| Jokes I |
What does a fish say when it hits a wall?
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hahahahaaha i laughed for a whole 3 seconds with that one
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Why did the chiken cross the road??
To get to the other side
Why did the rat cross the road??
Because it was stapled to the chiken's back
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i laughed harder after i read jibbly's post then the whole lot of these jokes...
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PUSSY VS BEER
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
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If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
That is not a draw. If you get fired thats the end of it. You get hit for sexual harrassment you lose your job plus you have to go to court where you will lose tons of money. Clearly Beer is superior in that instance.
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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the c*beep*veral miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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what does the star trek voyager and the toilet paper industry have in common?
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hahahaha,but i endorse star trek voyager :(
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they both fly around ur anus and fight cling-ons.
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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poor male flies.....all they wanted was some beer...
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LOL, nice joke i heard it was all over the internet.
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued :-
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman!
Why can't Ray Charles read?
Because he's black!
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here's a jokes
A man says to his wife get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing.
Wife says I don't want to go fishing.
Man gives the wife 3 choices.
Fishing, blow job or take it up the ass.
Wife picks blow job. after sucking for a while she says this tastes like sht.
Man says i know the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
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An aboriginal came home from school and said "mum i have the biggest c0ck in grade 3, it's 3 inches is that because i'm black?" no you fckwit, it's because you're 19!
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you like fck dumb a is who person retarted another to it send now, this read trying time fcking your took you. (now read it backwards)
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Story by a Man standing in a queue at a supermarket.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in a supermarket and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
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There are two functions walking down a road.
On the horizon, they see a differential operator walking towards them.
The fir*beep*nction turns to the other: "Let's run, if that differential
operator sees us, I've had it - I'm only the constant function"
The second one replies "Don't worry, just multiply yourself by me, you'll be fine - I'm e^x, and I'm my own differential"
The fir*beep*nction complies, and the newly formed product carries on down the road.
Time passes.
They reach the differential operator.
The function says to the operator "You don't scare me, I'm c*e^x".
And the operator replies: "I'm d/dy".
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The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a man asked the Director what
standard they used to determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the man. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
You want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
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1. Pat Glenn, weight-lifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself
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