Forums / The hangaround / Spoon

I'm awesome, bow for me.

Q.What do you call a one eyed Stag?

A.No-eye-dear!

Your name made me think of that thin joke..  :P

What do you call a One eye stag masturbating?

No *beep*ing Eye Deer

A man walks into a bar, and says to the barkeeper "hey if I show you something really amazing can I get a free drink." The barkeeper though about this awhile and finally agreed.
The man promptly pulled out of his pocket a mini piano and a frog. to the barkeeper's suprise the frog started to play the piano.
After the man had finished him drink he says to the barkeeper "hey if I show you something even more amazing can I have free drinks for the rest of the night?", the barkeeper agreed thinking that nothing could top a piano playing frog.
Once again the man pulled out the piano and the frog again, but this time he also took out a Rabbit, and to the barkeeper's suprise the Rabbit began to sing along with the frog.
The barkeeper appouched the man with an offer, to buy the singing Rabbit, finally he conceded and for £50,000 the barkeeper bought the Rabbit of the man.

A week later the man when back to the bar, and was immediatly confronted by an angry barkeeper. He exclaimed that he had taken the Rabbit on stage and no matter what he did he couldn't get the Rabbit to sing, then asked if there was some trick to it. To which the man replied.
"Well you see the Rabbit was never that special it's the frog you see, it's a ventrioquist."

A hippie gets on a bus, walks to the seat directly behind the bus driver, where there is a nun sitting. The Hippie looks at the nun and says "Wow, you are like totally hot man, id love to sex with you" The nun jumps up screaming as she runs off of the bus. The hippie sits down, the bus starts moving. Then the bus driver whispers "hey hippie, i know a way you can bang that nun" The hippie leans in closer "How??" "Well..." the busdriver says "i drop her off at the cemetary every day at 3:00 pm sharp, there she prays at the headstone farthest to the back left corner" "How does this help me?" exclaims the hippie. the busdriver explains. "All you gotta do is dress up like God and command her to have sex with you, she has to, You are God, right?" . Excitedly the hippie says "That would work, lemme off this bus" the busdriver pulls over and the hippie runs home to go make his God costume.

The next day, the hippie hides behind some bushes near the headstone, dressed like God, and waits. Sure enough at 3:00 sharp, the bus pulls up and the nun walks off the bus and to the headstone. The nun kneels down and starts to pray. The hippie walks out from behind the bushes with arms spread out and says in a deep voice "I am God, and i command you to have sex with me." the startled nun considers for only a moment and states "Ok, but it has to be in my bum, because i am a nun and must remain a virgin" The hippie quickly agrees, and bends the nun over and does his thing. Once he is done, he jumps back laughing as he tears off his God costume and then roars "HA HA HA, Im the hippie!"  The nun takes off her costume and says "HA HA HA, Im the busdriver!"

Bob's is better! I have a few that I have heard.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.  

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”