| Jokes V |
|
I've heard most of these but keep them up they are quite funny!
I might add some later.
|
what about...
The americans, after discovering that normal pens don't work in space, invested on a new project, on which they spent 6 years, a few million dollars and lives, to get the ultimate pen, that could write in absence of gravity, temperatures of 600 degrees celsius and even underwater.
In the meanwhile, russians used pencils.
PWN3D!
|
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval
ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct
1995.
Radio conversation released by chief of naval operations 10/10/95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.
Canadians: Negative. you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. the second biggest
ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three
destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that
you change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north,
or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
|
|
even though i heard that a few times before it still makes me laugh, hahaha, sigh good ole americans eh :)
|
Wow, I would like to see the look on that americans face when he heard that:P
|
We're invading Canada next.
|
Can we really? And smother them all in maple syrup!!!
|
i vote we bomb the lighthouse for not moving when we tell them to. set an example so the next lighthouse will move
:P
|
yeah apparently a teacher in britain was arrested. on him they found a
pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of
the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!
I got in trouble at the Canadian border. The guy said "Do you have any
guns or weapons in your vehicle?" and I said "Why? What do you need?"
BashOrg:
<Leo-chan> I have a large warehouse full of large weapons of mass destruction
<webrunner> Destroying mass is against the laws of thermodynamics!
<Leo-chan> screw the laws of thermodynamics!
* Leo-chan pulls out a perpetual motion machine
* webrunner stops the machine
* webrunner holds out a "Thermodynamics Police" badge
i got a bloody nose in my math class and i had on a white shirt to boot
so i went to the nurse for like 10 min. while i was sittin
in the nurses office, the period was over so my class left and another
class came in
but i still had my books there so i had to go back in
so i walk into the classroom with blood stains on my shirt and holding a blood spotted tissue up to my nose
so the teacher pointed at me and she goes "see what i do to kids who dont do their homework?"
i swear to you, this kid next to me had a MORTIFIED look on
his face as he started scribbling stuff down on some incomplete
worksheet =P
|
Lovely bash...
<Pedlya> So I got this really big usb drive, and me and my dad are trying to put *beep* on it.
*Simpe has entered #cancelled
<Pedlya> my dad said its too big, and I guess it was
<Pedlya> so my mom comes in and is trying to pu*beep* in...it still didnt go in
<Pedlya> my brother uses his and it fits fine, so we just use his
* Simpe has quit IRC (I dont want to know dude... )
|
Guy walks into his bedroom carrying a goat under his arm, his wife wakes up and notices him and the goat.
she screams at him, "what is that doing in here?"
the man then says "this here is the pig i have been making love to"
she says, "thats a goat you *beep*"
to which he replies, "i was talking to the goat"
|
What did the fresh egg say to the cook as he was about to hardboil it?
I'd like to get hard for you, but i was just laid.
|
that killed it drakos....
to reanimate:
A nuclear submarine submerges in the waters, a dirty looking man gets his crew, not any cleaner than he, and even with ragged clothes, asks: "Who threw the shoe at the button!??!". Silence answers... he repeats, louder "Who threw the *beep*ing at the button, you mother*beep*ers?!?!?!"
On another ship in the same area (they haven't noticed it was there..) there is a handsome man well dressed with a party tuxedo ,says "Whereas we in America--"
The russian capitan interrumps "What america? there's no more america. so WHO THREW THE SHOE AT THE BUTTON?!"
ah ah... you guys won't get it... too young kids..
|
|
The brother of the Master Of The Witty Retort decided one
day to go to the circus. The Master Of The Witty Retort was unable to go with him due
to having a prior engagement at the Witty Retorters Club.
At the circus the first to appear are the clowns. They do the
usual white-wash down the hoopy trousers, spinny flower cavorting nonsense
before approaching the crowd.
The lead clown (a disturbingly scary Ronald McDonald-esque
creature) points to the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort and asks:
“Are you the front end of a donkey”?
“No”, replies the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort.
“Are you the rear end of a mule” continues the clown.
“No” the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort answers
again.
The clown signs off with “Well sir, you are no end of an
a s s!!”
Humiliated, the brother of The Master Of The Witty Retort
stands and vows:
“Tomorrow I shall return with my brother. He is The Master
Of The Witty Retort and I shall have my revenge!”
The very next evening, The Master Of The Witty Retort
appears at the circus. He’s spotted immediately by the clown who asks:
“You, sir, the Master Of The Witty retort:
Are you the front end of a donkey”?
“No” says the Master Of The Witty Retort
“Are you the rear end of a mule” continues the clown again
“No” says the Master Of The Witty Retort
The clown signs off
yet again with “Well sir, you are no end of an a s s!!”
The Master Of The Witty Retort stands, the entire big top
hushes expectantly and the clowns ready themselves. The Master Of The Witty Retort takes a deep breath and
proclaims:
“Why don’t you f**k of, you red nosed c***!?”
|
Are Racist jokes allowed here?
|
|
nope... one that i have :)
|
And ive heard your joke before but it was funnier the way i heard it ;)
The one i heard..
