of his
budget was spent on Aguero and Van Persie. As a result, his midfield looked
relatively weak in comparison with Ramsey, J. Cole, Paulinho and De Bruyne
forming the basis of it [gaining 8 points between the 4 of them]. At the back,
Mignolet and Enrique look to have been inspired signings [19 points between the
2].
Overall ranking: B-
Daniel Stirling, Multiple Scorgasms. Daniel Stirling is
arguably the most knowledgeable of all FF participants about FM and is often
found in Dumbdumb chan not making jokes. Dubbed "Danwell" by
everybody but himself, Stirling has in recent weeks become Dr James' best
friend and wingman, often giving out female advice. Like Fordius, Stirling opted
for an expensive strike force and on paper at least, had a stronger midfield
than Fordius in terms of personnel [Hazard, Wilshere, Taraabt, Lucas] and a
tidy defence [Terry, Zabaleta, Jones, Mignolet]. But results/performances
didn't go his way and Danwell was left adrift in week one. I'm expecting big things from the big man next week.
Overall ranking: C
Alex Cox, Waste of Space. Plus one grade as it describes him
as a person. Minus two as it's a shit FF name. Bran is arguably the least knowledgeable
of all FF participants and is often found in Dumbdumb chan saying stupid shit, then
pretending such comments aren't representative of his true beliefs but are
instead trolls. Dubbed "Hodor" by everybody but himself, Bran is a
stupid motherfucker and I hate him, the burger flipping cockgobbler. He is so
fucking clueless when it comes to FF that he bought Coleman [the 2nd highest
point generating defender so far] and benched him, bought Shitesny as his GK
and overloaded his midfield with players [none of whom gained more than 3
points each this week], thus bombing in the scores. The only redeeming quality
about his team is that Dzeko saved him from abject embarrassment, lifting him
from the bottom of the table on day 3.
Overall ranking: F. As in: fuck off Bran.
David Lee, bran sucks. Yes, that's his team name. Yes, we
all agree with the sentiment. Plus one grade [and I'll be honest, he needed
that point. Badly.] I don't have a fucking clue who David Lee is. Like no
fucking clue mates. Is he that David wanker from Hotel channel? Is he? I
fucking hate that David, if it's the same one he can suck a nut. I literally
have nothing to say about David Lee. Who is he? Really. I know about Tyler and
he spends half the time pretending he's James Bond. Are you Tyler? Fuck it. I'm calling you David Brent from now on. I
think David was google searching some sort of feet/testicle fantasy when he
accidently stumbled across the FF website. He's clueless. Whittaker/Hangeland
in defence. Kasami in midfield [with Silva on the bench], Welbeck/Aguero up top
[with V.Persie on the bench]. What a cock. Next week I'll be cheering him on, like a proud
parent watching a retarded son spaz across the finish line, because I need
somebody to beat Bran. Anybody. Nobody has probably ever said this to you
before David, but I believe in you.
Overall ranking: F-. That team name saved you.
Joshua Reed, Surreal Madrid. Reed is arguably the
quickest
shelf stacker in all of Hull and is often found in Dumbdumb chan not
watching
Hull Tiger games. Or any games for that matter. Dubbed "Reedle" by
everybody including himself, Reed is the antithesis of TBL. Not a
lawyer, not
intelligent, not rich, not a success in VU, not Asian. Reedle's team is
so wank
he would have been better off pretending he was logged in to FF at work
when
downs kid came in again, beat him up, stole his chinos and hacked his FF
team,
rather than admit he created it himself. That would be less embarrassing
than admitting this was your creation. Are we even sure this is Reedles
account? What if somebody signed up with his name to play a prank on us
by creating a wank team. Bought Baines, sold him. Bought Hazard,
Benteke, Zabaleta and RVP. Then took a giant dump on his team and shat
out
O'Shea, Wanyama, Schneiderlin, Zaha and Sagbo [who got a red card]. It
says a
lot when Coloccini [who doesn't want to play for Toon [or Reedle for that
matter]] is
your best player that week. Use a wildcard Reedle. Or three.
Overall ranking: U
Jenna side, Cardigan Clippers. Hi babe. You've pretty much
shown nudes to every guy in VU, bar me. Even Zond even got an eyeful. Give us a
peek lass. I know erry'ting 'bout futbal. I'll trade you tips for tits. Jenna
joined the league too late to take part in our first week. I can't see her
team yet. I can however pretty much guarantee you it's better than Reedles.
Overall ranking: N/A
Honourable mention:
Hanky.
Hanky intended on joining up with us in the FF league but he got
incredibly agitated, distressed and quickly ragequit the channel
screaming "illuminati!" after somebody tried to explain to him that we
weren't actually physically controlling these players and that they
weren't trapped inside his computer monitor as Hanky had believed.
Stoned out of his head, Hanky still would have probably gained more
points than Reedle this week if he was playing.
Overall ranking: N/A
That concludes our first FF week. Tune in next week to find me top.
