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whose katey stirling?

The points earned today from Day 1/Week 6 are:


1st - Downing Syndrome - Moorely - 43 points
3rd - Frimponged - Osi - 42 points
2nd - POOLFC - Paul - 38 points
7th - bran sucks - David - 35 points
9th - Multiple Scorgasms - Danwell - 30 points
5th - Australia's Finest - Benton - 27 points
10th - Pants on Fire - Hanky - 18 points
8th - Cardigan Clippers - Jenna - 16 points
12th - Visual Utopia Rocker - Probably Bran - 14 points
11th - Penguins - Rimjob - 13 points
6th - Surreal Madrid - Reed-  13 points
4th - ForzaDreamTeam - Ford - 8 points




Day 2 still to come so all can change with the remaining 4 fixtures.  And let's be honest, we don't want it to.

That..is..really..unfortunate..as..it..is..highly..annoying..to..read..:D

This week in Dumbdumb chan: Bran left Dumbdumb chan in a rage. We tried re-inviting him for giggles. Osi also left, but nobody gave a shit. He spent a couple days on his own before being reinvited and then he proceeded to pretend he hadn't noticed [despite having talked to us for over 12 hours in the meantime].VU almost reached breaking point as interest in Danwells FM thread steadily grew, accounting for over 95% of the sites bandwidth. We would later come to learn it was actually Reedle and his reedle.net that caused this with his constant disconnects and restarts. Smallfries [pretending to be a black man] joined Dumbdumb chan for the second time and insisted on removing the final letter of every word. We thought David was being ironic when he tried the same, but we later realised he was just plain stupid. Moorely gave a bunch of waving 8 year olds the middle finger one day, then saved a school girl from the prying eyes of a paedophile the next. That's still 4 less split personalities than Hanky has. Xtian joined FF and begged Reedle for pics of fat ballerinas. Jenna admitted to cheating in BEO. I wish she cheated on me.

Welcome to FF Week #6:

Bus wanker - Downing Syndrome: It was an unusually low scoring week right across the FF spectrum, with an average score of only 36 and a high of 93. In any case, Moorely still kicked the metaphorical shit out of everybody. Captain Sturridge steered H.M.S. Moorely to success with an impressive 18 points, passing a rudderless S.S. Reedle on the way. High seas etiquette stipulates that you should save the women and children first in a disaster situation, but Reedle can fuck off.  Earnt 49 points. Fun fact: Moorely's lowest points score so far from any week is 48. For Reedle that is a high.

Overall ranking: A*

Gormless gooner - Frimponged: Osi was the benefactor once again of some suspect substitutions. Opting for a midfield trio of Fellaini, Ben Arfa and Ozil, the mong found himself with only 3 points from the 3 before Fellaini wasn't selected and was replaced with Rosenior to push him over the 50 points threshold. Remy is now one goal short of his seasons best with QPR and is proving to a decent buy. Moorely still think's he’s shit though. Earnt 52 points -8 because of transfers. Fun fact: Osiris led Abydos and it beat LGC once. Bet you didn't know this.

Overall ranking: A

Who are ya? - POOLFC: Still no fucking clue who he is. No skype = no bants. Earnt 48 points. Fun fact: he has no fun facts.

Overall ranking: A

My Chemical Bromance - 2 Goals 1 Cup: S.S. Reedle's sinking was initially blamed on saboteurs until a red faced Commodore Christian nervously explained he was trying to slit his wrists with a butter knife before he slipped and plunged it into Reedle's rubber dinghy. Welcome, friend. Xtian recently joined FF and proved you don't need to have any football knowledge [see also: Jenna, David, Smal.."Token"] to beat Reedle. Earnt 43 points. Fun fact: Xtian has the worst music taste known to mankind. I mean that sincerely. He is to music as Ray Charles was to sight.

Overall ranking: B

Pinky, no Brain - bran sucks: David misunderstood the whole naval metaphor entirely. While everybody else turned up in their finest admiral suits, David whirled in yelling "vroooom" with arms outstretched and a deployed parachute dragging along the floor behind him. He has a tasty looking strikeforce of Sturridge/Giroud/Suarez at his disposal and they accounted for over half his points this week. Going up one place, he's now ranked 89/96 in the prestigious Micronesian league. Earnt 43 points. Fun fact: is in all probability related to TBL.

Overall ranking: B

The Lollabies - Australia's Finest: Benton took the whole naval thing a bit too far and Health and Safety had to get involved when he proclaimed he was Captain James Hook, the Australasian explorer. Granted, his costume was uncanny and his depiction accurate, but the beating and chasing of little black boys with sticks proved a bit risqué in the end. Earn 41 points -4 for transfers. Fun fact: became a self-made millionaire at the age of 13 and can most definitely afford to buy his entire family Diablo 3.

