| Jokes V |
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Polos.He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My
God!!!! They're *beep*-holes!!"
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oh i get it... i think good i see but ive got a question whats a polo
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Sorry, maybe not an international joke, a polo is a mint with a hole, can come in fruit flavours.
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There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease....... and HE'S the son-of-a-*beep* who ran over my FROG!"
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A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,
so the barman gave her one!
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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This is a heavenly humour joke
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome plaing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly to the same water hazard. It landed in the center of the pond and hovered in it. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball.It headed out over the fence and onto oncoming trafic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the pond. On the way it hit a stone and bounced out over the water lily pad, where it rested quietely. Suddenly, a bull frog jumped on the lily pad and snathed the ball into its mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the the green, the frog squeeled with frightand drooped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said:" I hate playing with your Dad"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every *beep*pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A skeptic once sat under a nut tree and debated with God by himself. He complained that God is a failure because of the structural design. 'Lord', he said,'how is it that you made such a large and sturdy tree to hold such tiny small weightless nuts? And yet you made small tender plants to hold such enormous and weighty watermelons!' As he laughed at his insightful observation at the folly God in creating things inappropiately, a nut fell on his head. After a brief moment, he left and muttered,'Thank God that wasn't a water melon!'
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Question: What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
Answer: He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
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Oxy*beep*s:
1. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Military Intelegence
3. French Resistance
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Three hungry bats are hanging in a cave. Finally, one of them decides he's gotta eat something. He flies out, and returns fifteen minuets later, with blood all over his face. The other two ask, "where did you go?" "you know that herd of deer, about 10 kilometers north of here? Nothing left."
A little time passed, and the second bat decided that he was goning to outeat the first, so he flew out, and returned half an hour later with blood on his face. "Where did you go?" "You know that cattle farm, 20 kilometers north of here? Nothing left"
The third bat decides he's had it, and flie4s out of the cave. He retuns five minuets later with more blood on him than hte other two. "Where'd you go?!?" You know that tree right outside the cave, you see it every night? Didn't see it." (Edited by Mr. Kylej 1/26/2007 2:52:18 AM)
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A chicken and en egg lie in bed, the egg has a content look on its face and is smoking a cigarette. The chicken's arms are crossed and it has a frown on, it says "Well I guess that answers that question."
Hehehe, tell me if you get it :P Don't spoil the answer though
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How many Legacy and Hearts players does it take to eat a donut?
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I'd really love to spoil your joke Arzun :P
I feel so smart that I understood it:))
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lmao if you don't get it then you're to young :P
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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
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Mr. Donut Forgotme
1/26/2007 6:38:27 PM |
How many Legacy and Hearts players does it take to eat a donut? |
1. I've killed all Donut armies I've come across. Your fiancee was just playing with scrap. :-p
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aha, that's an awsome one Klondyke :D
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But I still live, Mr R.
Ps: I may be getting on a bit but what G is playing with ain't scrap. You'll just have to trust me on that one ;)
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I meant she's playing against MY scrap. You'll have to trust me on that too.
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you *beep*! This is her husband!
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Eye Deer
What do you call a deer with no sex organs or eyes?
No *beep*in' Eye Deer
What do you call a deer with no leggs, sex organs, or eyes?
Still No *beep*in' Eye Deer
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How do you insult a canadien?
Call them quebecois.
How do you insult someone from Quebec?
Call them canadien.
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what do you get when u cross an onion with a donkey
a peice of a$$ that'ell bring a tear to ur eye
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Why did V went to starta?
Coz they reSTARTa!
LoL, that has got to be the funniest joke i've heard
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Ummm....no....just...no...
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*Looks at Surgeon General and backs off slowly...*
And Arzun! I'm insulted! It's Canadian not canadien!
Know the way to insult any person living in Canada?
Call 'em an American. ;-)
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This will only be funny for those of you in Britain:
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in Basildon . Vic tims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Vic toria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more alcohol for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No burger for me, thank you.
e) Good evening police officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to wee in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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What do guns and woman have incommon?
Once they have been in your house for a while it gets harder and harder to control the urge to shoot.
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a bit of a racist joke:
how do u confuse a paki?
put his corner shop on a roundabout.
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by the way mr. klondyke england can never have a earthquake as the plates on the earth colide and cause earthquakes and the u.k is on its own plate and no overlaps so we can never have an earthquake unless the plate splits and will be the end of the WORLD (armaggedon)
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Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping. Do not let your other half see this as he may get ideas!
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker assumed
the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
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Hmm, I actually done some of those, or at least variations on them ;-)
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only an old 1 but still funny
what does micheal jackson and a playstation have in common?
they are both made of plastic and get turned on by children
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There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
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Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
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