Sports in general is entertaining. Soccer (or football to others) is pretty good up close. American Football is good on a T.V. I went to a football game but I was bored. The only fun thing about Baseball is if you get a foul ball. I am not really that thrilled about baseball much. Hockey is great as long as someone punches someone's face and takes out a tooth. Golf is only fun to watch when you are actually there and you are the only one who makes a noise while the guy attempts to drive the ball down the green. Rugby is okay but I have never been to a game. I expect that to be a fun outing if you like a sport where its legal to kicks someone's behind (literally). Sports have their own way of reaching people so I guess it is up to preference. If you like Soccer and hate football, cool, as long as that does not get in the way of us playing in VU then we should be alright.
592892-534847 Is the code, do it without spaces. It seemingly worked for everyone else, not sure why it stopped now. Alternatively, if it still doesn't work, send me your email and I should be able to invite you via that.
It's been a busy week in Dumbdumb chan. A Romanian has
returned to the flock, Benton and Fordius devised a solution to the European
financial crisis (it involved Arabs sponsoring 6 million Scottish people and
turning them all into millionaire footballers, don't ask), Dr. James received
rapey texts at 2am and Reedle found a new tree trunk to fawn over.
The main talking points of this week were: Chelsea and Villa
not featuring: Who to replace from each team in our FF line ups? Who to kick
from Dumbdumb channel so Reedle could edit the topic? Brans stupidity. The last
two weren't connected, but with hindsight I wish they were.
Welcome to FF Week #2:
Dr James - Downing Syndrome: If you're looking for a stand
out performer in FF, then look no further. City fucked Dr. James over last week
result wise, but he kept faith in the boys in baby blue and they repaid that
trust tenfold. Zabaleta, Yaya and Silva collectively earnt the connoisseur 29
points on day 1 to fire him up the table. Giroud and Walcott pitched in on
match day 2 to cement the Doctors place as the best FFer, earning an impressive
62 points this week.
Overall ranking: A*
Osigoth - Frimponged: You lucky, lucky boy. Osiris'
laissez-faire attitude nearly cost him dearly this week. With Chelsea not playing,
he left Hazard and Ivanovic in the team and said he didn't care about swapping
them out and bringing in like-for-like replacements. Instead he had to rely on
his substitutes and they bailed him out big time. The Goth had 42 points before
Davies came off the bench to earn a whopping 15 points [and Wilbraham 1] to
push him back into contention and save him the blushes. Earnt 58 points.
Overall ranking: A-. You fuck up and still get bailed out.
The Convict - Australia's Finest. In-between humanitarian
efforts and forwarding plans to solve the financial crisis, the self-made
millionaire found time to set out his FF team this week. What a guy. All in all
it was a very well rounded effort from the Socceroos. There was only one star
performer in Agger, but 5 other players earnt 6 or more points [including the
inspired choice Whittaker] to fire him into contention for the "2nd place,
behind Dr. James" award. Earnt 53 points.
Overall ranking: B+
Jennababe - Cardigan clippers: She's a woman, she knows less
about football than Reedle and Hodor put together [which is quite a feat] and
she thinks a position is something that she and Dr. James regularly make.
Despite all these handicaps, Jenna has sent shockwaves through Dumbdumb chan by
storming up the table. Her detractors [mainly the woman hating Benton] will say
she autoed her team selection, but that never stopped Benton from
"winning" on FM with the same method. Jenna chose to play with 10 men
this week [without Benteke the captain] because she could. Problem? It raised a
few eyebrows, but proved to be a masterstroke when vice-captain Mignolet went
on to earn 14 points. Imagine if the Doctor and Jenna [with her expressed
permission] had intercourse. They could make super FF babies. Earnt 47 points.
Overall ranking: B. As in, blow me. Please. I don't mean
that in a derogatory way. It's a legit request. Blow me.
Godzilla - ForzaDream Team, sponsored by Fordius' mobility
scooters: A conservative approach from the Turk this week, opting for 5 at the
back. His 5 forwards/midfielders only gained 11 points between them, but good
performances from Gibbs [lol], Enrique [lol], Zabaleta and Mignolet brought
home the bread for Fordius in his buggy basket. We haven't seen Fordius in
Dumbdumb chan since the scores and we aren't likely to see him for another week
either, but excited shouts of "Allahu Akbar" were heard at FT and we
can only assume he was happy with the outcome. Earnt 47 points.
Overall ranking: B.
David Brent - Bran sucks [He really does]: I'm not going to
tell you how he fared this week. It's not even worth the effort. Instead I will
just tell you each of his players scores and you can figure it out for
yourself. Starting from the back, left to right: 14, 1, 1, 12, 2, 2, 2, 3, 2,
1. What the actual fuck. How did Reed and Hodor lose to Brent? Earnt 41 points.
Overall ranking: C-
Hodor - Waste of Space: If I gained a brain cell every time
Bran opened his mouth, I still think I'd end up in negative figures. Ever
wondered what a retards thoughts on the Syrian crisis is? No, me neither. Yet I
still had to endure Brans epiphany’s. Obama wants war to sell guns, there's
been no gas attacks, Putin is to be trusted, France isn't. I think that was the
jist of it. 0 points from Shaw and Cole, with injuries from sick notes Jones
and Wilshere left Bran with a predictably low score. Earnt 39 points.