Overall ranking: B-

Multiple points - Multiple Scorgasms: What a different a week makes, mates. For 5 weeks Danwell has been sinking in a sea of despair, clinging onto Katey's blow-hole for dear life. That was until Master's mate Moorely held out a hand and pulled him on board [try as we may, we couldn't get Katey's leg over. RIP]. The change is remarkable. So much more bold, confident and dare I say it, funny. Danwell has gone from zero to hero in a little under a week by ditching his FF team and copying mine. Earnt 39 points. Fun fact: bought a house next to his parents, got burgled, still lives with parents.

Overall ranking: B-

Kraut - Visual Utopia Rocker: Probably Bran on a second account. No skype = no bants. Earnt 38 points. Fun fact: he has no fun facts.

Overall ranking: B-

Forum banned - TokensTeam: There are irrefutable truths in life. The north is poor, Moorely is the connoisseur and black men can't swim. Which brings us nicely onto Smallfri.. sorry, "Token". After nearly  drowning in the shallow end of his local swimming pool and being banned from posting on VU by Danwell, "Token" took up a new hobby: FF.  He hasn't half courted controversy while hes been here. Among his starting 11 are 3 black players, 3 Yids and John Terry. He doesn't half know football either. Boruc, Oscar and Giroud all on the bench. Earnt 37 points. Fun fact: Tyler made a better James Bond.

Overall ranking: B-

J.D. and Turk - ForzaDreamTeam: Ford and swimming. Let's not go there. The Somali pirate actually has a very good team on paper so it's quite a surprise to see him featuring so low down the table this week, especially when you consider he spent a shed load of points last week to buy it. Oscar was his only player to get a good total, while McGregor would have earnt an impressive 8 had he selected him instead of Mignolet. Ranked joint 1st only a few weeks ago, Ford is now having to look over his shoulder as Benton and Re..only joking. Only Benton is reeling him in. Earnt 34 points. Fun fact: Ford supports every major football team under the sun except for United.

Overall ranking: C

Baywatch - Cardigan clippers: Moorely and Jenna tried re-enact the famous Titanic scene where Jack held Rose over the bow of the ship this week. "I'm flying", Jenna gasped. Well, she would be in any minute now. Bored, Moorely eventually let go and Jenna plummeted to the icy depths. Jenna got into a bit of a muddle this week with Brady injured. She didn't replace him so Walker was brought in automatically in his place and only earnt 1 point. Had she chosen Nolan, he would have earnt a respectable 6. Earnt 34 points. Fun fact: Reedle hates Jenna.

Overall ranking: C

Postman Pat - Pants on Fire:  How greedily this wave approaches, as if it were after something! How it crawls with terrifying haste into the innermost nooks of this labyrinthine cliff! It seems that something of value, high value, must be hidden there.- And now it comes back, a little more slowly but still quite white with excitement; is it disappointing? Has it found what it looked for? Does it pretend to be disappointed? Has it found what it looked for? Does it pretend to be disappointed?- but already another wave is approaching, still more greedily and savagely than the first, and its soul, too, seems to be full of secrets and the lust to dig up treasures. Thus live waves- thus live we who will- more I shall not say. Earnt 32 points. Fun fact: if you stand very still and say nothing for a short amount of time Hanky will think you've turned into a statue and walk off.

Overall ranking: C-

Exiled - Penguins: Rimjob has brought national shame on Lithuania. The statues have been torn down, the straw buildings burnt, the new-borns dashed against walls. Basically, Lithuania looks slightly shitter than it already was. The only thing that hasn't changed is the paparazzi's desire to chase him down mud tracks in Diana-like chases. Nobody wants Rimjob now. In an effort to blend into the general populace, he donned a Mr Potato Head mask, took a shit on some rags, put them on and wandered around aimlessly. Poor Rimjob's like a penguin at the wrong pole. Earnt 29 points. Fun fact: Rimjob has a better education than Bran and better internet than Reedle.

Overall ranking: D

Steamboat Willie - Surreal Madrid: The navy always appealed to a young Reedle. Access to clean water, an escape from Hull, fishy smells and of course, rampant homosexuality. Joining at a tender age, Reedle took NVQs on the side and rose in rank to eventually command his own ship. S.S. Reedle had a decent crew [Giroud, Rooney, Yaya, Ozil] at its disposal but they were poorly led [a bit like LGC without Moorely]. A bitter Reedle ate all the lemons which led to widespread scurvy amongst the crew. Brady got seasick, McGregor became angry after being overlooked and eventually they all mutinied, forcing captain Reedle to walk the plank. "Ouch", cried Bran. "What you walking on me for?" Earnt 23 points. Fun fact: Reedle loves the women. They just don't love him.

Overall ranking: U

International football break now. So no update for a couple weeks or some shit. This makes me happy.

