Forums / The hangaround / Funniest Joke

dont start with the black jks lol

Actual eximprovements between pilots and control towers

**************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

*************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

*************************** There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

****************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

***************************** Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

****************************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

******************************* The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

****************************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every *beep*pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Mental hotline
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

I got a mental one =P


 A guy goes to the mental hospital for an essay he has to write. As he is going around, he notices there are quite a few people there and asks the doctor "How do you tell if they are crazy or not?"
 The doctor replied "We fill up a bathtub with water and offer them a spoon, a bowl, and a bucket and then tell them to empty the bathtub."
The man, thinking he understood the methods said "Oh, I get it, a normal person would empty the bathtub with the bucket because it's the easiest."

 The doctor replied "No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"

Reallies? ZOMG those joke stealers!! Stole my joke before I posted it!! I bet they are aliens.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Do you have POLIO?

................Then how come ur middle leg is so short compared to the other two...?????

ooo i c ;)

OMG stewie that is great.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as “squawks,” submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log details of the solution.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

this is a convo between an f15 and tower

Controller directs fighter jock to new heading, due to traffic. Fighter jock gets all ****y about how ATC is always redirecting them, and never redirecting the traffic. "Why don't you get them out of our way?"

ATC: "Very well...Air Force Two: please turn heading 270 to avoid F-15 traffic."

AF2: "Roger that, and could we hear the call sign on that F-15 again please?"

this is a convo between an f15 and tower

Controller directs fighter jock to new heading, due to traffic. Fighter jock gets all ****y about how ATC is always redirecting them, and never redirecting the traffic. "Why don't you get them out of our way?"

ATC: "Very well...Air Force Two: please turn heading 270 to avoid F-15 traffic."

AF2: "Roger that, and could we hear the call sign on that F-15 again please?"

Problem: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: Something loose in c*ckpit.
Solution: Something tightened in c*ckpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for!

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you’re right.

Problem: No. 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to “Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious.”

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem: Mouse in ****pit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: The autopilot doesn’t.
Solution: It does now.

Problem: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Solution: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Problem: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem: Pilot’s clock inoperative.
Solution: Wound clock.

Problem: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

Problem: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine.
Solution: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in No. 2 engine.

Problem: Whining noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in No. 2 engine.

Problem: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Solution: Ground checks OK.

Problem: 3 roaches in cabin.
Solution: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Problem: Weather radar went ape!
Solution: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

Lol I like that 1 :) took me a while to get it though.

Controller directs fighter jock to new heading, due to traffic. Fighter jock gets all ****y about how ATC is always redirecting them, and never redirecting the traffic. "Why don't you get them out of our way?"

ATC: "Very well...Air Force Two: please turn heading 270 to avoid F-15 traffic."

AF2: "Roger that, and could we hear the call sign on that F-15 again please?"

i dont get this one can someone explain it

One day a pregnant wife announced that she was going to start looking for names for her and her husbands unborn child. When the father had gotten home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that the name was going to be Ophella. The husband (who was quite witty) didn't like the name he said, "That's a good name, it reminds me of this girl I dated in high school." The next day the mother had changed the name to Sarah.

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha damm thats classic penor

i still dont get that one joke

this one:

Controller directs fighter jock to new heading, due to traffic. Fighter jock gets all ****y about how ATC is always redirecting them, and never redirecting the traffic. "Why don't you get them out of our way?"

ATC: "Very well...Air Force Two: please turn heading 270 to avoid F-15 traffic."

AF2: "Roger that, and could we hear the call sign on that F-15 again please?"

oh now i feel dunb but that is funny now that i get it

Haha that took me a while to understand... What if they don't laugh at all? :(

A man is going outside one afternoon to get the mail, and as he's coming back in, he notices a giant mass on top of his roof. He looks closer and notices it is a gorilla. He is doubtful, but looks in the phonebook, and sure enough, finds a gorilla exterminator. He calls the exterminator up and the guy says over the phone he will be there in 30 minutes. 30 minutes later the exterminator arrives in a beat up old truck that has a ladder, and 2 bull mastiffs in the bed. As the exterminator gets out, he decides to ask, "What are the dogs for?". The exterminator replies, "When I get up onto the roof, I am going to try and knock the gorilla off the roof. When I do that, these dogs are specially trained to bite the gorilla's balls to stun it while I get off the roof and get the gorilla in my truck."  The exterminator continues his work, and is setting up the ladder when he mutters to himself, "Oops, forgot somethin'."  He goes back to his truck and pulls out a shotgun, looks in it to make sure there are shells, then gives it to the home owner. The home owner, baffled by this gesture, asks, "Well, you've explained the dogs, but what do I do with this shotgun?" the exterminator replied, "If I fall, shoot the dogs."

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats

Lol. Very well worded, I bet it went around instead of being ignored just cuz of how hilarious and well-written it is. xD

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)