Overall ranking: D. As in, Bran you're a dickhead.
Wilbad - Surreal Madrid:I was going to say "Red faced? More like red carded!" but both
apply in this instance. For the 2nd week in a row Reedle is the only player to
have had a player sent off. I don't even know how he does it. If there's ever
an example of how not to play FF, this is it. Each week before the transfer
deadline I now nervously look at his team selection and make sure I don't have
any of his players before submitting my offers. You can be a woman, you can
play with 10 men, you can be lobotomized. You can do/be all these things and
still end up with more points than the Reedler. His 5 forwards/midfielders
earnt 8 points between them. I don't even.. Earnt 36 points.
Overall ranking: E
Danwell - Multiple Scorgasms: This hurts me. No man deserves
to be below Reedle or Hodor and yet this week Danwell finds himself in this
unfortunate position. I hope this embarrassment will be a wakeup call and spur
him onto greater things. Only Mignolet and Zabaleta earnt more than 4 points
for Danwell this week. It's easy to see where he went wrong: his team looks
nothing like Dr. James. I think a quick visit to the Doctors surgery should
solve his FF [and any other] problems. Earnt 35 points.
Overall ranking: E
That's the end of FF week 2. There’s a 2 week break now
while they do internationals and shit. In the meantime Dr James will be running
emergency FF coaching courses in Dumbdumb chan. Entry fees are £5 an adult,
children and those under 16 [Benton] get in for free. Australian dollars are not an
acceptable currency, tit pics are a suitable alternative provided you're A) not
Bran B) are Jenna. Thanks.
A little later than had been planned, this is the first of a [probably very short, given the quality of answers] series where I, Dr Moorely, sit down with the FF participants and get to know them a little better. I would like to make grandiose boasts about how you're in for a treat [or a McDonalds, in Brans case] tonight, but taking one look at my interviewee, I can tell you already you're not.
An evening with Reedle:
Food. Clothes. Check-outs. Old women. What do all of these have in common? Well, they're all found in an ASDA supermarket. My first guest isn't a ASDA supermarket, he's a FF player who works in an ASDA supermarket. His name is Mr Josh Reed. There's possibly a finer way to start my series than in the company of the never-delivering, tree-trunk chasing, shelf stacking legend, but he'll have to do. Without further ado:
Dr. Moorely: Josh Reed mate, how are you? *Josh Reed mumbles something incoherently in his northern tongue. Dr. Moorely forces a smile and nods uncertainly.* DM: Haha! Nice one.
DM: Right, now.. Can you tell us a bit about yourself? Anything interesting that we wouldn't know already from one of TBL's google searches? Josh Reedle: Alright. I'm sure you know everything already. What with us knowing each
other's inner-most secrets. About how you're a registered sex
offe...nvm. *Dr. Moorely continues nodding politely, still unable to make out what he's saying. He grabs a drink and takes a sip: orange juice, of course.* DM: Thanks for that. Now for a break.
*The show breaks for commercials.While Reedle watches the Plus.net one intently, Doctor Moorely scurries around trying to find a translator. They resume 5 minutes later*
DM: What was the idea behind your FF name? Some say it's wank. JR: It's times like these I'm glad I know who my friends are. I know you would never mock me. DM: Ever the politician, Reedle. Just like the time you were involved in the plot to kick me from LGC and pretended you knew nothing of the conspiracy. *Dr. Moorely slaps his thigh and laughs.*
DM: Who is your favourite/worst FF player? Try not name your entire team for the 2nd part. JR: It's a tough question, you know? But err, at the end of the day, it
would be any striker who isn't scoring. You know? At the end of the day,
if you're an out of form striker and errr, not scoring, you know. *The producer looks at Dr. Moorely and motions towards his throat with his hand. Dr. Moorely understands. Reedle is killing this harder than old age did Rev's parents* JR: ... you
got to put the ball in the back of the errr, goal, you know? Otherwise,
at the end of the day you'll be dropped. Having an expensive midfielder
too that doesn't earn you any points is a bad choice too. DM: So basically, your team is wank? JR. Basically.. yes.
DM: What's your style/formation and why? JR: Sticking 3 up the front. I tend to do that alot. Ladies of ASDA can tell
you this. 3 up the front is always the best policy. But you have to
make sure you don't neglect the hole at the back. Nowatimean? DM: What? No. Not really.. no. *Josh Reedle makes finger puppet motions.* DM: What has your fat sausage fingers got to do with this?