Asians

This week in Dumbdumb chan: Valar joined the chan, there was a 13.7% increase in homosexuality. Hanky received £2,000 in free shares from Royal Mail. He thinks. He doesn't know. He didn't check. Moorely considered the possibility that Piers Morgan might have kidnapped Madeleine McCann. Hanky added to the debate by suggesting that she may never have existed. Danwell received money from his grandads house. Rev MK.II? He's still waiting for the day where he can load up the removal van at his mums house, wave farewell, drive 10 yards, unload and settle into his new home. Fordius paid his annual visit to the chan. Haha, oh well :). Reedle revealed he urinates in the shower and bragged how he made rape jokes to Sarah and chased her down an alleywy. She found it hilare. Cobra bragged about how Romania is the most advanced Romania in the world. Benton returned to Dumbdumb. There was much..uh. Ye. Benton returned to Dumbdumb.



Welcome to FF Week #7:


Mo Farah - Downing Syndrome: I was going to make an analogy comparing my FF performances to long distance running until I realised all good marathon runners were black men. Shame that. Don't get me wrong, I love the Mo-bot, it's a corker of a celebration. But the nearest I've come to being black is driving down the M62 with my head out the window getting smog and soot all over me. The locals didn't find it funny when I rolled into Hull looking like a golliwog. I didn't find it funny either when they threw stones and chased me out of town with crowbars and racial epithets. "I'm not a mudman" I cried. I couldn't understand what they garbled in reply. Captan Lukaku backfired for Moorely this week while Ramsey, Ozil and Giroud all peformed. Earnt 55 points.

Overall ranking: A*


Andy Pipkin - ForzaDreamTeam: One look at Fordius and you might disregard him as little more than a wheelchair bound Abu Hamza. But looks are deceiving. For beneath the burqa, behind the hook and through his veins throb the vigour and energy of 5 sloths. One cannot ever close their eyes when in the presence of Fordius for he is a Weeping Angel waiting to pounce. We only discovered this for ourselves the other day when we gathered round to check the FF scores and upon seeing Jenna climb above Reedle, I blinkwinked and everybody else fluttered their eyelashes rapidly in disbelief. During those milliseconds of total darkness Fordius managed to leap out of his wheelchair, do the conga several times, create and abandon several VU KDs and return to his chair before anybody noticed. 30 points from Ozil propelled Fordius back up to third and in contention for the "2nd, behind Moorely" award. Earnt 83 points.

Overall ranking: A+


Delia Smith - Cardigan Clippers: Inspired. I don't know how she does it. While many looked to Brady's return from injury as an easy points source, Jenna threw a curveball. Fordius spammed the chat with laughing smileys, Hanky hurt himself in confusion and Reedle had a distorted look on his face [in fairness he wasn't horrified, he's just ugly]. Anticipating a poor Brady performance she dropped the highly rated midfielder and brought in an unknown [not to Moorely, but to everybody else] Lallana, who went on to earn 10 points while Brady only managed 2. Fair play. Next week: Jenna will sell Lallana and buy Sidwell, Reedle will sell Brady and buy Lallana. Earnt 82 points.

Overall ranking: A+

Kraut - Visual Utopia Rocker: Probably Bran on a second account. No Skype = no bants. Earnt 80 points.

Overall ranking: A+

The Padawan - Multiple Scorgasms: Annus Mirabilis. 2013. A memorable year. A year in which the U.S. came close to defaulting. A year where one Pope resigned and another was elected. A year where Moorely talked to girls.  A year where Rail fares have increased on average by 4.3%. And most importantly, the year in which Danwell finally gained more than 50 points in a FF week. Hark at that. To mark the momentous occasion, Danwell held a house party. I say a house party, you could say there were two seeing as he lives next door to his mum anyway. Food was laid on, Katey ate most of it. A DJ was hired, Xtian was a poor choice. Osi got wasted on Alco pops and Hanky still managed to get high even after he forgot to bring the hash. Still, good times. 20 points from Suarez, 15 from Ozil and a smattering elsewhere helped Danwell reach his personal best. Earnt 66 points.

A delighted Danwell dancing

Overall ranking: A-


Ivan Gashitililiiliov - Leeroy Jenkins: . No Skype = no bants. Earnt 64 points.

Overall ranking: A-


Scrote strangler - Surreal Madrid: Like Danwell, Reedle also threw a party to celebrate getting more points than Moorely this week. His invitation list was huge. When I say huge, you probably think there were many names on the list. You would be mistaken. The list wasn't large, but the girls waistlines were. Rotund, thunderous thighs and pig nosed, even Sarah and the ballerina turned Reedle to go grind Drooler instead. So Reedle sat solemnly at home and watched the Voice instead. Still counts as a party though, right? Aluko gave him an undeserved extra 5 points after Zabaleta wasn't picked for City while my Zabaleta wasn't replaced by anybody from my  bench. Fuck sake. I'm not bitter, just better.  Earnt 62 points.

Overall ranking: A-


Who are ya? - POOLFC: Still no fucking clue who he is. No Skype = no bants. Earnt 61 points.

