| Military Humor |
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AHHHH LOTS OF BOXES WITH RED X'S!!!! GAHHHHHHH SCARY!!!
But seriously...I wish I could see them :(
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Dangit. that POs me. Those were good pictures to and funny
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Upload them to photobucket/picture hosting site first, not from your inbox -.-
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Hoping this works :)
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That was an anti-climax
None of them even made me smile
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Military humor! I get it its an oxymoron! Kinda like military intelligence...and French Resistance :)
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I like the unwashed one tho :P
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The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many
Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to
three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote
on a method of determining each General's early retirement
bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would
choose two points of their body to measure between and then
each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.
They called in the first General. He decide to have
them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his
feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.
The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched
his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the
tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After
measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.
The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked
them to measure from the tip of his mohac to the bottom of
his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.
The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.
The medical officer lifted the General's mohac to make the
measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where
are your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left
them in Vietnam."
^^'
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Delta Force Test
Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.
For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"
The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."
The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."
Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."
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........that pretty much says that the marines are stupid...and aren't you joining the marines? XD
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Charley thats why they call it a joke and yes they say when you join the marines you lose ur brains and when you leave you gain them back. and duh. MARINES KICK ASS!!!!
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Don't you need brains first to lose them? :p How can you gain back what you lack now? :p
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Yes i have a brain and plenty of intelligence but i dont like to use them when im outside of school. Really no point to unless im haing with my gf or friends =)
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Ehh well my comments were jokes as well :p
and wait...we aren't your friends???? :O
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Charley school friends not computer friends. My school friends are *beep*s cuz most do drugs. We even nicknamed one Retard =P
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.....good nickname..... :p
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A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "mohac you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"
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A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
marine finishes first and
washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
says to him: hey, in the
marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
sailor says: yeah well, in
the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
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Khalifa that joke is switched. Its the marine that doesnt wash his hands. I know that joke all to well. NAVY SUCKS!!!!! =P
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The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
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A Taliban Leader is marching his mean through the desert when he comes along a Marine standing on top of a hill. He says "soldier go kill that Marine." Without hesitation the taliban soldier runs over and as he gets there the marine runs over the hill. For a second the Taliban leader herd Gun shots and screams. The marine comes back over the hill and brushes himself off. The Taliban pissed he sends 100 men after him. Again the marine jumps over the hill. Gun shots and explosions are heard along with screams and as fast as it begun it ended. The marine comes back on top of the hill and brushes himself off.
Furious the Taliban leader sends his entire army over the hill. Gun shots, and explosions along with screams come from the otherside of the hill. 1 beaten taliban soldier crawls back over the hill and says "dont send any more over, its a trap theres 2"
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Military Common Sense Rules
A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...
1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)
2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).
3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)
4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)
5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs alway*beep* the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)
6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)
7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)
8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)
9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)
10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)
11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)
12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)
13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)
14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)
15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)
16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe *beep*)
17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)
18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)
19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)
20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)
21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)
22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)
23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)
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The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."
The CO said "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
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The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
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Ghost. your full of Sh*t. Navy is way higher class than Marines... You guys may go in and kill people to die for your country and all that jazz. But why die for your country when you could simply sit on an aircraft carrier hundreds of miles away and send air support?
(My job in the Navy is Air Traffic Controller)
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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Spud patriots talk about dying fo rtheir countries and never KILLING for their country. HOORAH!!!!
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U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.
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Duke Spud
9/15/2008 4:00:18 AM |
Ghost. your full of Sh*t. Navy is way higher class than Marines... You guys may go in and kill people to die for your country and all that jazz. But why die for your country when you could simply sit on an aircraft carrier hundreds of miles away and send air support?
(My job in the Navy is Air Traffic Controller) |
Most of my post says "Die for your country".
Small minded Marine...
