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Jokes V
23:44:22 Mar 20th 06 - Viceroy Bourne:

thought it would be nice to start a thread for some jokes since the riddles are turrning into math and i hate math :P. this is a favorite of mine:

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

courtsy of ebaums world


00:32:57 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Xiax:

nice.. lol...

and its not math... thought i should contribute as well for making people turn off from the riddles thread....

Three men are hunting in the forest when a bear suddenly comes out of nowhere and mauls on of then, the bear gets away and one guy calls the hospital on his cellphone. The doctor says to the guy to make sure the guy's friend is dead, and he hears a gunshot, the guy replys, "yeah, hes dead."


00:38:07 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

lol, love the first one!!! 


00:50:52 Mar 21st 06 - Admiral Krum:

I love that joke Bourne Laugh My Ass Off Dancing Banana 

 

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."  Nipe ya!


00:57:05 Mar 21st 06 - Mr. Katsumoto:

This is my fav..

   A pregnant women walks into a bank, and a bank robbery takes place. in the commosion she is shot 3 times in the belly. She is rushed off to the hospital and an imediate opperation. The women wakes up and the doctor informs her that there are 3 bullets inside each of her triplets, but they WILL be perfectly healthy and the bullets will leave the body naturally.

  5 months later the women gives birth to 3 healthy babies, 2 girls and a boy.

15 years later, the women hears a cry and her 1st daughter runs downstairs with tears in her eyes.. "mummy, mummy, i was having a wee and this popped out!! what is it?"   So the mother sits her daughter down and tells her about when she was shot and that she well be perfectly fine and its the same with her brother and sister.

Next day, the mother hears another cry..as her other daughter runs downstairs. "mummy mummy..."  so she sits her down and tells her the story.

Nest day the mother hears a louder deeper cry as her son comes running down the stairs with utter shock on his face "mummy mummy something terribles happened!!!..... "ahh were you having a wee and a bullet popped out?" interupts the mother....    "no i was having a wank and i shot the dog!!!!!!"


00:57:48 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

lol!  (Took a few minutes to figure out this one!)


01:00:48 Mar 21st 06 - Mr. Katsumoto:

which 1? cus i read the beaver 1 twice 2 figure tht 1 lol


01:02:36 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

the beaver one, I am kind of ditzy. ;)


01:03:48 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

ROFL at that one Katsumoto!


01:06:47 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Bourne:

lol thats pretty sweet katsu


01:12:28 Mar 21st 06 - Mr. Katsumoto:

:D


01:13:34 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Xiax:

Aww... you guys didn't like my first one? Well, when you fail, try again!

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out camping one night, and in the middle of the night Holmes wakes up.

"Watson," he says, "look up, what do you see?"

Watson, being a bit sleepy, looks up and says, "Well sir, I see the sky and the stars".

"Well, what can you conclude from that?" Holmes asks.

"Well," Watson replies, "when I look up at the sky and see all those stars I wonder about all the possiblities in life and how all those shiny stars could have been put up on to that big sky..." Watson continues on about the metaphorical and metaphysical ramifications of life.

After a while, a exasperated Holmes stops him. "No Watson you *beep*, our tents been stolen!"


01:26:19 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Bourne:

lol i like it better than your first one


01:29:04 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Xiax:

thanks :D


03:25:50 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

Yeah, I like that one better than the first one too.  The first one I have heard so many times with different twists, such as it is a blonde joke, or t is a redhead joke.

 


03:26:01 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

or a redneck joke


03:43:44 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Xiax:

ahh... i see... lol.. i've only heard it once... :(


03:56:46 Mar 21st 06 - Lord Method:

Liked your joke Krum!

So this young couple just got married a few months ago. Obviously a few months have passed and the man cannot for the life of him get his newly wed wife to orgasm.

They've tried videos, toys, books, and even meditation and still that woman will not orgasm.

So they take off to see a "Sexual Therapist" and after telling their story, the therapist advises them to do the following.

"The next time you 2 have sex, stop by an escort service and pick yourselves up a young, strong, handsome, sexy, built man and take him home with you. And while you 2 are having sex, have the man stand over top of you and wave a towel in the air. The breeze will cause a stimulation to the woman and may result in an orgasm"

So the couple leave and decide they're going to have sex that night so they stop by and pick themselves up a young stallion of a man to take home with them.