Overall ranking: A-


Intradesting - Australia's Finest: When you're a self-made millionaire at the tender age of 13, time and money mean very little to you. Likewise, he means very little to us. The jet setting Benton spent all week sitting smugly and self-satisfied like a man who had just discovered a 2-for-1 offer on talcum powder down at ASDA, waiting to break the news to us. And when he finally did brag in Dumbdumb chan that he went to 5 A league games this week to watch the illustrious Sydney Seagulls, Canberra Crewmen, Brisbane Beavers, Adelaide Anvils, Perth Platypus' and a plethora of other teams, nobody gave a shit. I mean nobody, mates. You could hear a pin-drop. There were literally no fucks to give. There was such little interest in Bentons story that we quickly started asking Osi about Abydos and how he beat LGC once. Benton's choice of captain, like Moorely, was poor this week and earnt him little. He played with 10 men after Zabaleta and Enrique [really?] weren't selected. Earnt 57 points.

Overall ranking: B+


Post[er] boy for stupidity - Pants on Fire: Hanky is too busy to play FF. He's come to realise there's more to life than playing computer games. He's fighting the good cause now. What the cause is, he can't say. But he's fighting it alright,  thrashing away in a straight jacket, garbling incoherently about the illuminati. Hanky has been planning all week for the upcoming royal mail strike. he hasn't quite figured out what he's supposed to be protesting against yet though. so he's cobbled together a few placards and banners in the meantime to cover all bases: "Your mail for sale", "Boycott me", "Can I have some shares pls? I fucked up.",  "Fuck off blackies". He hasn't made any transfers in almost a month now, his team is running on auto pilot and he's still getting a decent score. Wat.  Earnt 57 points.

Overall ranking: B+


Osimong - Frimponged: Osi is being demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Largely because he's butthurt and can't handle banter, but also because nobody can be bothered to reinvite him. Earnt 57 points.

Overall ranking: B+


"Update pls Moorely" - Penguins: A teary eyed Rimjob took me to one side this week. "I need to make changes Moorely" he mumbled. "I need your help, Dr." I looked him up and down, nodded and sighed. "That you do mate. That you do. You're a fucking mess you slack-jawed, spunk stained shit shoveller. Look at you. Lithuania? What the fuck has Lithuania ever done for us? When you type Lithuanian inventions into wikipedia it only returns two results: the Vilnius photometric system and Ritinis. Seriously? Do you even lift?". Turned out he was talking about FF. Oh. Rimjob made 3 transfers this week, bringing in Sturridge, Barkley and some asian. Ramsey, Ozil and Sturridge = points, blabla. Earnt 55 points.

Overall ranking: B


david sucks - bran sucks: David called this a bad week. I call David a bad bell, mates. Despite not being impressed with his points, it was his 2nd highest tally ever. Perhaps he's playing devils advocate or reverse psychology here. Hey, let me give it a try. Bran, you're really smart and should most definitely stay alive. Osi, you're really interesting. Ford, you're in peak physical condition. Hank.. fuck it. The consequences are too grave in meddling with his mind. David has now moved up to 86/96th in the Micronesian league. On closer inspection, it seems those below and above him in the table haven't logged in since the first week of FF. For his sake we hope they don't log in any time soon. We also wouldn't mind if he chose not to log in any time soon, either. Sturridge, Suarez, Ramsey, points, blablabla. Earnt 50 points.


Overall ranking: B-


0 girls, 0 cups - 2 Girls 1 Cup: Xtian is being demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Largely because he's probably lying in a mortuary and can't handle knives, but also because he’s a faggot. Earnt 48 points.

Overall ranking: C


Voyeur - TokensTeam: Fries is being demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Because he's black.

Overall ranking: C

This week in dumbdumb chat: Very bloody little. Hence why Moorely has temporarily passed on the reigns to me. Hence why this week's post is so belated. Xtian stopped in for his annual visit. Reedle nearly won £8 on a bet that Tom Huddlestone would score. He didn't. Fordius argued with Swifty :) About why he :) Hadn't posted :) The :) Update :) Yet. A Romanian was taught what a Supermarket is, several debates over which Supermarket is the best Supermarket (Asda > Tesco's > 1Stop). Wilber broke alot of hearts in a Strip Club.



Here's your week's belated and beloved update. Week #8.

The Highlander - POOLFC: There can only be one (winner) and in an occurance more shocking than the great Victoria Pendleton not winning Strictly, the #1 position has changed. Some might suspect he has now absorbed the power of his fallen foe, the connoisseur. He has proven you don't even need to log into Fantasy Football to be the one true champion. All I know is, no skype = no bants.
Suarez as captain earned him 34 points alone, elsewhere an average performance. Luckily for him, the game automatically made 3 subs for him.
Part of the Ahead of Moorely Crew.

86 points - A*, for Swifty is seeing stars.


