Forums / The hangaround / Funniest Joke

Funniest Joke
05:13:38 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:


A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


05:16:49 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."


05:19:53 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


05:25:02 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"


06:04:09 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Maximus II:

A kid was masterbaiting in his room and his mom caught him and told his dad the very next day the kids dad said "Son if you dont stop masterbaiting you are going to go blind" and the kid said "Dad I am over here!"


06:18:31 Jun 8th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

haha


08:15:43 Jun 8th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

hahhahhhahaha nice one Maximus!! xD


15:47:42 Jun 8th 09 - Ms. Athena:

i like the taxi one lol


03:54:20 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Skinnyvinny:

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY

: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.


04:07:58 Jun 9th 09 - Lord Stewie Griffin:

haha lol i like that second to last one: Yes. Absolutely.


04:27:58 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Skinnyvinny:

Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's says his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."


05:22:10 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Ha ha that's pretty good


06:09:17 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Ajax:

yeah lol


06:57:00 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Skinnyvinny:

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their *beep*tails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"


07:15:01 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Lol


07:16:22 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."


07:21:48 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."


07:28:26 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Ajax:

lmfao i love that one.


07:32:27 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"


07:43:26 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have". So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is *beep*, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.

I've heard it before but i like it :)


07:44:43 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"


07:45:26 Jun 9th 09 - Demonslayer The Confused Demon Farmer:

I heard a different version I think...don't remember there being a sister or brother...I think one was his wife and was pregant(not his) and to get a lawyer.


07:47:02 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his d*ck was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his d*ck. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of sh*t." So the man said, "Shut the f*ck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"


07:54:39 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."


08:37:35 Jun 9th 09 - Demonslayer The Confused Demon Farmer:

I heard a different version for the first one...he used a dildo...and when she turned on the lights he was like "I can explain the dildo, you explain the kids,"

Must be a lot of alternate endings :p


08:46:11 Jun 9th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Lol ya.


07:08:50 Jun 10th 09 - Mr. Skinnyvinny:

Penor, he doesn't fall on his elbow, he has tennis elbow.  just to set the records straight.


10:13:53 Jun 10th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Here's a good one:

2 cans of coke to keep me up till 4:30am to do essays- $1.50

An online AP course that doesn't give proper instructions- $500

Finding out that I have a Research Paper (that has to be peer-reviewed twice) and Powerpoint due in 6 hours, PRICELESS

Its gonna be a long day guys.


23:50:57 Jun 10th 09 - Mr. Arthur Dent:

lol, good luck with that


03:35:01 Jun 11th 09 - Sir Pesterd:

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458

Haha read that.. and tell me its not the funniest thing youve ever read


07:31:00 Jun 11th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

I finally went to sleep at 7 oclock... am


07:41:31 Jun 11th 09 - Mr. Penor The Large:

Please tell me this is satire, pesterd


09:37:01 Jun 11th 09 - Pirate Lewatha:

ahahahaha, that's awesome pesterd!

I wouldn't trust duct tape, most of it is made by commie china men. I know I've had accidents with it before.

Greatest answer ever!



13:14:55 Jun 11th 09 - Lady Sexier Than Quietone:

Anything can be fixed with duct tape.


18:27:51 Jun 11th 09 - Mr. Gawaine:

WTF?!?!?! Pesterd those people are such extremists!! ZOMG freaking wierd-O's!!!! Anyways, I used to have a shirt that looks like this:

      


03:11:04 Jun 12th 09 - Mr. Travis Leiondon:

I read the entire Landover Baptist Church forums, and LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!  Haha!


03:22:53 Jun 12th 09 - Lady Sexier Than Quietone:

You read all 85+ pages of that thread?

I got to like 7 and couldn't be bothered...funny or not!


18:45:27 Jun 12th 09 - Mr. Travis Leiondon:

I skimmed through it... only read that parts that made my eyes pop out or made me chuckle.


19:48:55 Jun 12th 09 - Mr. John Smith:

That last one cracked me up!!!


20:00:19 Jun 12th 09 - Mr. Seloc:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
Those are fighting words, you negative nellie. Anything can be fixed with duct tape.
Cool down Brother Nobar, remember your blood pressure.

This fellow is an Austrian. The duct tape they get is the inferior stuff made in the Orient. You and I have access to the good stuff, the original Duct Tape® made in America.

Another reason to thank God for not punishing us by being foreigners.
 
XD


20:16:10 Jun 12th 09 - Lady Sexier Than Quietone:

No, no, really Gentlemen...let ME handle this young lady's salvation! I am in California and I can drive to NV in a couple of hours. It would save Landover a lot of time and money if I did it. Of course, she won't be a True Christian™ in the Biblical sense after I'm done with her, but I will procure her a first-class ticket on board Spaceship Jesus.

I know a great hotel in Reno. It's rather private and discrete, so I can preach to her in total secrecy. I will penetrate her soul with truth, and fill her up with my wisdom. She will have streaming globs of tears running down her face after I'm done with her. I will then open up her most secret, private door of the mind and go where no man has gone before, and while the Truth does hurt at first, once you begin to relax, it is quite pleasurable to accept it.

