Forums / The hangaround / Funniest Joke

Funniest Joke
19:49:06 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.


19:50:27 May 17th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight Mommy, Daddy, Grandpa, and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the Grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight Mommy, Daddy, and goodbye Grandpa" The next day the Grandpa dies.

The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight Mommy, and goodbye Daddy."

The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!


06:58:49 May 18th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

lol at the cab drivers 1 :)

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


07:04:38 May 18th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they're finally together.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."


07:07:45 May 18th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"



Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That�s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I'll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."


07:24:54 May 18th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:


A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."


08:00:23 May 18th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

hahahha i like that last one xD


06:04:52 May 30th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


06:05:49 May 30th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."


06:15:58 May 30th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"


07:25:52 May 30th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha nice man...i love that 'gator one!! hilarious!! xD


08:28:16 May 30th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those *beep* heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.


08:30:52 May 30th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?


08:35:22 May 30th 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says c0ck-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-c0ck-le-doo...

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.


09:02:11 May 30th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha nice one!! =)


09:25:47 May 30th 09 - Mr. Sazunas:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.


23:13:11 May 30th 09 - Lord Bishop:

When Chuck norris has sex with a guy, its not because he is *beep*. Its because je jas ran out of women

If you can see chuck norris this chuck norris can see you, if you cant see chuck norris you may only be seconds away from death


03:41:45 May 31st 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

Respected Lord Bishop,

Please do us a favour and don't post in this thread again. Mayb you misread the title of this thread. It's "Funniest Joke" not "Lamest Joke". Thanking you in appreciation.

Lord Stewie Griffin


07:20:39 May 31st 09 - Lord Bishop:

lol
*beep* Utt, i only posted here because i saw a chuck norris joke

Chuck norris rules :P


08:19:38 May 31st 09 - Demonslayer The Confused Demon Farmer:

I know Septim would want this picture here, but he has internet problems...

Sean Connery <--Clickie!


09:14:43 May 31st 09 - Lord Bishop:

:| Wtf was that :|


09:55:18 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

for me it was just a ton of symbols.


11:23:19 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's d1ck."


17:18:34 May 31st 09 - Lord Bishop:

haha :|

And yes many many many Symbols


18:22:15 May 31st 09 - Demonslayer The Confused Demon Farmer:

It was a pic of Sean Connery and it said
"Chuck Norris ain't sh!t" :p


19:05:57 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"


19:08:53 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."


19:09:44 May 31st 09 - Mr. Arthur Dent:

funnier with the symbols


19:11:10 May 31st 09 - Mr. Arthur Dent:

sorry about that last post, where do you get these opportunity?


19:13:12 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"


19:15:43 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d1ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."


19:18:58 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Earlier ones were from www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes.asp

but the later ones are from jack@ssjokes.com

replace the @ with an a though


19:29:54 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

There once were two priests, father D1ck and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father D1ck "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"


20:58:40 May 31st 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha Nice Opportunity! =P


22:40:35 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:


What did the signs on the door the door of the horehouse say?

"Beat it - We're closed"


22:44:27 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California.

Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate, and decides to try out an old mule.

He puts a stepladder behind the mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with the same outcome. This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms.

He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in. The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well.

After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says "Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!"

So he says to her: "Could you hold that mule for me?"


22:51:40 May 31st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

A man dies and unfortunately draws the short straw and is sent to hell. Fearing the worse he approaches the entry gate where he is met by a laughing, joking devil. The man asks why is he so happy to be in such a bad place.

"Oh we have fun down here, today is Monday and it's booze night. We get all the best drink sent in and we all get blind drunk."

The man is impressed and is starting to like what he sees.

"And Tuesday", says the devil, "is sex night. We bring in women and men and have a sex orgy all night"

"Wednesday is drugs night, you name it we have it, we get as high as a kite"

"By the way", says the devil, " are you *beep*?"

"No" says the man

"Then you are going to hate Thursdays"


23:06:22 May 31st 09 - Mr. Arthur Dent:

ha, nice one


06:21:23 Jun 1st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? 

You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.


06:24:18 Jun 1st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited herphysician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. 

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later, but when she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid! Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in hiscoffee, didn't I?
 

The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tattersand took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. "Do youmean
the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was great – terrificmarvelous!! 

Indeed,'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. 

But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"


06:38:21 Jun 1st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

Q- Why do men pass gas more than women?

A- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.


07:49:29 Jun 1st 09 - Mr. Peter Jackson:

lol not too bad


08:06:16 Jun 1st 09 - Mr. Opportunity:

My favorite one is still this one from page 1:

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'


21:20:15 Jun 7th 09 - Mr. Ajax:

come on Opportunity i want to laugh more :(


03:57:13 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Skinnyvinny:

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep *beep*."


04:16:49 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Ajax:

i like that one.


04:47:17 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"


05:00:28 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


05:04:11 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."


05:08:51 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Ajax:

that ones good


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