Christopher Reeve - ForzaDreamTeam: Some might call Fordius lazy for using a mobility scooter. This week he bit (their ankles) back by a show of force only rivaled by the 11th of September. He interrupted his dreams of no queues and wheelchair access on the Rubber Dinghy Rapids and researching bipedal chairs this week by having a collective 10 minute stint on Skype, in which he complained several times at the lack of FF update.
All of his players earnt him a fair amount, barring a disappointing week for Barkley and Paulinho. His continued faith in Southampton's strength in defence means he has 3 of their players at the back and with a strong showing from Suarez he was standing (metaphorically, of course) up there with the giants of the week. You know, I had a Turkish Delight milkshake today, it was significantly the most interesting Turkish thing I've seen these past few days...In other words, you're boring Ford.
Part of the Potentially Ahead of Moorely Crew.

73 points - A.



OneStop for Points (Shame he doesn't stop there often) - Multiple Scorgasms: You could say Danwell lost all respect when he committed e-seppuku and had to resort to asking another FF'er (albeit not the winning one) for aid, but after admitting his swimmers weren't swimming so well a while ago, it's hard to believe he had any respect. You have to question whether Danwell and Katey are performing the deed correctly. I hope Katey hasn't heard semen is a source of protein. Perhaps if Fantasy Football was based on the 4th tier, he might stand more of a chance.
His choice of players this week was alot like his average post in the FF chan, not a joke. However, for the most part (like the average joke he posts every month) they were all duds. Suarez as captain earned him more than 1/2 of his weeks points.

66 points - B.

Don't have faith in Swifty, Danwell.



Fairy - Frimponged: Osi, in a act of insolence pranced out of FF chan in recent days and has yet to be heard of or seen since. Considering he had a decent week, he's expected back any day now. Suarez as captain earned him more than 1/2 his weeks points. It has been said shandy fueled parties in the south have increased by nearly 0.5% this week in his celebratory binge.
Part of the Potentially Ahead of Moorely crew.

65 points - B


Prozac - 2 Goals 1 Cup: Xtian hasn't been on FF or Skype for a long time, and for good reason. Not only because he's shit, but he's not been able to afford his electric bill after his business fell heavily into debt and defaulted. This week however, he managed to find a rare 5 minutes where the debt collectors weren't outside his door, and quickly turn the lights on and login to his chat to his beloved (and only) friends, the only true friends he can trust. A set of friends who merely mock him, not like his old friends who poked his girlfriend (his alive one). He brought with him, the fantastic stories of his lacking social life. The highlight of his month-long hiatus from Skype was a story about how he stole some knives from Greggs or something. He'd like to blame long working hours for no life, but alas, serving his daily average of two customers does not take that long, even if they are old men.
Sturridge, Giroud and Rooney upfront seemed to work for him, As he earned more than 1/2 his points between them.

65 points - B.



Nicolas Cage - Bran Sucks: While nobody doubts David's statement in his team name, everyone doubted he had taken his medication this week when he fell into Skype and hit his face on the keyboard uttering "I think I should just copy Jenna's team." Babies cried, his Asian mail order wives swooned at the idea and Hanky grimaced when he overheard Davey say it, while delivering another mail order package. Or perhaps he was just pretending to be Asian in hopes of fitting in finally?
Despite Davey's complaints, he had his strongest week this week, with a splattering of points everywhere. With only Zabaleta, Mignolet and Barkley letting him down. You cannot help but wonder how much less he'd be complaining about captains, if he had chosen Suarez as captain, and not vice captain?

64 points - B


The White Haile Gebrselassie - Surreal Madrid: What is there to say about such a great man? I think my favourite trait is the resiliance. When Mudman kicked him into the mud (thus almost becoming another Mudman) he took it. Knowing that what Moorely was doing to him would soon backfire, and it has. In a fantastic fashion. As a celebration, Reedle doned his Testicle Trappers and hit the town, only to be stood up by his one true love. Not to worry though, always more Asda girls.
Generally a decent performance, with the majority of the defence performing, and a decent set of points from the Strikers.
Part of the Soon to be Ahead of Moorely Crew.

62 points - B* (right?)


Kerry Katona - Cardigan Clippers: This week, Jenna took back her rightful place as being under Reedle. Coincidentally, this is where she wishes to be in real life too. Some might call Jenna lucky, some might say she merely auto-picked her squad, then swapping bad points scoring players for players who had received alot of points in previous weeks. But not Reedle, he didn't suspect that. He knew for a fact Jenna had tried to watch football once this year, but understandably it was too boring or something. So all the haters and disbelievers can back off.
Jenna seemingly made two changes this week, swapping Southampton defender Clyne for Southampton defender Lovren and as a result, received 1 more point for her troubles. Small victories add up. Her second transfer was swapping the seasoned West Ham Midfielder, Kevin Nolan out for a younger and more handsome Jordan Mutch, either would of bagged 3 points. Now that I mention it, I look upon her first 11 and I cannot help but wonder whether she has chosen some of her players based on looks (Lovren and Toure the exceptions of course). It's what happens when you invite a woman to play a mans game I suppose. Her points were also bumped up due to a diabolical decision by the Referee in the Tottenham v Hull City AFC The Tigers match, in which Spurs were given an unfair and highly dubious penalty. As a result, Reedle very nearly sent a strongly worded email to the Ref, and Jenna received up to 6 points, equalling the Great Reedle's tally.
Part of the Soon to be Ahead of Moorely Crew.