DM: Dr James: Greatest? Discuss. JR: Bad with women. Old. Single. In his 30s. Lives alone in his Mum's basement. Hmm, discuss. DM: I don't even.. Can I just say for the sake of clarity that I'm not old and my womanising skills under Danwells tutelage are improving on a day-to-day basis? I talk to several girls a day, ask them how they are and if I'm not a quivering wreck by the end of the discourse, I even say goodbye.
DM: Who is your biggest FF rival and why? *Josh Reedle nervously wipes the sweat off his clammy hands down his chinos* JR: My biggest rival would have to be errrr, the red pieces of card. DM: Don't worry, it took me a few seconds to realise what he was referring to, too. A subtle but effective reference to his moronic transfers and their tendencies to accumulate red cards.
DM: Who do you think will win FF? Who is the surprise package? No point
in asking who you think will come last. You're hardly going to name
yourself. JR: I would have to put my money on Osi winning.. *Dr. Moorely stares intently at Reedle and holds a finger to his lips. Reedle stops abruptly. There's silence for a few seconds.* DM: Fuck off. *Dr. Moorely lowers his finger and nods towards Reedle* DM: Continue.. JR: ..Although you're in first,
if I know anything from James Mudman Moorely, it is thus. You start off
strong, finish weak, pretend you don't care. *Angered, Dr. Moorely rises* DM: No, really Reedle. I meant it first time. Fuck off. You're supposed to say I'm going to win. Fuck off with that Osi bullshit I'm not having it. We all know he's a fluking joker who should be at least 20 points behind me right now. I'm the connoisseur.
DM: Predictions for next week. Who will come top? Last? JR: NEXT week, I'd say Jenna to come last, I've said it manya time, but
choosing all the players who got alot of points in week 1 is a terrible
decision.. *Dr. Moorely cups his hand and whispers off camera while Reedle rambles on* DM. I like how the bads bag on the bads. It's like a shit swamp with these two. As they both sink to the bottom they take snipes at each other. JR: ..You can't pretend she has a good team when she just filled it
up with the previous week's star team. Osi to win. DM: Fascinating stuff, Reedle.
DM: Will Hanky be a permament FF fixture or will he forget his login details? JR: Does he know it's football? I bet he thinks it's rugby. DM: Does he even know it's Christmas? JR: Wat DM: Band aid. Black children, Christmas, etc. You know what, forget it. *Josh Reedle stares blankly*
DM: Any parting words? Shout outs? Bargains at ASDA for us to know about? JR: I'd like to give a shout-out to my main girl, Kelsey Stirling. May you
continue being *beep*ty and taking one up the chuff round the back of
Asda. DM: Thanks for that Reedle.
The international break is over. FF is back. Week 3 has finished. Let's see how we all got on.
The main events over the past 2 weeks in Dumbdumb chan: The Doctor developed a relationship with a mysterious girl called Alice and they exchanged flirtacious texts. Danwell told a joke. Osi Bran'ed the place up when he argued Kagawa and Rooney were shit. Reedle collected enough copper coins to buy a new brick phone. Benton tried invent a new language. I'm pree sure it didn't catch on. Hanky said his friends were "mental" and that he "helped" them, before admitting he had demons on his shoulders whispering evil thoughts to him. Doctor James later diagnosed Hanky as schizophrenic and removed the selotaped, push-to-talk action men from Hankys shoulder blades and Bran waded into the "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" debate by forcebly stating neither: dinosaurs did.
Welcome to FF Week #3:
Clunge
magnet - Downing Syndrome: Where better to start than with the very best?
Despite being overwhelmed and inundated with the sexual advances from one
particular fit blonde lass, the Doctor still found time to set up his FF team
and romp to victory in the 3rd FF week. An injured Silva was replaced with
Nasri. Captain Giroud was an inspired choice earning him an incredible 22
points. He isn't arrogant lads, just very good. Earnt 59 points. Overall ranking: A*
Alice - Surreal Madrid: Well, this is a turn up for the books. The
perpetual undeliverer got his act together in week 3 to mount a serious
challenge for the mid-table mediocrity award. It only took him 3 weeks to use
it, but upon seeing David [David? who the fuck is David? No, really] and
co catch him up Reedle frantically waved his wildcard and cashed in on his
misfiring misfits. 19 players were transferred, with the likes of Giroud, RVP,
Benteke, Yaya, Ozil, Zabaleta and Mignolet brought in. Basically, he randomised
his team selection like Jenna and struck gold. Earnt 65 points.
Overall ranking: A
The Brain - Waste of Space: Have we entered an alternate or parallel universe?
I was tempted to pinch myself [deciding not to in the end, because it would
hurt] when I saw Reedle this high, but Bran? Fucking Bran? Like Reedle, Bran
played his wildcard in week 3 to save his season. Over the previous 2 weeks he
shrugged off all the criticisms and played the clown when defending his team
selections. "Dzeko/Michu/Wilshere/J.Cole/Jones/Ramires are great, just you
see". Well he hasn't fucking got them now, has he! Methinks he's going to
be acting a bit more serious now he's earnt a decent score. Cue Branbragging
until he slumps to another 30 point total and slinks off into the background.
