Forums / The hangaround / Jokes V
| Jokes V | ||||||||
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| 14:39:09 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them. Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage. He says, "I'm still working on it." Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding. The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce. "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask. St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?" | ||||||||
| 14:39:44 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it! | ||||||||
| 14:41:33 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: Two sausages were frying in a frying pan. One says to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here" | ||||||||
| 14:42:19 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. | ||||||||
| 14:43:39 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one exclaims, "I am one bad-ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of the traps and move the bar up and down while I eat." The second one chimes in with, "Oh yeah. Well, I'm a bad-ass mouse too. In fact, I'm such a bad-ass mouse, that in my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed." The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell out, "Hey chicken, where do you think you're going?" The third one replies, "Going home to *beep* the cat." | ||||||||
| 14:45:45 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: How do you keep a blonde at home? Build a circular driveway. | ||||||||
| 14:46:19 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team? The New York Jets! | ||||||||
| 14:48:25 Feb 18th 07 - Mr. Lightning Bolt: A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate. Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg? Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. Interviewer: What about your eyepatch? Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook. | ||||||||
| 14:48:12 Mar 8th 07 - Mr. Hadriel: I want some jokes... So I'm posting so that people will post here A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia.. He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation. Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?" Singaporean : "Of course." Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia , we only eat what's inside.The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore." The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence. Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?" Singaporean : "Of course." Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to Singapore." This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?" Malaysian : "Why, of course we do." Singaporean : "Do you wear protection?" Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms." Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away." Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?" Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Neelam had enough. She took boy to the principal's office. While boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy.: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy.: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think boy can go to the third-grade." Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and boy, both agree. Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy... after a moment "Legs." Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy.: "Pockets." Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Boy.: Shake hands Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy.: Yep. Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow Ms Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Firetruck Ms Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: Surname Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love? Boy.: Heart The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher: "Send this boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" Guess that's enough for now... | ||||||||
| 13:47:50 Mar 15th 07 - Mr. Tsufar: LOL!!!!!!!Very funny................. More please!!!!!! | ||||||||
| 16:39:03 Mar 15th 07 - Ms. Pam Granddaughter of Mind: Humm, I thought he would have had to stay in first-grade for knowing all that... | ||||||||
| 13:10:04 Mar 16th 07 - Mr. Hadriel: Wow, finally some feedback. I'll post some more now then. A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy named Johnny was a bit slow. He enroled in the army and the guys there were afraid to give him a real gun. So they gave Johnny a toy gun and told him to aim it at someone and go "Pow! Pow!" A war came and Johnny was sent in the first front line. So as he was walking on the battle field, he saw an enemy tank coming. He aimed his toy gun at the tank and went "Pow! Pow!". But the tank wouldn't slow down. So he aimed again and shouted "Pow! Pow!". Nothing, the tank was still coming. He aimed again and shouted in despair: "POW!! POW!!" The tank wouldn't stop. So he sat down and waited for the tank to blow him to pieces. The tank stopped next to him and a guy came out of the tank and said: "Boom! Boom!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scenario: On the Top of the SHIP American (threw his iPOD in the SEA) : THERE'S A LOT MORE IN AMERICA!! Japanese (threw his Laptop) : PLENTY COMPUTAHS IN JAPAN!! Korea (threw his cellphone) : VERY MANY MORE IN SEOUL!! Pinoy (pushed the Korean) : IT'S OK... THEY'RE EVERYWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINES!! I'm trying to find jokes.... I'm bored so post some here if anyone has any... | ||||||||
| 02:34:11 Mar 17th 07 - Mr. Pussy: lol hadriel are you the same hadriel on phantom games? an rpg maker website anyway heres my joke one day there was 2 blonds Chris & Carl in the wild west who walked into a pub. As they were about to buy themselves a drink they overheard someone saying that an indian killed his wife and that he would pay anyone a $1000 if they brought the head of an indian to him. The 2 blonds set off to go find themselves an indian and claim their reward. They find 1 not long after they set off and Chris pegs a rock at the indians head and knocks him off his horse and then falls off a cliff with a river on the bottom. Chris & Carl both make their way down the cliff to go claim their reward and Chris starts cutting the indians head off with a small knife when Carl looks up at the top of the cliff with a pale face and says to Chris uhhhh i think you should take a look at this Chris says not now i'm busy, but you should really take a look at this says Carl, can't you see i got a $1000 in my hand? Says Chris, But you should really really take a look at this says Carl with an even bigger pale and scared looking face, Chris finaly turns around and says "what do you want me to take a look at!?" Carl then points at the top of the cliff and chris then looks up and sees 1000 indians in full battle gear with their bows and arrows pointed at them 2 blonds and Chris says OMG!!!! WHERE GOING TO BE MILLIONAIRS!!!!! | ||||||||
| 08:17:51 Mar 17th 07 - Mr. Hadriel: That's good, although you could try putting some comas there, I had to remake the joke for myself... Well, it's my turn now... A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many > condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents > house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table > where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, > with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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| 09:29:11 Mar 17th 07 - Mr. Pussy: lol ok next time i post a joke i'll post it in proper english | ||||||||
| 09:42:37 Mar 17th 07 - Mr. Pussy: This joke is more of an aussie joke and may offend some people, but i think its quite funny. One day there was an American, a Chinese man, an Irish man and an Aussie that were all arguing over who's country was the most famous. The Chinese man was saying we're famous for our great wall of china, the Irish man was saying no we're famous for our grass its the greenest grass in the world, and the American was saying no we're famous for our flag it's the most famous flag in the world and then the Aussie says no fck you we got the roo's it will jump over your wall, sht on your grass, and use your flag to wipe it's as)s with. (Edited by Mr. Pussy 3/17/2007 9:44:02 AM) | ||||||||
| 10:25:30 Mar 17th 07 - Mr. Tsufar: Good one :) | ||||||||
| 11:28:55 Mar 18th 07 - Mr. Izual: Yup, my turn now. Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!'' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofa*beep*!" The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?" The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofa*beep*!" "Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofa*beep*!" "Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofa*beep*!" "Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofa*beep* and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofa*beep* for our dinner tonight with the Pope?" "My lord, what language!" says the mother. "No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofa*beep*! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it" "Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofa*beep* tonight." While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it. "I caught the sonofa*beep*!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the sonofa*beep*!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the sonofa*beep*!" says Mother Superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ****ers are all right.". ------------------------------------------ A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!" The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?" The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!" I don't know why, but I feel like posting it red... | ||||||||
| 16:32:58 Mar 18th 07 - Mr. Pussy: lol there all pretty funny especially the first 2 | ||||||||
| 09:25:24 Mar 19th 07 - Mr. Klondyke: The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very pub where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to | ||||||||
| 10:32:43 Mar 19th 07 - Mr. Izual: I'll usually post three jokes a day, just to keep this alive. Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the *beep* is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely *beep* my pants." | ||||||||
| 06:59:10 Mar 20th 07 - Mr. Pussy: ahahahaha their pretty funny lol | ||||||||
| 07:39:44 Mar 20th 07 - Mr. Izual: More jokes... A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." (Ask me if you don't get it, trust me, you won't be pleased with my reply on this one... Think before you ask me on THIS 1 joke...) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs *beep*ing?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some *beep*ing ice cream." More next time anyone replies or when someone ask's me about that 1st joke... I like jokes.... | ||||||||
| 12:31:12 Mar 21st 07 - Mr. Auron: LOL the first joke made me piss myself laughing ahahahahaha | ||||||||
| 03:14:20 Mar 23rd 07 - Mr. Brashen: -------------------------------------- | ||||||||
| 04:50:30 Mar 23rd 07 - Mr. Pussy: lol some of that is pretty funny btw what game is that? | ||||||||
| 10:16:48 Mar 23rd 07 - Mr. Tsufar: OMG..............That was .,...........Awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!
But i thought Einstein was the one who told roselvelt to do the nuke...... (Edited by Mr. Tsufar 3/23/2007 10:17:42 AM) | ||||||||
| 20:27:44 Mar 23rd 07 - Mr. Kalais: Hey you should do bush and iraq...... | ||||||||
| 20:53:41 Mar 23rd 07 - Mr. Kalais: Jokes