62 points - B, for Bullshit.



Idris Elba - TokensTeam: No skype = no bants, Fries.
Luckily, the game made 3 automatic subs for him. Siggurdsson, captain? Wat?

60 points - C.


Brixton girl in the shadows - Visual Utopia Rocker: Who are ye'? No skype = no bants.

57 points - D.


Ivan The Terrible Skyper - Leeroy Jenkins: No skype = no bants.
It seems 3/4s of Ivan's points came from his strikeforce this week.

56 points - D.


Overlord Marius Žaliūkas - Penguins: A recent poll slightly favoured Marius Žaliūkas over Rimtatu (whatever) as greatest living Lithuanian. Great disappointment and shame fell on the Jankus family, his Mother was rushed into the nearest Red Cross tent when she heard of his disasterous week.
No skype = no bants.

53 points - E, for make some fucking effort.


Postman (socio)Pat(h) - Pants on Fire: With no sighting of Pooley for days, it was highly likely Pooley was dead. It was merely the way of death everybody tried to predict. Some wondered if he'd borrowed one of Xtian's knives and tried to drain himself of the nanotechnology clearly imbedded in his bloodstream. Perhaps he performed open brain surgery and thus become wheely good buddies with Fordius. Or perhaps he was buried under several tonnes of undelivered post. Danwell nearly cared enough to send out a search party, until Pooley shyed (like a rabbit) into the Skype chan and asked everyone if they wanted to join his new KD.
I'm sure if Pooley's brain was still on this planet, he would be distraught at yet another awful week. That being said, he has done worse on only 2 occasions. That counts for something, right?

51 points - F.


Australia's Only - Australia's Finest: If it weren't for Suarez, self-made millionaire Benton would likely of been forced to pay a massive bribe to persuade them to give him more points this week. Then again, it wasn't Benton's fault, he couldn't make any changes this week as he had travelled 800km to go to Sydney's major club strip with Harry Kewell, to get wasted and laid. Unfortunately for Benton, he forgot to tell Mummy and Daddy, and as such, three days later his Nanny came to look for him, and when she couldn't find him, alerted the Police. Some would have you believe Benton isn't infact, a millionaire, some (Swifty) would say he doesn't even have a job, but everyone else knows he is a tester at a supermarket. So what? Millionaire mate.
In addition to his Thelma and Louise-esque trip, he sat patiently waiting, refreshing his VU page in hopes Swifty would post his FF update. He did after some gentle grooming, and oh boy did Benton rejoice. He cracked open one of Mummy's Chateau Margaux 2009's and accidently spilled it on one of their Rembrandt's. Not to worry though, they have spares.
Elsewhere, Lovren earned 7 and Ramsey, Ozil and Giroud took 6 points each.

51 points - F.


Derice Bannock - Downing Syndrome: Well well well, what do we have here? Who is this sitting unprettily at the bottom of this weeks results? Is it the connoisseur? My friend, you do not know how smug I (and I'm sure the rest of the Fantasy Footballers, and the rest of VU) feel right now. Mr Moorely spent most of his week doing his best Malcolm in the Middle character impersonations to girls he wanted to impress. He didn't impress. He didn't do much else to be quite truthful. He dreamt about giving mouth to mouth to a girl, but she instead asked her how he keeps the men in his life satisfied. Not only did the S.S. Reedle surpass the HMS Moorely, so too did (Tom) Hanky's wooden raft. WILLLLBERSOOON, Hanky was heard to scream. It was too late for Moorely though, he had sprung a leak.
More than half his pitiful amount of points this week, came from his strikers.

50 points = U, as in, yoU contemplated suicide?


Moorely meets a new girl (except at work, not school):

Back by popular demand and to critical acclaim, it's your One Stop shop for FF news, views and abuse: Dr. J "Bigdong" Moorely. Thanks for stepping in and uh..you know, writing the FF posts for the thread that you actually created, Reedle. Good to know we can rely on you to step in and cover for people who had been covering for you. Looks like you made your post on time as well. By on time, I mean 1 day before the new FF week was to begin. Well fucking done. Reedle always delivers.




The points earned today from Day 1/Week 9 are:


7th - Cardigan Clippers - Jenna - 64 points
8th - Leeroy Jenkings - Chade 63 points
4th - Frimponged - Osi - 58 points
12th - Penguins - Rimjob - 51 points
5th - Australia's Finest - Benton - 48 points
6th - Surreal Madrid - Reed -  45 points
2nd - Downing Syndrome - Moorely - 44 points
14th - 2 Girls 1 Cup - Xtian - 43 points
10th - Multiple Scorgasms - Danwell - 40 points
11th - Pants on Fire - Hanky - 36 points
3rd - ForzaDreamTeam - Ford -  34 points
9th - bran sucks - David - 33 points
13th - Visual Utopia Rocker - Probably Bran - 33 points
15th - Tokens Team - Fries, pretending not to be Fries - 26 points
1st - POOLFC - Paul - 24 points



Day 2 still to come so all can change with the remaining 2 fixtures.  And let's be honest, we don't want it to.

hahahhahah

Osimong - Frimponged: Demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. I'm typing this through clenched teeth. Fuck Osi's great escape #2. Fuck his subs. Fuck Aguero.* Earnt 69 points.

mate its what you call great transfer strategy. Suarez scores tons of points! sweet next game against arsenal? hmm transfer his ass outta there! oh look city vs nub team im sure aguero will do fine ^^

Some of us just have a gift for FF :D its ok maybe ill teach you someday

pls...