Earnt 61 points.
Overall ranking: A. As in, "Aaah, fuck off already will you Bran? ."
Stephen Hawking - ForzaDreamTeam: There isn't much variety to Fordius' team.
All of the players in his first 11 come from
City/United/Liverpool/Chelsea/Arsenal/Spurs. This indicates his PL knowledge is
[like Reed and Jennas] limited. But despite this he is still managing to earn a
decent points tally each week and mount a serious challenge for the "2nd
behind Moorely" award. We haven't seen much of Fordius in Dumbdumb chan
this week, save the odd comment about Madrid [and Arsenal, Fener, BvB, Ajax,
Juve, PSG, Celtic and Sporting. He's such a super fan]. I have little doubt
he'll rear his ugly head over the next few days, spam us with smileys, remind
us of his FF score, argue about which league FM leagues he played with us, then
sign off with a "haha, oh well :)". Gotta love Turks. Earnt 57
points.
Overall ranking: A-
Cracking body, decent personality - Cardigan Clippers: I don't know how
she does it. Neither does she, for that matter. I think she forgot about the
game last week. Jenna, if you're still out there, please give me a visit. Then
a reach around. Making 0 transfers and with Silva/Johnson injured, it's
difficult to say some of her choices were inspired. They were mandatory. But
the players still brought home the bread. Captain Benteke earnt Jenna an
impressive 16 points to push her within touching distance of David [David? who
the fuck is David? no, really. who is he?]. And Davids been playing a week
longer than her. Earnt 48 points. I was serious about the reach around btw
Jenna. Get back to me.
Overall ranking: B
Mini-me - Australia's Finest: It's a sad sight, I tell you mates. To see a
young lad [13] struck down in his prime. Benton was one of the many to wildcard
this week in a desperate attempt to catch the uncatchable Moorely.
Unfortunately for Benton, Wenger and co conspired against him by not revealing
who was injured and who would play. A surprise announcement that Captain
Cazorla was out with an ankle injury hours before the game meant Benton would
have to rely on his subs. Except his subs (Agger, Welbeck and Hernandez) didn't
play either because they were also injured. Meaning Benton played with 10 men
in the legit and not the Osi-lucking-and-relying-on-subs sense. Fortunately for
Benton Giroud was vice captain and bagged him 22 points to save the blushes. If
this was FM, he probably would have reloaded this week by now. Earnt 44 points
Overall ranking: B-
Going Postal - Pants on Fire: Hanky is the [bi]polar opposite of Jenna. Where she
doesn't act, he doesn't think. His selection is interesting because even though
he lacks any footballing knowledge, he still managed to pick a decent team,
albeit for the wrong reasons. Upon completing his hazardous paper round one morning,
having braved gale force winds lashing against him and dogs bark incessantly as
he prised open letterboxes, Hanky returned home, took a dump, put on his
favourite record ["I'm in the mood for dancing"], sat down and
decided on his team. Ergo, he bought Hazard, Gayle, Barkley, Mertesacker and
Nolan. Nobody knows how he did it, but he earnt 43 points.
Overall ranking: B-
The Joker - Multiple Scorgasms: Tears well up as I write this. The man has
simply lost his mojo. Once revered in Dumbdumb chan as the most knowledgeable
FM player with the name of every possible regen on the tip of his tongue, his
ventures into FF territory have left him exposed and embarrassed. Sometimes
funny men go through rough patches, lose all hope, hit the bottle and
eventually come out the other side stronger. We can only hope Danwell will do
the same, our very own Chris Evans. Like many others fearing Moorelys break
away peloton, Danwell played his wildcard this week. On paper he selected a
decent team, except perhaps lacking up top. We expect better [than
Jenna/Hanky/Bran/Reed] next time. Earnt 43 points.
Overall ranking: B-
James Bond - bran sucks: David? Who the fuck is David? No, really. Who is he?
Earnt 42 points
Overall ranking: C
Led Abydos once, didn't you know? - Frimponged: A better man wouldn't gloat at
the misfortune of others. I'm not that man. Indeed, I am "better"
than Osi in many facets: looks, intelligence, ability to pick a FF team that
does reasonably well and isn't reliant on luck. But I'm not one to miss an
opportunity like this. Like everybody else jumping on the "OH NOES, WE
MUST CATCH MOORELY" bandwagon, Osi spunked out his wildcard but decided to
only tinker with his team slightly by bringing in 4 players [Nolan, Berbatov,
Ozil, Zabaleta]. They did okay. His undoing was switching to a 5-4-1 formation
and playing Berbatov as the sole striker. Fordius is now breathing down his
neck, figuratively speaking. I'm not sure if Ford can reach that high. Earnt 40
points.