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| 21:04:03 Mar 23rd 07 - Mr. Kalais: wait srry forgot this one 1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working. 2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia". 3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. 4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. 5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. 7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. 8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters. 9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”. 10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time. 11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. 12. Not allowed to join any militia. 13. Not allowed to form any militia. 14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. 15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!” 16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”. 17. God may not contradict any of my orders. 18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty. 19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. 20. Must not taunt the French any more. 21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. 22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. 24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true. 25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. 26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!” 27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne). 28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). 29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”. 30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. 31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. 32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. 35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”) 36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). 37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”. 38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”. 39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 40. I do not have super-powers. 41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message. 42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. 44. I am not the atheist chaplain. 45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”. 46. I am not authorized to fire officers. 47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. 48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. 49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”. 50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. 51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations. 52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range. 53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range. 54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase. 55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit. 56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape. 57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?” 58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, *beep* puppy, or any references to squid. 59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command. 61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”. 62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. 63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. 64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. 65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. 66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia. 67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”. 69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty. 70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. 71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. 72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. 73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”. 74. Woad is not camouflage makeup. 75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. 76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence. 77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." 78. I may not call block my chain of command. 79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. 80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. 81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. 82. May not form any press gangs. 83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." 84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things. 85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. 86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”. 87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. 88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”. 89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”. 90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. 91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. 92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate. 93. Nerve gas is not funny. 94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. 95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body. 96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid. 97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. 98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.” 99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. 100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. 101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. 102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". 103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. 104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination. 105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. 106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s. 107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press. 108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. 109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe. 110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything. 111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles. 112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir". 113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". 114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians. 115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me. 116. Crucifying mice - bad idea. 117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. 118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. 119. I cannot arrest children for being rude. 120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke. 121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines. 122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. 123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. 124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last. 125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks. 126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. 127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable. 128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word. 129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders. 130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. 131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113. 132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas. 133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio. 134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie. 135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot. 136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole *beep*ing village!” while out on a mission is bad. 137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. 138. Even if my commander did it. 139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs. 140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights. 141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”. 142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT. 143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window. 144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform. 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. 147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®. 148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny. 149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out. 150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. 151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!” 152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries. 153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”. 154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot. 155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice. 156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform. 157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. 158. The revolution is not now. 159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search. 160. No part of the military uniform is edible. 161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea. 162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command. 163. Take that hat off. 164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin. 165. I do not get “that time of month”. 166. No, the pants are not optional. 167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. 168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio. 169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films” 170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions. 171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter. 172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide. 173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance. 174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy). 175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”. 176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. 177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”. 178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”. 179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”. 180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”. 181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS. 182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”. 183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ® 184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”. 185. My name is not a killing word. 186. I am not the Emperor of anything. 187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. 188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”. 189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. 190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty. 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. 192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”. 193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command. 194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command. 195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. 196. I am not allowed to give tattoos. 197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again. 198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions. 199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born. 200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. 201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad. 202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined. 203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO. 204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." 205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged") 206. Not allowed to get shot. 207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.) 208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain. 209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.) 210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country. 211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down. 212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them. 213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites. | ||||||||
| 11:59:46 Mar 24th 07 - Mr. Troll King: Ok here is one someone had to hear of before. However, for those who have not: What is the best way to baby-sit black babies? Wet there lips and stick them to a wall. What is the best way to get them off the wall? Carefully slide them to a corner.