The points earned today from Day 1/Week 10 are:


1st - LUIS FUCKING SUAREZ - 71 points
3rd - Frimponged - Osi - 43 points
5th - Cardigan Clippers - Jenna - 41 points
13th - Visual Utopia Rocker - Probably Bran - 40 points
9th - bran sucks - David - 38 points
4th - ForzaDreamTeam - Ford -  37 points
7th - Australia's Finest - Benton - 37 points
10th - Multiple Scorgasms - Danwell - 26 points
12th - Penguins - Rimjob - 26 points
2nd - Downing Syndrome - Moorely - 21 points
14th - 2 Girls 1 Cup - Xtian - 18 points
6th - Surreal Madrid - Reed - 20 points
8th - Leeroy Jenkings - Chade 11 points
11th - Pants on Fire - Hanky - 11 points
15th - Tokens Team - Fries, pretending not to be Fries - 11 points




Day 2 still to come so all can change with the remaining 4 fixtures.  And let's be honest, we want it to. BECAUSE IF FUCKING LUIS SUAREZ DECIDES ANOTHER WEEK WITH HIS CAPTAIN FUCKINGBULLSHIT IM GOING TO RIP MY FUCKING HAIR OUT. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUKC FUCK.



Fuck off Suarez.

 shame i didn't have suarez as captain :(

This week in Dumbdumb chan: Moorely found himself being stalked on his way home by some lass. It's probably a good thing she didn't try anything, as Moorely can easily beat up a woman.  Hanky also insisted he was stalked this week until we theorised it was probably his shadow doing the following. Legend continued moping about how everything is pointless. He also fell out with Val in LGC's #379th internal dispute of the week. Chade said some shit. I skipped it lads. Danwell told 4~ legitimate jokes this week. People laughed. He probably googled them. Benton continued arguing with everybody. He excitedly reported his grandfather wasn't a convict, just a mudmen hater. Thank god for that.  Hanky returned to Dumbdumb saying he couldn't login to VU. He probably forgot his password. And username. Or even who he is, for that matter. Jenna asked Moorely to stop praising her in the Fant thread because she didn't want the BEO players to realise she's doing all the work. And Reedle? LOL. I don't even know where to begin here mates. The long and short of it: Reedle loves girl. Girl loves hot chocolate and twixes. Reedle spends £100 on girl. Girl gets fingerbanged by arch rival cockblocker shelf stacker extraordinaire instead. Cue Reedle tears, friendzone and awful music taste.

Welcome to FF Week #11:


Dr Who - Downing Syndrome: Moorely sits back smugly in his chair, puffing away on a cigar. He tries puff out a giant cock with the fumes, but quickly gives up after accepting it'll be too difficult to spell out "Bran" with smoke. Reedle, his foot stool, sobs quietly to himself while "The Winner Takes It All" by ABBA blasts all around them on the sound system. Moorely is back, bitches. A fantastic week saw the Dr. rake in the points with Sturridge, Lukaku and Aguero all scoring. P.S. fuck off Suarez. Earnt 71 points.

Overall ranking: A*

Danwell.net - Multiple Scorgasms: It hasn't been easy being Danwell. He has for a long time been in two shadows. Metaphorically Moorely’s: because he's a far inferior player. Physically Kateys: because she's fucking huge. It gives me great pride to see Danwell transform from a humourless, skillless, penniless scrub with a shit team to a humourless, skilless, penniless scrub with a team I suggested to him. All in all a fantastic week for him. Only 3 players earnt 3 points or less, while Giroud, Suarez and Remy all accrued huge scores. Watch out mid table, Danwells-a-coming. Earnt 74 points.

Overall ranking: A

Bitchtits - Cardigan clippers: When Jenna isn't busy leading the most successful KD of all time or lifting her skirt to the Doctor, she plays FF. And she's bloody good at it too. Like BEO she understands that in order to have a strong campaign you need a strong economy at the back of it. While most of the other challengers for the "2nd, behind Moorely" title have earnt £2m~ or so since we've started, Jenna has earnt a whopping £6.9m. This enables her to buy the very best, which is what she did this week when she bought Suarez to partner Aguero, Yaya, Ramsey and Oscar. Fuck me. No, really. Please do. Earnt 67 points

Overall ranking: B

Ned Kelly - Australia's Finest: Take nothing away from Benton. Except maybe his computer if his parents ground him. Or his house, because he's a imposter and there's no way he bought that himself. Or his homeland for that matter, because his forefathers were convicts and thieves. But aside all that, take nothing away from him. His 4 transfers were pretty poor this week bar the inclusion of Aguero who along with Giroud and Suarez fired Benton up the ta..oh. He didn't move. Earnt 65 points.