All 3 arrive at the house and all 3 get naked. The wife lays down as the husband mounts her and the young man stands over them both flapping that towel up and down to create a breeze. After several minutes the woman still hasnt orgasmed.

So the husband, in desperate attempt, tells the young man to get down here and bone his wife while the husband stands up flapping the towel.

30 seconds later...heat at the climax, BAM the woman breaks out in this earth shattering orgasm from hell.

The husband, proud and smiling, looks over at the young man and says "NOW THATS HOW YOU WAVE A TOWEL BY-GOD!"


04:08:44 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Arien:

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That takes the cake right there!  Have any more?


04:12:33 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Fizban:

We used to tell the triplets one in grade school Katsu, but I liked Krum's. Method's is good too.

My contribution:

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."


04:18:58 Mar 21st 06 - Lord Method:

I have more alright but they might not be suited for everyone...

This one shouldn't be too much:

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between
her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."


04:29:57 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Xiax:

LOL... so nice and dirty... guess i'll try my luck with a more family friendly joke.. :)

A Chemical Research Facility caught on fire in a rural area. Firefighters and firetrucks came from all the towns nearby to try to stop the fire. The Firefighters, try as they might could not stopt the fire, the chemical company getting anxious even put up a reward for the recovery of their prized secret documents.

Just then along the road, came the 406 Senior's Volunteer Firefighters, driving their rickety old firetruck, the 8 odd oldsters drove right into the fire. Leaping out they started fighting the fire and within the hour, had it quelled, they even managed to save the secret documents.

A news reporter interciewing the 68 year-old fire cheif asked, "What were you guys thinking when you drove so recklessly into the heart of the flame and saved the day?"

"Well, the fire chief replied, "I don't know about the rest of my team but I was wondering why the hell the brakes weren't working!"


04:38:48 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Roxbury:

I only know two jokes, and I've been telling them enough so that everyone in #mafia is tired of them by now =) Thought I'd share..


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."


04:45:24 Mar 21st 06 - Mr. Aeneas:

that was so good I can't stop laughing


04:46:31 Mar 21st 06 - Lord Method:

I have a non-dirty one:

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so he's on her level, and

asks:

Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a

quiet voice:

"I don't fink my python really gives a thit!"


08:42:29 Mar 21st 06 - Viceroy Drakos:

I have a new MP3/CD player in my car that works on voice recognition. If you say Classic Rock it plays Led Zeppelin. If you say Blues it plays B.B. King.......

 Unfortunately I was driving down the road the other day and some kids ran in front of me, I slammed on the brakes and shouted "F-ing kids".......now it only plays Michael Jackson.


15:12:35 Mar 21st 06 - Admiral Krum:

LOL Drakos!!! Mikey jokes...gotta love em.

Here's one of my fav Bush jokes:

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


22:54:52 Mar 21st 06 - Sir Xiax:

LOL... making fun of the president is always funny... :)


01:56:30 Mar 22nd 06 - Mr. Malkav:

my uncle used to work at the pickle factory. he was pretty good at it, he knew all the different types of pickles, from sandwich pickles to lime pickles (those are my favorite). but one day he came home from work and told my aunt that he had had a strong urge to put his "unit" in the pickle slicer at work. she thought he was joking at first, and then realized that he was serious, so she catered to him, hoping that he was only having some kind of strange nervous breakdown. well, all was well for about a week until he came home and said that he had had that strong urge to put his "unit" in the pickle slicer again. this time he said he got fired because he had actually done it. horrified, she looked down to gauge how injured he was but found nothing. he looked surprised and said that he was fine, but he felt bad for the pickle slicer.

she was curious, so she asked what had happened to the pickle slicer.

he said that she got fired, too.


02:44:24 Mar 22nd 06 - Viceroy Bourne:

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."


02:46:29 Mar 22nd 06 - Viceroy Bourne:

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."


03:56:49 Mar 22nd 06 - Viceroy Drakos:

The Hypnotist was working his magic on the crowd at the local church supper one evening. "Now concentrate on my watch as it swings and listen to my voice as you drift into another state" he said in a soothing voice.

 Sure enough,  most of the crowd fell under his power, "You will now do whatever I command" he told the crowd.

"Bark", the crowd barked, "Laugh", everyone laughed, "Sneeze", a chorus of sneezes burst out.  As he issued these commands he set his watch down on the dinner table, but in doing this his elbow hit and spilled a glass of water and without thinking he exclaimed "*beep*".....