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| 12:05:21 Mar 24th 07 - Mr. Troll King: Oh, forgot to add this one: Why do blacks only eat white chocolate? So they do not bite there fingers.
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| 12:22:35 Mar 24th 07 - Mr. Troll King: Ok heres a nasty: Little Johnny is 10 years old and comes home from school one day. His mother asks Johnny; how was your day at school Johnny? Johnny replies with: I had sex with my teacher today! His mother goes OMG! You get to your room right now! You just wait until your father gets home young man! *Time Goes By*, Dad comes home and notices “Mom” is quite upset, and all she says is go talk to your son! Dad walks in the boys bedroom, asks “Johnny” You know your mother is very upset with you about something that happened at school and I want you to tell me what happened. Johnny tells Dad; I had sex with my teacher. Dad goes. YAY! That my boy! I am so proud of you! Let’s go celebrate! Therefore, Dad takes Johnny to the store and tells his son he can have a brand new bike to celebrate this wonderful day in his sons’ life! They get out to the car and dad asks Johnny if he would like to put his brand new bike in the trunk or if he would prefer to ride his new bike home instead? To this Johnny replies, well Dad, honestly I would prefer to put it in the trunk, my butt is still a bit sore from having sex with my teacher.
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| 13:01:36 Mar 24th 07 - Mr. Pussy: oooooooooooooooooh fck that sht!! that's just sick but a little funny too lol | ||||||||
| 13:19:00 Mar 24th 07 - Mr. Andrei The Impaler: Lots of fun :) | ||||||||
| 07:59:31 Jun 20th 07 - Mr. Dwolf: "B"umping all "I"nactive old "T"oo | ||||||||
| 19:03:46 Jun 20th 07 - Mr. Sorank Seloc: argh thats just sick....troll king you got nothing better to do? | ||||||||
| 21:37:00 Jun 21st 07 - Mr. Dwolf: remember, this is the B1TCH. project, those are old posts, and the people probably wont reply =) | ||||||||
| 22:26:34 Jun 21st 07 - Mr. Sorank Seloc: lol point........... still that nasty | ||||||||
00:16:30 Feb 25th 09 - Mr. Koss:
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| 00:41:53 Feb 25th 09 - Mr. Hanky Panky: Three hungry bats are hanging in a cave. Finally, one of them decides he's gotta eat something. He flies out, and returns fifteen minuets later, with blood all over his face. The other two ask, "where did you go?" "you know that herd of deer, about 10 kilometers north of here? Nothing left." A little time passed, and the second bat decided that he was goning to outeat the first, so he flew out, and returned half an hour later with blood on his face. "Where did you go?" "You know that cattle farm, 20 kilometers north of here? Nothing left" The third bat decides he's had it, and flie4s out of the cave. He retuns five minuets later with more blood on him than hte other two. "Where'd you go?!?" You know that tree right outside the cave, you see it every night? Didn't see it." omg im reading through and i just cant stop laughing at this one :P | ||||||||
| 00:49:02 Feb 25th 09 - Mr. Hanky Panky: i hate this thread it makes my gaw ache | ||||||||
| 00:49:37 Feb 25th 09 - Mr. Hanky Panky: and eyes water :'( | ||||||||
| 20:30:09 Feb 25th 09 - Mr. Coops I: A Blonde goes into an electrical strore, points behind the counter and asks if she can buy the TV. The man behind the counter ses " sorry we dont serve blondes" She goes away dyes her hair comes back and asks again, but once again the answer is that they dont serve blondes. She asks how the man knew she was blonde. "because" the man replied " you keep asking to buy that TV... its a microwave" | ||||||||
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