So please, my brothers, I can handle this. It would be no problem!


21:01:57 Jun 12th 09 - Sir Santa:

So thats how they call it nowadays?


21:13:27 Jun 12th 09 - Mr. Gawaine:

OMG how much does everyone wanna bet these people are like 40 year old virgins who have nothing better to do with their time but pose off?


21:23:38 Jun 12th 09 - Sir Santa:

I bet against it! As you probably read, most of them have children so the virgin part would make you loose ;)

However, I do think they are wrong, to keep it clean, and should seriously reconsider their reasoning. I found a post that I found to be really good:

KajsaSweden KajsaSweden is offline vbmenu_register("postmenu_338825", true);
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 13
KajsaSweden is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.

Default Re: Are showers the women's ride to Satan's arms?

I would just like to let you people know that this thread has been posted and emailed around the world. I am from Sweden and got so horrified that I actually took the time to set up an account just so I couls speak my mind in here. I will also be one of the people that will send it on - so that more people will find out what is going on in the isolated redneck part of the states.

Cool enough you guys are christians. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with any religion for that matter.

What is truly scary is that you people live in a rich western country. You live in the country that has the most power in the world. A great big country. Yet this might also be your curse. Since you live there in your big country of freedom and whatnot, you are able to without problem make your own little societys with what I understand no real contact with the rest of the world. What other cultures do you know? What other languages do you speak? What other influences have you gotten than from your parents that was just like you, your neighbour that is just like you, and your pastor that is just like you?

What do you think is the difference between you and radical muslims? If you had the intelligence like them to also organize yourself and start your own bombing of the Middle east - you would have probably done that aswell. So you are no better than them. Any extremism in religion is bad for the world - let it be christian or muslim or hindu.

You people can't see beyond your own nose. You need to open your mind and be other to other people and culture. Believing in God takes many forms. What if the Bible and Christianity is not God's religion. Do you know how many passages of the Bible that was written by men? An any other religious texts for that matter. This does not mean that God doesn't exist - but if he does, how would he he look opon you on the day you die?

I believe that it makes sence if God has made man, that he would have given us something to be able to live by his will - that was not able to be contaminated by other humans. I believe this is our contiousness.

I believe that you, the person that started this thread- that is beating your pregnant wift, if there is a God and a heaven and hell , will be punished at your last day.

You will say - but why are you punishing me?!?! I followed all the things that the Pastor said, and intepreted all the things the Bible says, and tried to live by it?

God will say - but how did you feel when your wife was lying on the floor crying - was that not any problem for you?

You would say - yes, I felt a bit bad but I did it cause the Bible says.

The God would say - since I created you - why would I create you with that feeling in your stomach if I didn't think you shoudl use it for something? What makes more sence - since I am God - would I be able to talk to you in any way (what better way then from inside yourself) or would I have to try and plant stupid documents with wtupid people and hope for the fact that someone read it?

And also - God created your wife as he created any other human and animal - with a sexuality. All the people within christianity that says that "this is Go's way of testing us" - they are all sinners!! This is just their excuse! "The devil influenced me.... buuuuhuuuuu". Shut the F up. They are cowars not beeing able to stand for their own actions. Bad things don't come from God - they come from humans!

And the birth sin?! Give me break. How come virgin Mary was without birthsin? How come her parents didn't pass it on to her?

I really feel sorry for your wife. I hope she leaves you to go on an live a happy life in the way that the voice within tells her to. And by the way -pleasuring her selv in the shower comes from sexuality - which came from God. And the reason for it is probably that you can't get it up.

I am not quite sure what the final words here should be. I just hope that your wife is ok - and that you will get a good wake up call at some point in your life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So far, no "True Christian" has responded...


22:11:52 Jun 12th 09 - Lady Sexier Than Quietone:

They locked it though...


23:52:01 Jun 12th 09 - Mr. Seloc:

Lol, vu once again strikes a noble blow for human rights.


00:49:04 Jun 13th 09 - Mr. Travis Leiondon:

There are human rights? O_o


01:06:39 Jun 13th 09 - Mr. Gawaine:

HEY!! Santa, just because AMERICAN ancestors were smart enough to move here when the time came doesn't mean you trash us. XD

And I have never heard of such blasphemy!! Human rights? Psshhh. What is WRONG with the world nowadays? XD


01:35:51 Jun 13th 09 - Mr. Bezza:

Landover Baptist Church

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

The Landover Baptist Church is a fictional[1] Baptist church based in the fictional town of Freehold, Iowa. The Landover Baptist web site and its associated Landoverbaptist.net Forum are a parody of fundamentalist Christianity and the Religious Right in the United States.

yeah its all fake xD


01:37:50 Jun 13th 09 - Mr. Pure:

http://www.palibankids.com/virtualhell1.html

goto some of gods toys near the end of the page lol


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