Overall ranking: C-
Pingu - Penguins: Not a great week for Rimjob. Opted for a 5-4-1 formation with
Aguero as the sole striker. It spectacularly backfired when he only earnt 2
points. None of his 4 midfielder’s earnt more than 2 points each. Coleman,
Shawcross and Walker gave average returns, finishing off a wank week for the
Eastern European. On a positive note, he's now ranked the 1,776th best FF
player in Lithuania behind the likes of "Jaroslavas Butkevicius" and
"Egidijus Urbonavicius". On the flip side, only 1,776 people in
Lithuania actually have access to computers and electricity. Earnt 32 points.
This week in Dumbdumb chan: Osi has kept trying to escape, only to be re-invited. David considered doing the same until he realised nobody would notice. Swifty uploaded pictures of Reeds sister. To be fair mate, she does have great norks. Hanky hasn't been seen since he last took a shower. Presumed to have drowned. Danwell has been promoting a new FM league. It's been a great success! Reedle bemoaned a girl leaving ASDA. His awful shirt probably put her off. Benton showed us pics of his family/friends. Fordius tried convince us that he knew Ramsey would be a good buy after 3 wank weeks of no assists/goals and says that he would never sell him. We'll be keeping an eye on that, Ford. Have I mentioned Bran yet? No? Well Brans a stupid motherfucker.
Welcome to FF Week #4:
Hypest hype - Downing Syndrome: A good week [or fantastic for Danwell] by most peoples standards, Moorely was sorely disappointed with his points return this week. It's just not good enough for a player of his calibre. A bad day at the hospital for the Doctor. He had set up his side to take all the spoils as usual when he was deceived. Yes, decieved. For the Doctor was undone by the Professor. Walcott, a regular in Moorelys team was injured and Wenger refused to disclose this information until the last minute, costing Moorely vital points and a transfer. Earnt 48 points.
Overall ranking: B Wenger ranking: F
Towel head - ForzaDreamTeam: Judging by the loud honking, the waving of a Turkish flag out of his car window and the cries of Allah Akbar into the early hours of the morning, we can only assume Fordius was pleased with his team this week. A fantastic week for Fordius saw him over take Osi to claim joint first with Moorely. His persistance with Ramsey continued lucking out. An injury to RvP meant the points earnt could have been potentially more. Or less. I don't know. Whatever. Earnt 67 points.
Overall ranking: B
David Mk.II - Poo LFC - I agree with the team name. Liverpool are shit. Besides this, who the fuck is Paul? No, really. Who is he? Earnt 61 points.
Overall ranking: B-
Wrist cutter - Frimponged - Ozil. Earnt 61 points. -4 for making 2 transfers.
Overall ranking: B-
Wrist ache - Cardigan Clippers - Jenna's coming into her own these days. She's blossoming as a woman, like a fine wine [or shandy in Osi's case]. She's a breath of fresh air to FF, able to unearth gems and take risks. Her decision to buy Brady [which Reed later copied] was an inspired choice. Rapidly climbing the table, Jenna has already over taken David [who?] and is now only 1 point behind the beleagured Danwell having started a week later. She's very much the dark horse of the competition. Earnt 56 points.
Overall ranking: C+
Ginger pubes - Pants on Fire: What's more startling than Hanky's continued existence and sheer determination to live is his ability to plan and coherently outline his FF methodology. Many [myself included] laughed when Hanky explained how he was going to sell RvP [who had scored the week before] and trade him in at the turn of the week. Little did we know, Hanky had Nostradamus-like foresight. While many selected RvP for their own teams, Hanky carefully predicted he would get an injury and so swapped him for Rooney [who in turn, scored]. Majestic. Earnt 56 points.
Overall ranking: C+
Gary Barlow - Surreal Madrid: Captain Giroud stopped scoring, Benteke injured, RvP out, half of his team having 2 points each or fewer. Yet despite all this, Reedle managed to fluke his way out of a tight spot when Brady/Ozil/Toure earnt 34 points between them. Reedle now rises to 6th, slap bang in the middle of the table. Can he join the big boys at the top? Like fuck he can. I expect to see him back down fighting it out with Danwelll and Bran week. Earnt 48 points
Overall ranking: C
Rolf Harris - Australia's Finest: If this is the best that Australia has to offer, then he may aswell go home. Benton's selection of Giroud as captain backfired when vice captain Ozil went on to have a stormer instead. Hernandez and Walcott were both injured and their replacements played poorly. His Liverpool core underperformed. He didn't make fun of Bran enough. Bentons now falling off the pace and losing sight of the league leaders. Earnt 45 points.
Overall ranking: C-
The Lithuanian - Penguins: I don't even.. Rimjob has got Mignolet but benched him in favour of Jaaskelainen, who he made vice captain and he's left Toure [the highest points earner for a midfielder] on the bench. Giroud was captain and underperformed. Benteke got injured. And despite all this still managed to beat several people and nearly caught a few more. Wat. Imagine if Rimjob engaged his brain. Earnt 44 points.