Overall ranking: B

0 girls, 0 cups - Xtian: Demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Legit sad that Lostprophets have disbanded. Earnt 65 points.

Overall ranking: B

Cba - bran sucks: It's difficult to discuss David or his team objectively, because I don't give a shit about him lads. I've attempted this post 3 times now and each time I've become distracted or daydreamed. On the third attempt I actually fell asleep and woke 30 minutes later with a huge red keyboard imprint on my forehead. Luckily my hair wasn't affected. I'll tell you who is more interesting than David. His namesake: David Blaine. David is one cool motherfucker. He's so cool he can disappear into thin air. Unfortunately, ours can't. Davids defenders earnt a combined 0 points this week, while Aguero/Suarez/Sturridge earnt 45 (or 73% of his total points haul). Earnt 61 points.

Overall ranking: B-

Osimong - Frimponged: Demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Earnt 60 points.

Overall ranking: B-

Who are ya? - POOLFC: Demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Earnt 58 points.

Overall ranking: B-

In the [friend]zone - Surreal Madrid: Give Reedle a chocolate bar and he'll feed Sarah for a tea break. Show him how to make chocolate and he'll feed her for a lifetime. None of this matters though as she'll never love him; only his naivety and wallet. The lovefool earnt 55 points this week. 41 (74%, didn't even need to ask you to maths this for me mate) of them came from Aguero and Giroud. Comparatively, his 3 defenders earnt -1 combined. With 4 players injured, Reedle will have to make changes next week if he's to keep within touching distance of Jenna. I'd love to touch Jenna. He'd love to touch Sarah. Neither are likely to happen. Que Sarah, Sarah. Earnt 55 points.

Overall ranking: C

Lost and not found - Pants on Fire: Hanky was so angry this week that he struggled to finish his paper round. He was popping a paper though a letterbox when he happened to glance upon the headline: "Rock paedophile confesses." He read on. As it turns out (cover your eyes Xtian), the Lostprophets front man was a serial paedophile and attempted to rape babies. Pretty sickening, huh? Hanky was unperturbed. But when he read that the singer also blew meth in a babies face, he flew into a rage. "What the fuck is the world coming to?" he ranted as an elderly woman opened the door. "What sort of bad bell wastes meth like that?" No point discussing Hankys team. He's too busy trying to remember to breathe. Earnt 55 points.

Overall ranking: C

Serial smiler - ForzaDreamTeam: You know when Ford's onto a winner in FF because he says excitedly and repeatedly in Dumbdumb that he isn't. This week he wasn't onto a winner, because we didn't hear anything from him. "You won the lottery huh Turkleton? Makes you a millionaire now? Well done" "Haha yeh but next week I won't be :)))". Such lovable self-deprecation. Bran also belittles himself, but with good reason. He's a moron. Ford has gone very top heavy with his team now. Aguero, Yaya, Suarez, Sturridge, Ozil and Ramsey in attack at a huge cost. Dawson, Shaw and Davies in defence for peanuts. No surprise then that his attack excelled and his defence did wank. Earnt 54 points.

Overall ranking: C

Kraut - Visual Utopia Rocker: Probably Bran on a second account. Demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. I fucking hate Bran. Earnt 51 points.

Overall ranking: C-

Loluthania - Penguins: Demoted to the no Skype = no bants. Probably covered in a field, covered in shit. Earnt 46 points.

Overall ranking: D

Illigal Immigrant - Leeroy Jenkings: Chade embodies many of the characteristics of the Dumbdumb regulars. Like a shit Frankensteins monster, he's made up of our disused (see: Fords legs) parts.  He has the pent up anger of a Benton, perpetually red-faced and shitting bricks. The intelligence of a Bran, doing and saying mind-bogglingly stupid shit. The ethnicity of a Cobra,  a shit Eastern European mudblood. The personality of a David, saying irreverent shit nobody cares about. And finally he has the love life of Reedl...oh, nvm. I think he has a partner. 4 of Chades starting 11 didn't play. All 3 of his subs didn't play. 4 of his players are injured. And somehow, somehow, he managed to get 43 points. 22 of them coming from Rooney. Wat. Earnt 43 points.

Overall ranking: D-

Voyeur - TokensTeam: Demoted to the no Skype = no bants bench. Earnt 25 points.

Overall ranking: U

Wonder why the FF posts stopped :D no reason to hang around forum if i can get no lulz :(

You wouldn't need to wonder Osi if you were still in Dumbdumb chan. I said there in late november that there would be no more FF updates (unless Chade wanted to write them) as we'd all be moving onto FM and that would take our time up instead.