Forums / The hangaround / Bar Jokes I

Come one come all! Bring your bar jokes along with you! good OR bad! We dont care!

Heres one for ya.

Alright, so 2 guys walk into a bar, you would think that one of them would see it.

Another.

A guy walks into a bar and sits up at the counter. The guy bets the bartender a drink that he can bite his eyeball. The bartender says " your on! Thats not possible." So the guy takes out his fake eye and bites it. The bartender replys with "Oh man you got me there, heres your drink." After the guy finishes his drink he bets the bartender again. "I bet you another drink that I can bite my other eyeball." The bartender agrees again thinking that the guy cant have 2 fake eyes cause he saw him walk in here just fine. So the guy takes out his teeth and bites his other eyeball. The bartender gives him a drink in defeat. The guy then takes his drink with him to go chat with another guy in the corner of the bar. When the guy is finished with the second drink, he walks up to the bartender and bets for a third time. "I bet you $100 I can pee into a shot glass from 10 feet away and not spill any." The bartender agrees and sets up the glass. They guy starts to pee but ends up peeing all over the bar. The bartender is happy now but still has to clean up the mess, so he cleans it up with a smile because he won $100. The guy that bet the bartender is also happy so the bartender asks him, "What are you so happy about, you just lost $100 on a stupid bet." The guy replies with "Thats OK, I bet the guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could pee all over the bar and have you clean it up with a smile on your face."

Another one.

A little piggy walks into a bar and asks for a drink of water. The bartender gives it to him. After the piggy is done he asks where the bathroom is. The bartender shows him, so the piggy uses it and leaves. A second piggy comes in the bar and also asks for a glass of water. After finishing the glass the piggy asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points down the hall. The piggy uses it and then leaves. A third piggy enters the bar and asks for a drink of water. The bartender tends to him with the glass of water and the piggy drinks it. After a bit the bartender asks the piggy, "Arnt you gonna asks where the bathroom is?" The piggy replies with "Nah, I go wee wee wee all the way home.

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink and the bartender says,"We don't serve ropes here."
The rope, a little upset leaves the bar. Outside the bar, the rope ties himself into a knot and frays his ends.
Walking back into the bar, the rope orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope I just told to leave?"
The rope replies,"Nope, I'm afraid not."

A guy walks into a bar with a box. He takes a seat at the bar and places the box on the bar top to his left, and orders a drink.

The bartender gets him his drink and asks. "hey buddy, what's in the box?"

"A foot tall guy and his piano", replies the man...

"The bartender laughs, "Yeah right...that's a good one, now really, what's in the box"?

With a serious look the man states, "Really, look...I'll show you".

So the guy reaches into the box and takes out a tiny piano, and this little man, who sits at the piano (on the bar top) and plays a couple of outstanding songs.

"That is amazing", the bartender remarks..."where on earth did you ever find him"?

The man proceeds to tell the bartender that his grandfather had recently passed away, and while cleaning out his attic, he stumbled onto a lamp that was quite dusty. When he started to wipe off some of the dust, a Genie popped out offering to grant him a wish..."and here we are", he says.

The bartender already astonished says, "that is amazing, do you think I could try the lamp"?

"I don't see why not"... replies the man, who packs up the little man and his piano, and heads home to get the lamp.

A short time later the man returns and hands the bartender the lamp, but warns him to be careful because the Genie is a little hard of hearing...

Not caring too much, the bartender snatches up the lamp and gives it a good rub...and sure enough...in a puff a blue smoke, a Genie appears and offers to grant the bartender a single wish.

"That's easy", the bartender shouts out, "I want a million bucks"...

"Granted", says the Genie who then disappears back into his lamp...

A short while later, a duck walks into the bar, followed by another, and another, and another...Pretty soon the entire bar is swarming with ducks, and the aggravated bartender hollers over to the guy, "What's the heck is wrong with that Genie??? what does he think I'm going to do with a million ducks???"

To which the man replies..."tell me about it, what the heck does he think that I'm going to do with a 12 inch pianist???"  :-P

This isn't a bar joke but...

Two aliens land on earth one day and approach a gas pump. The first alien speaks to the gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader."
The second alien says to the first alien, "I think we should talk to someone else, he looks like a BAMF."
Well the first alien was a bit of a hot head and was getting annoyed at the gas pump for ignoring him. The first alien steps closer to the gas pump and demands, "Take me to your leader!"
The second alien, a worried frown on his face, says, "I don't think we should mess with this guy, he looks like a BAMF!"
The first alien, enraged at the gas pump for ignoring him, pulls out his ray gun. Pointing the gun at the gas pump, the first alien threatens, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER OR I'LL SHOOT!!!"
"DON'T DO IT, HE'S A BAMF!!!" ,yells the first alien in response while moving to knock the ray gun's aim away from its current target.

Zzzzzaaappp!

KABOOOM!!!


The aliens land 2 miles away. The first rolled over and asked, "How did you know?"
The second alien said, "ANYONE who can wrap their penis around their body and stick it in their ear is a BAMF!!!"


*BAMF means BAD ASS MOTHER *beep*ER for those who are abbreviation deficient.

you dont know english very well do if sort of killed the joke

HAHAHA! That sounds like me!

so a guy walks into a bar and he has a black eye. he notices another guy at the bar with a black eye and asks him what happened. the guy at the bar says that it was just a slip of the tongue. "I was at the airport and I was pretty tired. When I saw a hot blonde behind the counter I accidentally asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh" the other guy responded, "The same thing happened to me. It was just a slip of the tongue. I tried to ask my wife to pass me the cereal but what came out was 'you ruined my life you stupid b1tch'"