 


03:58:32 Mar 22nd 06 - Viceroy Drakos:

*sigh*   stupid censor. You can all use your imagination for that one. :P


04:06:58 Mar 22nd 06 - Sage Bill Thomas Killman:

so there's two couples, john and jane smith, and jack and jane smith. each wife goes into the doctor's office and one jane has AIDS and the other has alzheimer's. the doctor explained to jack and john that the records of their wives were mixed up and there was no way to know for sure which wife had which disease. "but how do i find out which?" they asked. "well," the doctor replied "drop your wife off at the edge of town. if she finds her way home, don't *beep* her"


08:31:32 Mar 22nd 06 - Viceroy Arien:

Okay, I have to throw one in, but chances are, most have already heard it before.

A woman was helping her husnabd set up a password on an account on the internet.

As the dialog box opens for the password to be slected, he looks at his wife in a rather amourous mood, and types in penIs, and hits enter.

He looked to see her reaction, and was confused when she started to laugh hysterically.  He looked at the computer screen and saw an error message, password too small.


08:32:06 Mar 22nd 06 - Viceroy Arien:

Sorry, kind of raunchy I know, but it makes a great laugh! :)


11:18:35 Mar 22nd 06 - Sir Civilisator:

good one arien!

Haven't heard any of these before actually, please keep on posting.


17:04:45 Mar 22nd 06 - King Azaruc:

One day a man returns from his work, and his wife asks him to repair the door. He says: "Sorry, I can't do that, I'm not a carpenter" A few days later, when the man returns from his work again, his wife asks him to repair the tap. The man says: "Sorry, but I'm not a plumber".
Then one day, when he comes home, he notices that the door is repaired, and the tap isn't leaking anymore. His wife says: "Our neighbour repaired them. I could pay him by baking a cake, or by *beep*ing him." The man says: "so you baked a nice cake for him?" The woman replies: "Of course not, I'm not a baker..."


05:06:27 Mar 23rd 06 - Queen Melania:

rofl!  that ought to teach him to pick up a how-to book! ;)


06:02:42 Mar 23rd 06 - Queen Melania:

Here we go.  My contribution.

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. 

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 
 
On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


06:36:25 Mar 23rd 06 - Viceroy Arien:

I have one to top that, but I will not post it.  Anyone interested in hearing, just let me know. :0


07:11:44 Mar 23rd 06 - Sir Chef Boyardee:

A rich man and his wife are served dinner by their personal chef. "You know, if you learned how to cook, we could save a fortune," the husband says to his wife. "True, darling," she replies. "And if you learned how to screw, we could fire the chauffeur, too."


13:03:04 Mar 23rd 06 - Viceroy Jeroen:

World cup Final!

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the
biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup
Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to
take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."


17:44:02 Mar 23rd 06 - Viceroy Roxbury:


07:47:03 Mar 27th 06 - Queen Melania:

Someone messaged me this one, and I thought I would share it since they did not want to. :) 

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the %$#@!. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother."


07:49:37 Mar 27th 06 - Viceroy Arien:

yeah, that kind of sums us redheads up, real attitude.


01:38:55 Apr 6th 06 - Sir Clamps:

One time superman broke up with Lois Lane and he was a single man again. He decided he'd have more in common with a super-hero lady, so decided to ask the other super heroes to set him up. After asking around the consensus was that wonderwoman was the best lady in the sack of all the super hero women. She didn't much like him though and he was rejected. He was talking to the Flash about it and got some good advice:
"Man, just between you and me.... You're super fast like me, try this; you could just find her changing or in the shower or something, and show up, have your way with her, and be gone before she ever even realised you were there!"
"Wow, what a great idea!", said superman. So one day he was flying over a field and to his suprise saw wonderwoman naked on the ground with her legs up in the air.
"Well its now or never", he thought, and down he went. In a flash he was down, had his way with her, and was totally gone before anyone knew what happened. Just then wonderwoman said to the invisible man "So baby, was it good for you?" and he responded "Yeah, but man my butt is really sore for some reason."


01:54:58 Apr 6th 06 - Viceroy Lebowski:

OH SNAP!


02:03:01 Apr 6th 06 - Queen Arien:

roflmao!


02:09:36 Apr 6th 06 - Sir Clamps:

Hey, that's what you get for sexual assault.... manly bum.


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