Overall ranking: C-
Who are ya? Who are ya? - bran sucks: David is in the micronesian league. In the micronesian league he's ranked 90th. There's 96 players in the micronesian league altogether. I think that says it all. Earnt 43 points.
Overall ranking: C-
The Philosopher - Waste of Space: Let's leave you with a couple of quotes from last week:
Moorely: Methinks he's going to
be acting a bit more serious now he's earnt a decent score. Cue Branbragging
until he slumps to another 30 point total and slinks off into the background
[16/09/2013 21:59:26] Coxy: thats me on 60 points [16/09/2013 21:59:29] Coxy: whats everyone on [16/09/2013 22:00:21] Coxy: del 39 LOL [16/09/2013 22:00:23] Coxy: average
This week: earnt 36 points.
Overall ranking: D. As in, do one you window licker.
Desperate Dan - Multiple Scorgasms: If VU was a shoe, I would probably be the laces. I tie everything together and keep it in order. Danwell? Danwell wouldn't be the sole. Nor the tongue. He wouldn't even be the heel. He wouldn't be any part of the shoe for that matter. He would be the shit, the shit that I begrudgingly tred on and try wipe off. He stinks this place out Danwell is beneath us and an embarrassment to our footballing community. Yet to break the 44 point barrier, Danwell is currently on suicide watch and threatening to quit FF daily. We may have a TV-ratings battle on our hands if his FM thread kicks off. Earnt 34 points.
Take a seat, friends. I have some ba... I have some news.
We have our first casaualty of the war. The first to fall by the wayside, the first to feel the heat, the first to succumb to the pressure of being a manager in the Dumbdumb league. It's difficult keeping pace with the success train [I'm driving it], but even more so when you're languishing near the bottom of the league fighting it out with Danwell and David. Every decision analysed, every transfer criticised. It was tough being Bran. More so after he bragged each week how his players were going to pull it out of the hat or how he was beating X player. While you could say the wounds were self inflicted: the final pull of the trigger was his own, you can't help but feel a tad sympathetic towards Bran. Arguably the damage was caused at birth and remarkably, our hero trundled on through life making a success story that Hollywood would marvel at. Retard is born, passes GCSEs, gets a job at McDonalds, buys shares, says a lot of stupid shit along the way then commits virtual suicide by repeatedly firing paintballs at his face until he falls unconcious. Think Forrest Gump but stupider.
I asked a number of respected individuals from Dumbdumb chan to stand up here today and eulogise Bran. To tell us their favourite Bran moment. Their favourite Bran quote. Their favourite Bran trait. They all struggled [of those who could be bothered]. In fairness to Hanky, he couldn't remember who Bran was. So I scrapped the idea altogether. So I'll do the rites.
*Dr Moorely clears his throat*
Bran might not have been the brightest tool in the box [likely a hammer: blunt, unsophisticated and its head used to bang against walls], but he served FF well. He was a source of light entertainment and a figure of ridicule. "I've got AIDs", one would say. "Well, at least you're not Bran" would reply another and all would erupt into hearty laughter. You see, no matter how bad you could be at FF, you could always find solace in the thought that you're a better human being than Bran and were likely to have accrued more points than him in the week. Bran might not be a great loss to our community, but his presence will be missed by some: chiefly Danwell and David, who now stare blankly into the formerly Bran-filled abyss. Bran, we raise our hands to you. Not in salute, but so as to point out to you on the McDonalds menu board above which meal deal we would like.
Bran Final points tally: 194. Average P/W: 38 points per week. Overall ranking: F, as in, I'm glad you finally fucked off.
Later than usual, but I don't give a fuck. When you're nestling in as many norks as I am, you don't have time to write FF updates.
This week in Dumbdumb chan: Moorely sent saucy texts to Katey Stirling, she was most impressed. Interest in Danwell's FM thread steadily grew. Bran "Bran'ed" the place out when he revisited the "Gaddafi was good" argument. I wish Bran was Libyan. Benton got angry at Bran for unrelated reasons [albeit Bran's stupidity featured prominently]. Hanky bought GTA 2 or 3, he wasn't sure which. But he found it hilarious. Osi gave trolling a go. He ended up looking stupid when he insisted Moorely had the hots for Jenna [in all seriousness Jenna, suck me off]. Reedle talked about winking at guys [who he called hot] and giving young girls boat rides.
Who are ya? - POOLFC: Still no fucking clue who he is. No skype = no bants. Earnt 67 points.
Overall ranking: A
Brick nipples - Cardigan Clippers: Jenna has arguably established herself as the best female FFer in Dumbdumb chan now. Her Brady selection continues to reap dividends. Her detractors may argue her selections are pot luck and randomized, but little do they know Jenna actually watched a football match on Monday: 1 more than Reed/David have watched in years. Earnt 61 points.