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Haha we call the Navy and Air Force DESK WUSSIES because they dont have the balls to pick up a gun and start shooting someone. The only thing they are good for is sending planes to Bomb certain targets. Other then that they are useless. Marines and Army are the ones with balls enough to pick up a gun and shoot at someone. Enough balls to kill for their country not let others do it.
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LOL Spud, everyone knows the USMC is a department of the Navy....
THE MENS DEPARTMENT!
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Thats an understatement ghost :P if your debating on having the mind to kill someone, then the navy and airforce are on the same level as you :P .... what? do you think that those bombs or apaches or cruise missiles or whatever, don't get a single kill when used? :P air force and navy know what will happen when they send these things :P and its the same as what yall do :P the only difference is that they have a less likely of chance of being killed themselves, that is unless they get targeted specifically :P but thats only in real open warfare :P where all military sections of the US military become equal :P (like in WWII :P)
just my two cents :P
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US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
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Duke Salamon
Report
9/14/2008 7:14:16 PM |
Thats an understatement ghost :P if your debating on having the mind to kill someone, then the navy and airforce are on the same level as you :P .... what? do you think that those bombs or apaches or cruise missiles or whatever, don't get a single kill when used? :P air force and navy know what will happen when they send these things :P and its the same as what yall do :P the only difference is that they have a less likely of chance of being killed themselves, that is unless they get targeted specifically :P but thats only in real open warfare :P where all military sections of the US military become equal :P (like in WWII :P)
just my two cents :P
| Im saying the Navy and Air Force dont have the balls to kill someone face to face like the army an marines do. They go back to their bunks sleeping like a baby and the infantry are having nightmares of battles that took place that day or in previous days. Infantry units lose their sanity because of the sh*t they do or see. Air Force or Navy dont know what that is like unless they are in an Air-to-Air battle with 20 enemy planes to 1 but that rarley happens and when it does there isnt just 1 of our planes.
Praetorian Wyzer
Report
9/14/2008 6:47:45 PM |
LOL Spud, everyone knows the USMC is a department of the Navy....
THE MENS DEPARTMENT!
| Ya the generals realized they needed an elite branch of the military so they made the Marines =)
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
@Justin - There ARE the Special Forces and Green Berets....and SEALS
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Seals are the only ones that actually do any face to face killing in the navy branch.The rest sit on their asses waiting to send another plane off to bomb a tank or 2. Force Recon are teh major infantry of Mairnes and Army Airborne well they ALMOST do what Recon does except recon pushes and Aireborne folos. Delta Force well you have to have pretty much no sanity watsoever to do what they do.
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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
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Valentines Day
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that &*%$#@!"
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David has a great vocab for a first grader...usually kids don't learn that word until they reach like....6th grade -_-
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nah i learned that in like the 3rd grade
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heh...well...I say that...Canada has the best military of them all! GO BEAVERS!
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I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
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.....brilliant advice...you could try pushups XD
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BABY BRIGADE
One day I came out my momma's womb
I found myself in a delivery room.
All bloody and wet I rappeled to the floor
I cut the cord and shout, "MARINE CORPS".
I knew right then I was a baby Marine
The meanest little cuss you ever had seen.
Two saftey pins on my shoulders for rank
A Humvee stroller and a tricycle tank.
I had camoflage diapers and flak baby shoes
A butternut sword and baby Dress Blues.
So, I donned my Blues and I cruised through the ward
Saluting all the nurses with my butternut sword.
Then I heard all these babies crying like heck
I kicked in the hatch and yelled, "ATTENTION ON DECK"
I said, "Listen up babies, I'm in command
Crying and wimpering I will not stand"
They said, "Aye Aye, Sir" and I knew I had it made
As Commander-in-Chief of the Baby Brigade.
BIRDY BIRDY
BIRDY BIRDY IN THE SKY
DROPPED A LITTLE WHITE WASH IN MY EYE
I AINT NO SISSY, I WON'T CRY
I'M JUST GLAD THAT COWS DON'T FLY
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