Forums / The hangaround / Military Humor

AHHHH LOTS OF BOXES WITH RED X'S!!!! GAHHHHHHH SCARY!!!

But seriously...I wish I could see them :(

pointless

Hoping this works :)

Military humor! I get it its an oxymoron! Kinda like military intelligence...and French Resistance :)

I like the unwashed one tho :P

Oh sh*t XD

Delta Force Test

Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.

For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"

The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."

The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."

Charley thats why they call it a joke and yes they say when you join the marines you lose ur brains and when you leave you gain them back. and duh. MARINES KICK ASS!!!!

Yes i have a brain and plenty of intelligence but i dont like to use them when im outside of school. Really no point to unless im haing with my gf or friends =)

Charley school friends not computer friends. My school friends are *beep*s cuz most do drugs. We even nicknamed one Retard =P

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "mohac you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"

Khalifa that joke is switched. Its the marine that doesnt wash his hands. I know that joke all to well. NAVY SUCKS!!!!! =P

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs alway*beep* the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe *beep*)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

Haha we call the Navy and Air Force DESK WUSSIES because they dont have the balls to pick up a gun and start shooting someone. The only thing they are good for is sending planes to Bomb certain targets. Other then that they are useless. Marines and Army are the ones with balls enough to pick up a gun and shoot at someone. Enough balls to kill for their country not let others do it.

Thats an understatement ghost :P if your debating on having the mind to kill someone, then the navy and airforce are on the same level as you :P .... what? do you think that those bombs or apaches or cruise missiles or whatever, don't get a single kill when used? :P air force and navy know what will happen when they send these things :P and its the same as what yall do :P the only difference is that they have a less likely of chance of being killed themselves, that is unless they get targeted specifically :P but thats only in real open warfare :P where all military sections of the US military become equal :P (like in WWII :P)

just my two cents :P

Duke Salamon Report 9/14/2008 7:14:16 PM

Thats an understatement ghost :P if your debating on having the mind to kill someone, then the navy and airforce are on the same level as you :P .... what? do you think that those bombs or apaches or cruise missiles or whatever, don't get a single kill when used? :P air force and navy know what will happen when they send these things :P and its the same as what yall do :P the only difference is that they have a less likely of chance of being killed themselves, that is unless they get targeted specifically :P but thats only in real open warfare :P where all military sections of the US military become equal :P (like in WWII :P) just my two cents :P

Im saying the Navy and Air Force dont have the balls to kill someone face to face like the army an marines do. They go back to their bunks sleeping like a baby and the infantry are having nightmares of battles that took place that day or in previous days. Infantry units lose their sanity because of the sh*t they do or see. Air Force or Navy dont know what that is like unless they are in an Air-to-Air battle with 20 enemy planes to 1 but that rarley happens and when it does there isnt just 1 of our planes.

Praetorian Wyzer Report 9/14/2008 6:47:45 PM

LOL Spud, everyone knows the USMC is a department of the Navy.... THE MENS DEPARTMENT!

Ya the generals realized they needed an elite branch of the military so they made the Marines =)

Seals are the only ones that actually do any face to face killing in the navy branch.The rest sit on their asses waiting to send another plane off to bomb a tank or 2. Force Recon are teh major infantry of Mairnes and Army Airborne well they ALMOST do what Recon does except recon pushes and Aireborne folos. Delta Force well you have to have pretty much no sanity watsoever to do what they do.

Valentines Day

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that &*%$#@!"

nah i learned that in like the 3rd grade

I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.

For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

BABY BRIGADE

One day I came out my momma's womb
I found myself in a delivery room.
All bloody and wet I rappeled to the floor
I cut the cord and shout, "MARINE CORPS".

I knew right then I was a baby Marine
The meanest little cuss you ever had seen.
Two saftey pins on my shoulders for rank
A Humvee stroller and a tricycle tank.

I had camoflage diapers and flak baby shoes
A butternut sword and baby Dress Blues.
So, I donned my Blues and I cruised through the ward
Saluting all the nurses with my butternut sword.

Then I heard all these babies crying like heck
I kicked in the hatch and yelled, "ATTENTION ON DECK"
I said, "Listen up babies, I'm in command
Crying and wimpering I will not stand"

They said, "Aye Aye, Sir" and I knew I had it made
As Commander-in-Chief of the Baby Brigade.

BIRDY BIRDY

BIRDY BIRDY IN THE SKY
DROPPED A LITTLE WHITE WASH IN MY EYE

I AINT NO SISSY, I WON'T CRY
I'M JUST GLAD THAT COWS DON'T FLY