Overall ranking: A-
HERO - Penguins: Great success! A hero has been born! Rimjob earnt a bumper FF score this week, to national acclaim. Interviews and documentaries quickly followed. Statues were erected, straw buildings named in his honour and newborns after him. Paparazzi with easels and paintbrushes chased him on his horse and dung cart down mud tracks in high speed pursuits. In the "Great Lithuanian exist of all time" poll, Rimjob came first ahead of a blind man with a peg leg and a talking dog. President Butkevicius even made September the 30th a national holiday, "Rimjob day". Earnt 61 points.
Overall ranking: A-
Tommy Vercetti - Pants on Fire: If you trawl the internet you will probably find thousands of games that Hanky has signed up to, forgotten about and left to play on auto pilot. FF is such a case. I tried remind him to login a few days ago, but upon mentioning "fantasy football" to him he closed his eyes, screwed his face up and spent the next 5 minutes sporadically blurting out "goal!" Forgetting how to make a transfer and unable to figure out how to change his formation, Hanky will find [if he renenbers to log in] himself outscoring Reedle and Danwell this week."Goal!". Earnt 58 points.
Overall ranking: B
PSY - bran sucks: With Brans [un?]fortunate demise, we've needed a new village idiot to step up to the plate. And David has delivered. In between posting shitty K-Pop videos and making a move on my girl, David has made the fatal mistake of Branbragging. Being ahead of Danwell is like finishing first in the final of the 10 meters special olympics. You can talk when you're 2nd behind me David. Actually, I'd prefer it if you didn't talk at all. Still ranked 90/96 in the Micronesian league. Earnt 58 points.
Overall ranking: B
Jimmy Saville - Surreal Madrid: My sides are aching.
Sunday, Reedle is 13 points ahead of Moorely with 1 game to go:
Josh Reedle: I see your lack of variety isn't paying off lately Josh Reedle: I'm catching u m8, as is Benton, as is Jenna and we're reeling u in Josh Reedle: I trust in my ability, hence why I'm catching u Josh Reedle: let's look at the stats m8, I've caught you up 6 points in 3 weeks Josh Reedle: don't mad m8 cos I'm catching u Josh Reedle: Swifty's guide to staying above Wilber, sign everyone he has Josh Reedle: De Gea - 1 pts v McGregor - 9 pts. Carrick - 1 pt v Brady - 11 pts Josh Reedle: m8, it's a marathon, not a sprint
Monday, Reedle finishes 12 points behind Moorely.
Josh Reedle: Fuck off Josh Reedle. For. Fucks. Sake. Changes are needed if I'm to catch you. Josh Reedle: Unless Lukaku scores 3 own goals and gets a red, I doubt it Josh Reedle: Sigh, I'm hella bitter.
Earnt 52 points.
Overall ranking: C
Kraut - Visual Utopia Rocker: New comer. Probably Bran on a second account. No Skype = No bants. Earnt 50 points.
Overall ranking: C
Not fast, not furious - ForzaDreamTeam: The Turkish bubble has well and truly popped. His tires have gone flat. The Turkish flag flies at half mast. His voice is hoarse. Ford is back to selling dodgy kebabs and trying to flog plastic watches to tourists. A 48 points total isn't bad for our post-Bane Batman, but what is was his decision to make 7 transfers at the cost of 24 points this week, especially when he had a wildcard available. Ford has gone from joint first to 4th in only 7 days. "Haha, oh well :)". Earnt 48 points.
Overall ranking: C-
Aston Merrygold - Australia's Finest: Benton has been quiet this week [save the odd Bran bash] and it's easy to see why. For the third week in a row he's been unable to break through the 50 point barrier. With injuries to Agger, Hernandez and Redmond he was forced to play with 10 men this week once Welbeck didn't feature [I could have predicted this, please consult the connossieur in the future]. It didn't help that his subs only scored 2 points between them, too. Still, FF scores don't matter when you're as big a success story as Benton is. Earnt 47 points.
Overall ranking: C-
Memememe - Frimponged: Osi led Abydos once, didn't you know? I think they beat LGC or something. You wouldn't know this, because he never mentions it. Ever. Memememe spent the entire weekend moping about, carving My Chemical Romance lyrics into his arms [unfortunately he missed an artery], reminding us that he had only scored 8 points. Lukaku and Remy saved him the blushes when they earnt almost 2/3 of his final points tally on the final match day between them. Sounds strangely familiar. Earnt 39 points.
Overall ranking: D
Basement dweller - Multiple Scorgasms - Somebody put him out of his misery. I can't bear watching him like this. For the second week running Danwell is at rock bottom. Back to living with his mam, his missus enjoying flirtacious texts from the Doctor and to top it off a FF score Bran would laugh at. With two of his subs out on loan [Lingard scoring 4 goals on his debut!] and the final one yet to play a minute so far this season, Danwell couldn't afford to make any mistakes. And he did. Evra wasn't picked forcing him to play with 10 men and none of his 4 remaining defenders earnt more than 2 points each. Another bad week and Hanky will over take him. That's a scary thought. Earnt 37 points.