A guys gos to a circus, gets ripped by the clown.. but he cant think of a decent comeback.. so he decides to do a degree on the english language.. gets his degree and feels confident and returns to the circus.... Once again the clown picks on him.. so he stands up full of confidence and replies... Fvck off red...."
|
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because none of them will ask for directions.
|
There are 2 goldfish sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says;
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
|
A guys gos to a circus, gets ripped by the clown.. but he cant think of
a decent comeback.. so he decides to do a degree on the english
language.. gets his degree and feels confident and returns to the
circus.... Once again the clown picks on him.. so he stands up full of
confidence and replies... Fvck off red...."
I DON'T GET IT.
|
alright here's one:
what you do is lean in and make it seem like a really dirty joke and then say in a hushed voice "What do you call a black pilot?" When they "I dunno what do you call a black pilot?" you say in a rather loud and indignant voice "YOU CALL HIM A PILOT YOU RACIST F**K!!!"
I dunno it seems funny to me at least
|
ahahahah.... no
what about:
A true radio interview:
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to each these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one... are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines.
|
And since I have no brains whatsoever...
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a
paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin,TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
25.60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
|
 cool
|
|
|
is clorox and clorine the same thing?
|
No. Big difference. And it's spelled Chlorine, with an H, if I remember correctly.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?? Well it depends on how hard you throw them.
3 men go hunting together, a white man, a black man, and an indian. While sitting at a hunting lodge, the black boasts "I am going to go catch me a dear!!". The other 2 await his return, and he does, with a good sized dear. They ask how and he says, "well I simply followed the tracks and then Boom!! shot me a dear." So the indian claims he can catch an even bigger dear, he goes out and, follow tracks follow tracks, BOOM!! brings back an even bigger dear!! Not to be outdone the white man says "I bet I can catch the biggest dear of all!!". So he goes out, follow tracks follow tracks BOOM!! Comes back all bandaged up on crutches. The other 2 ask what happened to him, and he replies.."well, I was following the tracks, and then BOOM! I got hit by a train..."
A white supremacist truck driver is making a long trip. While driving along the interstate he see's a black man walking along, swerves and runs the man over. Gets back in his lane and keeps driving, a little later sees another black man walking along and swerves and runs him over as well. A little ways down from this he sees a white priest walking along, the good man he is decides to pick up the priest. So he stops and lets the priest in and continues on his trip. A short time later, he sees a black man up in the distance walking along the interstate. He thinks to himself, I really want to run him over, but I've got this priest here..so he comes up with a scheme to pretend he's falling asleep and swerve and hit the black man. So as he gets closer he closes his eyes and pretends he's falling asleep, and jerks back onto the road and screams out "Oh my god! Did I hit him?" the priest replies, "No, but I got him with the door!!"
I have a few more I can recall off the top of my head but they are mostly really really really awful bad terrible jokes that if I told them people would think i was like a child molestor or something...which I'm not...in case you were wondering...
|
i dont feel like finding the joke again so it'll be off memory.
a homeless guy hasnt had sex in a really long time.so he goes to a horehouse and says"i need to have sex really bad but i only have 1$."
the guy at the desk says "well normally i wouldnt do this but put on a black condom and go into room 15 and keep the lights off."
so the bum does wut the guy says and 20 minutes later comes out.he walks up to the guy at the desk and says
"wow thanks that was the best sex ive ever had.but y did i need the black condom?"
the guy at the desk says"well you need to show respect for the dead."
|
wanna hear something funny?
women rights
--------
How do you know when michael jakson is having a sleep over?
when the drive way is full of trikes
|
A man walks to a bar.........ouch!
|
Putang, that is so old.
------------------------------
How do you make a dead baby float?
You take your foot off its head.
|
Good one. But this is better. A boy is asking it's mother:
- Mommy why am I walking in circles??
- Quiet so I can nail your other foot!
You don't have to write if you don't like it ;]]
|
Ooooh that is good one. I think yours is better.
|
What's the difference between a trumpet player and a government bond.
The bond will mature and earn money.
|
This might be pushing it but i will say it....
im black so....
how does every black joke start?
{{{ looking over my shoulder}} {{looking over the other one}}}
|
HaHaHaHaHa!!!.... at least I think I get it.
|
What do conductors and condoms have in common?
It's safer with one but funner without.
|
Not to crash the party, but I for one don't want my balls getting shocked...at any time or place....period...
Maybe that's just me though.
|
What are the two speeds in a French tank?
Reverse and reverse faster. (I hope nobody here is French :(
|
Hey did you here of Frances new flag it's a white cross on a white background.
WWII France 10 days before they surrender.
Warsaw Gehtto a month.
Poland a month.
France is pathetic in wars.
The French are about to attack. Their comander says charge. the soldiers say "We surrender" (Edited by Mr. Excelsior 10/29/2006 5:40:10 AM)
|
ah no more dirty sex jokes =( =P
|
there are two sausages in a pan one says "gee its hot in here!" and the other one says "GOODNES GRACIOUS ME ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE"
(=o____)
|
le trosieme petit cochon dance a la chante an il fantastic
|
why do women have arms?
think how long it would take to lick the bathroom clean
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand clost to the oven
|
just say this joke dont read it
knock* knock*
whos there?
I need ap
I need ap who?
=/
|
| [Top] Pages: (back) 1 2 3 4 (next) |
