Forums / The hangaround / Jokes V

thought it would be nice to start a thread for some jokes since the riddles are turrning into math and i hate math :P. this is a favorite of mine:

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

courtsy of ebaums world

lol, love the first one!!! 

This is my fav..

   A pregnant women walks into a bank, and a bank robbery takes place. in the commosion she is shot 3 times in the belly. She is rushed off to the hospital and an imediate opperation. The women wakes up and the doctor informs her that there are 3 bullets inside each of her triplets, but they WILL be perfectly healthy and the bullets will leave the body naturally.

  5 months later the women gives birth to 3 healthy babies, 2 girls and a boy.

15 years later, the women hears a cry and her 1st daughter runs downstairs with tears in her eyes.. "mummy, mummy, i was having a wee and this popped out!! what is it?"   So the mother sits her daughter down and tells her about when she was shot and that she well be perfectly fine and its the same with her brother and sister.

Next day, the mother hears another cry..as her other daughter runs downstairs. "mummy mummy..."  so she sits her down and tells her the story.

Nest day the mother hears a louder deeper cry as her son comes running down the stairs with utter shock on his face "mummy mummy something terribles happened!!!..... "ahh were you having a wee and a bullet popped out?" interupts the mother....    "no i was having a wank and i shot the dog!!!!!!"

which 1? cus i read the beaver 1 twice 2 figure tht 1 lol

ROFL at that one Katsumoto!

:D

lol i like it better than your first one

Yeah, I like that one better than the first one too.  The first one I have heard so many times with different twists, such as it is a blonde joke, or t is a redhead joke.

ahh... i see... lol.. i've only heard it once... :(

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That takes the cake right there!  Have any more?

I have more alright but they might not be suited for everyone...

This one shouldn't be too much:

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between
her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

I only know two jokes, and I've been telling them enough so that everyone in #mafia is tired of them by now =) Thought I'd share..


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

I have a non-dirty one:

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so he's on her level, and

asks:

Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a

quiet voice:

"I don't fink my python really gives a thit!"

LOL Drakos!!! Mikey jokes...gotta love em.

Here's one of my fav Bush jokes:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

my uncle used to work at the pickle factory. he was pretty good at it, he knew all the different types of pickles, from sandwich pickles to lime pickles (those are my favorite). but one day he came home from work and told my aunt that he had had a strong urge to put his "unit" in the pickle slicer at work. she thought he was joking at first, and then realized that he was serious, so she catered to him, hoping that he was only having some kind of strange nervous breakdown. well, all was well for about a week until he came home and said that he had had that strong urge to put his "unit" in the pickle slicer again. this time he said he got fired because he had actually done it. horrified, she looked down to gauge how injured he was but found nothing. he looked surprised and said that he was fine, but he felt bad for the pickle slicer.

she was curious, so she asked what had happened to the pickle slicer.

he said that she got fired, too.

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

*sigh*   stupid censor. You can all use your imagination for that one. :P

Okay, I have to throw one in, but chances are, most have already heard it before.

A woman was helping her husnabd set up a password on an account on the internet.

As the dialog box opens for the password to be slected, he looks at his wife in a rather amourous mood, and types in penIs, and hits enter.

He looked to see her reaction, and was confused when she started to laugh hysterically.  He looked at the computer screen and saw an error message, password too small.

good one arien!

Haven't heard any of these before actually, please keep on posting.

rofl!  that ought to teach him to pick up a how-to book! ;)

I have one to top that, but I will not post it.  Anyone interested in hearing, just let me know. :0

World cup Final!

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the
biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup
Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to
take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Someone messaged me this one, and I thought I would share it since they did not want to. :) 

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the %$#@!. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother."

One time superman broke up with Lois Lane and he was a single man again. He decided he'd have more in common with a super-hero lady, so decided to ask the other super heroes to set him up. After asking around the consensus was that wonderwoman was the best lady in the sack of all the super hero women. She didn't much like him though and he was rejected. He was talking to the Flash about it and got some good advice:
"Man, just between you and me.... You're super fast like me, try this; you could just find her changing or in the shower or something, and show up, have your way with her, and be gone before she ever even realised you were there!"
"Wow, what a great idea!", said superman. So one day he was flying over a field and to his suprise saw wonderwoman naked on the ground with her legs up in the air.
"Well its now or never", he thought, and down he went. In a flash he was down, had his way with her, and was totally gone before anyone knew what happened. Just then wonderwoman said to the invisible man "So baby, was it good for you?" and he responded "Yeah, but man my butt is really sore for some reason."

roflmao!