Forums / The hangaround / Jokes V

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Polos.He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My
God!!!! They're *beep*-holes!!"

Sorry, maybe not an international joke, a polo is a mint with a hole, can come in fruit flavours.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,

 so the barman gave her one!

This is a heavenly humour joke

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome plaing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly to the same water hazard. It landed in the center of the pond and hovered in it. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball.It headed out over the fence and onto oncoming trafic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the pond. On the way it hit a stone and bounced out over the water lily pad, where it rested quietely. Suddenly, a bull frog jumped on the lily pad and snathed the ball into its mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the the green, the frog squeeled with frightand drooped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said:" I hate playing with your Dad"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every *beep*pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Question: What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?

Answer: He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Three hungry bats are hanging in a cave.  Finally, one of them decides he's gotta eat something.  He flies out, and returns fifteen minuets later, with blood all over his face.  The other two ask, "where did you go?" "you know that herd of deer, about 10 kilometers north of here?  Nothing left."

A little time passed, and the second bat decided that he was goning to outeat the first, so he flew out, and returned half an hour later with blood on his face.  "Where did you go?" "You know that cattle farm, 20 kilometers north of here?  Nothing left"

The third bat decides he's had it, and flie4s out of the cave.  He retuns five minuets later with more blood on him than hte other two.  "Where'd you go?!?"  You know that tree right outside the cave, you see it every night?  Didn't see it."

A chicken and en egg lie in bed, the egg has a content look on its face and is smoking a cigarette. The chicken's arms are crossed and it has a frown on, it says "Well I guess that answers that question."

Hehehe, tell me if you get it :P Don't spoil the answer though

I'd really love to spoil your joke Arzun :P

I feel so smart that I understood it:))

what question?

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

aha, that's an awsome one Klondyke :D

I meant she's playing against MY scrap. You'll have to trust me on that too.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you *beep*! This is her husband!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Eye Deer

What do you call a deer with no sex organs or eyes?

No *beep*in' Eye Deer

What do you call a deer with no leggs, sex organs, or eyes?

Still No *beep*in' Eye Deer

what do you get when u cross an onion with a donkey

a peice of a$$ that'ell bring a tear to ur eye

Ummm....no....just...no...

This will only be funny for those of you in Britain:

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in Basildon . Vic tims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
 
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
 
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Vic toria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
 
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
 
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
 
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
 
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

What do guns and woman have incommon?

Once they have been in your house for a while it gets harder and harder to control the urge to shoot.

by the way mr. klondyke england can never have a earthquake as the plates on the earth colide and cause earthquakes and the u.k is on its own plate and no overlaps so we can never have an earthquake unless the plate splits and will be the end of the WORLD (armaggedon)

Actually Wanni, the Birmingham area gats an earthquake every other year, only small, around 3 or 4 on the richter scale. Check out http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2275158.stm

ROFLMAO, good job man :)

only an old 1 but still funny

what does micheal jackson and a playstation have in common?

they are both made of plastic and get turned on by children

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them, too.